Im calling you out, America. You have no taste. You wouldn't know taste if you munched down on a sour ball that I set on fire! Case in point: Americas Got Talent. Yes, I know, I shouldnt be wasting my evenings watching what is now the #1 show in America, but since I work in the field I must see what all the fuss is about. Ha ha, fuck that I just watch it for the magicians girls.
For those who dont know, a primer: Its a show about finding talented people. They can do anything they want - juggle, sing, magic, rapping granny (seriously shes in the running to win). And theres three judges like every single other fucking talent show out there. David hasselhoff (wheres KITT?), Brandy (the washed up singer) and this British guy named Piers Morgan. (more on him in a moment).
So Im watching this show and have officially come to the conclusion that Americans are EASILY impressed. A guy juggled, and the crowd started fucking salivating and cheering everywhere. Either this entire audience is hitting the heavy narcotics or the footage of the audience cheering is from some other performance from a different show entirely. And leading the charge are the most fucking groveling judges Brandy and Hasselhoff. Its like theyve never seen anybody perform anything in their lives ever before, as they cheer everybody that goes up on stage! Its all the boot licking that really grates my canary. As for the third judge, it seems like a prerequisite for any talent competition is to have a British judge that can be critical and honest but still be portrayed as the bad guy and be constantly booed by the audience of slack jawed yokels. He must be getting paid a hefty sum to have to put up with that crap. Its not like hes being rude, but everyone gets offended when he tells a 12 year old girl that she needs to work on her singing. Shes fucking 12! She handled the criticism well, but everyone in the audience goes right up his ass, telling him to go back to England!
Hey! Look at me, America! I can sever my thumb! Give me the million dollars, jerks!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 147th Edition
5. MySpace - What am I paying for? For you to have a power outage? Fuck that, heres a tip, how about you have separate back-up sites like any other large company in the world!
4. Movie Theatres - Walking into a movie theatre, you gotta love putting down 12 bucks when the rank, foul, and acrid smell of 250 sweaty idiots that has permanently embedded itself into the seating enters your nostrils. Love it!
3. Lance Bass - You didnt reveal your homosexuality because you didnt want to ruin the image of NSync? Yeah, I didnt have a clue, that music sounded so straight.
2. Justin Timberlake - Yeah, now that you work at fucking Dennys and youre a nobody you better come out with a good new story about yourself to get everyones attention. Oh wait, you did drugs? What the fuck kind of story is that? A celebrity doing drugs? Thats such an oxymoron. Now replace "oxy" with "you" and "moron" with "fuckbag"
1. Weird Al Yankovic - Youre a fucking idiot for buckling under the pressure of james blunt when he ordered you not to release your parody of his song, titled youre pitiful. You've parodied like 1000 songs, and nobody ever complained about it in the past, let alone forced you to not release it. Fuck james blunt, who the shit does he think he is? Words cannot express how angry he makes me.
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