Im calling you out, America. You have no taste. You wouldn't know taste if you munched down on a sour ball that I set on fire! Case in point: Americas Got Talent. Yes, I know, I shouldnt be wasting my evenings watching what is now the #1 show in America, but since I work in the field I must see what all the fuss is about. Ha ha, fuck that I just watch it for the magicians girls.
For those who dont know, a primer: Its a show about finding talented people. They can do anything they want - juggle, sing, magic, rapping granny (seriously shes in the running to win). And theres three judges like every single other fucking talent show out there. David hasselhoff (wheres KITT?), Brandy (the washed up singer) and this British guy named Piers Morgan. (more on him in a moment).
So Im watching this show and have officially come to the conclusion that Americans are EASILY impressed. A guy juggled, and the crowd started fucking salivating and cheering everywhere. Either this entire audience is hitting the heavy narcotics or the footage of the audience cheering is from some other performance from a different show entirely. And leading the charge are the most fucking groveling judges Brandy and Hasselhoff. Its like theyve never seen anybody perform anything in their lives ever before, as they cheer everybody that goes up on stage! Its all the boot licking that really grates my canary. As for the third judge, it seems like a prerequisite for any talent competition is to have a British judge that can be critical and honest but still be portrayed as the bad guy and be constantly booed by the audience of slack jawed yokels. He must be getting paid a hefty sum to have to put up with that crap. Its not like hes being rude, but everyone gets offended when he tells a 12 year old girl that she needs to work on her singing. Shes fucking 12! She handled the criticism well, but everyone in the audience goes right up his ass, telling him to go back to England!
Hey! Look at me, America! I can sever my thumb! Give me the million dollars, jerks!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 147th Edition
5. MySpace - What am I paying for? For you to have a power outage? Fuck that, heres a tip, how about you have separate back-up sites like any other large company in the world!
4. Movie Theatres - Walking into a movie theatre, you gotta love putting down 12 bucks when the rank, foul, and acrid smell of 250 sweaty idiots that has permanently embedded itself into the seating enters your nostrils. Love it!
3. Lance Bass - You didnt reveal your homosexuality because you didnt want to ruin the image of NSync? Yeah, I didnt have a clue, that music sounded so straight.
2. Justin Timberlake - Yeah, now that you work at fucking Dennys and youre a nobody you better come out with a good new story about yourself to get everyones attention. Oh wait, you did drugs? What the fuck kind of story is that? A celebrity doing drugs? Thats such an oxymoron. Now replace "oxy" with "you" and "moron" with "fuckbag"
1. Weird Al Yankovic - Youre a fucking idiot for buckling under the pressure of james blunt when he ordered you not to release your parody of his song, titled youre pitiful. You've parodied like 1000 songs, and nobody ever complained about it in the past, let alone forced you to not release it. Fuck james blunt, who the shit does he think he is? Words cannot express how angry he makes me.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Where did your shirt go?
So it's been fairly hot as of late here in Canadas largest and therefore most important city. Today it's supposed to go up to 35 degrees without the humidex. Meaning that with the humidex it will probably go up to 57. And with the heat brings the hate and I have a complaint about one thing in particular. DUDES WITHOUT SHIRTS. Seriously man, put a fucking shirt on. I don't care if its so hot you can fry some grits on the sidewalk, just put a damn shirt on! I don't want to be first hand witness to your jungly fuckin back hair, OR your rotund man-boobs, or even your big fucking beer belly bouncing around and hitting me in the face even though I'm across the road from you.
Go to Wal-mart, spend 3 dollars and get a 100% cotton shirt, and wear the fucking thing. I really don't care how hot it is; just put a damn shirt on! Yesterday I saw the fattest man on earth driving around without a shirt. He had his hands behind his head relaxing because he was steering the car with his fucking belly! What's up with that shit?
If you are going to pass out from the heat if you don't take your shirt off, here's a tip - move somewhere cold. Or drink some damn water. Do anything but subject me to the eye-blinding sight of your nasty-ass torso waddling down the road towards me. I don't need that, shit! It's too hot for that shit! I have no A/C in my car, and I'm sweating like a fat party animal too! But I will never take my shirt off, except at acceptable places, like the beach or the pool. That's it!
PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIRTS ON!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 59th Edition
5. Owen Wilson. (I supposed I should be impressed that someone whos been hit in the nose with a truck can have a successful career on camera, but I'm not.)
4. The Wayans Brothers. (Way to fucking discover the special effect of masking like 15 years after it was invented. Whats next? A fucking movie about a guy that can fly around like superman? Fuck you both.)
3. Mr. T. (You shed your gold chains after witnessing the destruction of Katrina. Yeah, maybe if you pass enough of those around, youll help the people that lost their fucking houses by letting them wear your chains.)
2. Harry Potter. (Daniel Radcliffe, youre like 37 now, so I find it hard to believe youre still in some damn school for warlocks and shit. Luke Perry from 90210 couldnt get away with it, and neither can you.)
1. Spanish Mountains. (James "undeserved" Blunt has just bought a mountain in Spain so he can live there to get away from all the hassles of fame. Fucking good, except you shouldve done that years ago, so the earth wouldn't have been infected with your hollow, meaningless dribble that you spew like a baby without his baby bib. Bye bye, fuckbag, and never come back.)
Go to Wal-mart, spend 3 dollars and get a 100% cotton shirt, and wear the fucking thing. I really don't care how hot it is; just put a damn shirt on! Yesterday I saw the fattest man on earth driving around without a shirt. He had his hands behind his head relaxing because he was steering the car with his fucking belly! What's up with that shit?
If you are going to pass out from the heat if you don't take your shirt off, here's a tip - move somewhere cold. Or drink some damn water. Do anything but subject me to the eye-blinding sight of your nasty-ass torso waddling down the road towards me. I don't need that, shit! It's too hot for that shit! I have no A/C in my car, and I'm sweating like a fat party animal too! But I will never take my shirt off, except at acceptable places, like the beach or the pool. That's it!
PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIRTS ON!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 59th Edition
5. Owen Wilson. (I supposed I should be impressed that someone whos been hit in the nose with a truck can have a successful career on camera, but I'm not.)
4. The Wayans Brothers. (Way to fucking discover the special effect of masking like 15 years after it was invented. Whats next? A fucking movie about a guy that can fly around like superman? Fuck you both.)
3. Mr. T. (You shed your gold chains after witnessing the destruction of Katrina. Yeah, maybe if you pass enough of those around, youll help the people that lost their fucking houses by letting them wear your chains.)
2. Harry Potter. (Daniel Radcliffe, youre like 37 now, so I find it hard to believe youre still in some damn school for warlocks and shit. Luke Perry from 90210 couldnt get away with it, and neither can you.)
1. Spanish Mountains. (James "undeserved" Blunt has just bought a mountain in Spain so he can live there to get away from all the hassles of fame. Fucking good, except you shouldve done that years ago, so the earth wouldn't have been infected with your hollow, meaningless dribble that you spew like a baby without his baby bib. Bye bye, fuckbag, and never come back.)
Saturday, July 8, 2006
Mean-Ass Streets
There are three types of people on the mean, cold streets of Toronto.
1. Drivers.
2. Cyclists.
3. Pedestrians.
I have been all three at some point, and I have an individual rant for each, so listen up ball-wads, Im talking to you!
Drivers. I hate drivers. I think that the worse drivers on the road are the ones that have been on for 30 or so years, and have developed horrific habits. These are the people that brake suddenly for no reason and dont signal. Or dont have a fucking concept of distance and then pull out in front of you from a side road as Im driving merrily along, trying not to get angry. They are the ones that turn after the green arrow has long disappeared. I saw someone do this and just get t-boned by an oncoming car that wouldnt for a moment think that someone would be CROSSING THEIR FUCKING PATH WITHOUT LOOKING. I wish I had a paintball gun mounted to my car, under the bottom out of sight, I could blast away all day at drivers that irritated me. Take that!
Cyclists. I hate city cyclists. They drive everywhere, on the road, on the sidewalk, on walkways, up stairs, even inside elevators! Generally speaking, they dont really follow the rules of the road, and I dont mean to sound like some fucking square saying that, but seriously, if youre going to drive on the road, shouldnt you have to stop at red lights? Not go the wrong way down a one way street? Do you think youre exempt from these laws? Fuck, it just burns my canolli to see cyclists weaving in and out of traffic, then crying foul when they get cut off by an unsuspecting motorist. Makes me want to shove a stick in their tires!
Pedestrians. I hate pedestrians. Quit walking on the damn street! I dont drive on the sidewalk! Would you like me to drive on the sidewalk with my eyes closed? Then why must you walk on the road not paying attention to cars around you. I am not going to hit you if I see you, obviously, but if I slow down and then someone behind me pulls out to pass me they will fucking hit your ass quicker than a pimp on a non-profitable Sunday! Good lord! And please for the love of everything, if you dont have the signal to cross the street, dont fucking cross the street! You cant all be doctors rushing to save the life of a dying patient, an extra 30 seconds on your journey isnt going to kill you.
So to sum it up, I hate everybody on the streets. Get me my damn helicopter.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 37th Edition
5. Will from Big Brother: (Hey moron, use some of those plastic surgery skills on yourself. Also, eat a cheeseburger.)
4. Michael Jackson. (You will never be safe from lawsuits no matter where you run off and hide to. And you want to open another Neverland? Come on dude, get a haircut.)
3. Ann Coulter. (You are the 2nd most evil creature in the universe. When you have left this earth we will be one big step closer to not being in the stone-age.)
2. Tori Spelling. (Youre in a show playing yourself? Yeah, maybe people will be interested in your again. Also, maybe Swing music will become popular again)
1. Petra Nemcova. (How do you make a good looking woman look hideous? Put her next to her new boyfriend Mr. James no-dick Blunt. Dont worry, shes ok with just cuddling you fucking twat.)
1. Drivers.
2. Cyclists.
3. Pedestrians.
I have been all three at some point, and I have an individual rant for each, so listen up ball-wads, Im talking to you!
Drivers. I hate drivers. I think that the worse drivers on the road are the ones that have been on for 30 or so years, and have developed horrific habits. These are the people that brake suddenly for no reason and dont signal. Or dont have a fucking concept of distance and then pull out in front of you from a side road as Im driving merrily along, trying not to get angry. They are the ones that turn after the green arrow has long disappeared. I saw someone do this and just get t-boned by an oncoming car that wouldnt for a moment think that someone would be CROSSING THEIR FUCKING PATH WITHOUT LOOKING. I wish I had a paintball gun mounted to my car, under the bottom out of sight, I could blast away all day at drivers that irritated me. Take that!
Cyclists. I hate city cyclists. They drive everywhere, on the road, on the sidewalk, on walkways, up stairs, even inside elevators! Generally speaking, they dont really follow the rules of the road, and I dont mean to sound like some fucking square saying that, but seriously, if youre going to drive on the road, shouldnt you have to stop at red lights? Not go the wrong way down a one way street? Do you think youre exempt from these laws? Fuck, it just burns my canolli to see cyclists weaving in and out of traffic, then crying foul when they get cut off by an unsuspecting motorist. Makes me want to shove a stick in their tires!
Pedestrians. I hate pedestrians. Quit walking on the damn street! I dont drive on the sidewalk! Would you like me to drive on the sidewalk with my eyes closed? Then why must you walk on the road not paying attention to cars around you. I am not going to hit you if I see you, obviously, but if I slow down and then someone behind me pulls out to pass me they will fucking hit your ass quicker than a pimp on a non-profitable Sunday! Good lord! And please for the love of everything, if you dont have the signal to cross the street, dont fucking cross the street! You cant all be doctors rushing to save the life of a dying patient, an extra 30 seconds on your journey isnt going to kill you.
So to sum it up, I hate everybody on the streets. Get me my damn helicopter.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 37th Edition
5. Will from Big Brother: (Hey moron, use some of those plastic surgery skills on yourself. Also, eat a cheeseburger.)
4. Michael Jackson. (You will never be safe from lawsuits no matter where you run off and hide to. And you want to open another Neverland? Come on dude, get a haircut.)
3. Ann Coulter. (You are the 2nd most evil creature in the universe. When you have left this earth we will be one big step closer to not being in the stone-age.)
2. Tori Spelling. (Youre in a show playing yourself? Yeah, maybe people will be interested in your again. Also, maybe Swing music will become popular again)
1. Petra Nemcova. (How do you make a good looking woman look hideous? Put her next to her new boyfriend Mr. James no-dick Blunt. Dont worry, shes ok with just cuddling you fucking twat.)
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