I'm not going to sit here and type out a diatribe against how the fashion industry is the main perpetrator of eating disorders, poor body image and low self esteem.
Even though it is.
Im not going to sit here and tell you that I find most models and supermodels to be the ugliest creatures on the planet, both internally and externally.
Even though I do.
I wont even mention the fact that only 1% of the female population could ever be a fashion model, or have the body type suitable for said profession.
But they do.
This blog is about beauty. Sure, everybody says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, I am the beholder at this moment. Let me tell you who is beautiful. Anybody without unnecessary plastic surgery. Anybody thats smart enough not to buy in what the fashion industry shoves down our throats. Anybody that looks at a mannequin and wonders aloud do I know anybody that has a body shape like that?
I was watching Canadas Next Top Model, and there is this girl whos worried about being too fat and she was a size 2 instead of a size 0. I didnt even know there was a size 0, and I didnt even know there was a size 00. Whats that? Youre so thin you dont exist? Heres a tip, real men like women that exist. If you aspire to look like that, youre really only appealing to men that are closet homosexuals. They love girls that look like guys, because it would be too difficult to admit to themselves that they are in fact gay. Theres nothing wrong with liking guys, but I like women! Fucking look like a woman, already! Im a raging, flaming heterosexual, and the fashion industry is just not doing it for me. Wake up and smell the cheeseburgers, fuckwads! If you are super thin and look like an alien, youre idolized. We dont idolize any other 1% portion of the population! I want to make it my mission to destroy the fashion industry. Im going to start my own fashion industry, with actual women.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Fashion Edition
5. Angelina Jolie: (You were voted best looking woman in the world, but it looks like you were punched repeatedly in the lips and then had your head stretched out my two camels.)
4. Sharon Stone: (I wish there was a computer program that could generate what your face would look like without the years of face surgery. You look fucking younger in Basic Instinct 2 than you did in the first one!)
3. Janice Dickenson (You epitomize what is disgusting about the fashion industry. You look like someone slapped some clay on your face, then asked a five year old to mold that face into something that resembles a human being.)
2. Jennifer Lopez: (Its amazing how somebody with absolutely no talent whatsoever can be so wealthy. Only in America. Do people even know what your largest source of income is? Your movies? No. Your music? No. Its your fucking clothing line with its 300% markup.)
1. James Blunt (Of course, you dont really relate to the fashion industry. But that doesnt mean youre not number one on every single one of my hate lists. Please die.)
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Celebrities Eat Babies!
"Forgive me Tom for I have blogged and it has been 18 days since my last blog-fession"
I havent written a blog in a while, and what better way to jump right back into the ranting than discussing everybody's favorite pastime - celebrity hunting. No, I'm not talking about finding out where Bennifer II are eating their lunch, or even where Brangelina are getting their toenails golden-ized. I'm talking about the 21st century sport of champions - getting a paintball gun and hunting these celebrities down!! Like in The Running Man, or Hard Target. Sick of seeing celebrities get away with murder? Sick of seeing these undeserving wealthy flaunt their status with platinum toilet paper and designer cutlery? I am! So the name of the game is "Paint Hunt", until I or someone else thinks of a catchier name.
The other day, I had the "honour" of being in the presence of these "superior" humans, and I wouldve started the hunting game then if it didnt risk me losing my job. (I likes my peanut butter sandwiches!)
Paris Hilton was there, and let me tell you, to hunt her I would charge top dollar. (second only to the infamous J. Blunt). Elisha Cuthbert is a snobby twat, and the rest of the "Canadian Famous" jerks thought they were God's gift to everybody with the way they were strutting around backstage. Damnit I hate that guy from Simple Plan and his fucking face.
I realize celebrity will never truly die, but I'd enjoy a painty-face Tom Cruise, or a painty-dress Nicole Richie, or even a painty-everything Brad Pitt. I'm sick of celebrity. If you walk down the street with a camera in the U.S. filming somebody, 90% of passerbys turn and look at the camera or at the person being filmed, probably believing they've just seen some sort of superstar. Then they go home and tell their significant other how they had a brush with "stardom" and it then probably gets them laid. Get a clue, fuckwads! There are like 900 channels on television, each of which USE A CAMERA to film their programming. Pretty soon, 75% of everybody in North America will have been on TV at some point. Ok, that's a statistic I pulled out of my ear, but you know what I mean. So if you see a celebrity, pull out your paintball gun and start blasting. I declare open season on these parasites of civilization!
This rant does not include the wonderful actor Sean Penn.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Celebrity Edition
5. Elisha Cuthbert: Youre a snob? Seriously, you used to be on Popular Mechanics for Kids. Heres a tip, get a fucking clue, dingus. (Call me!)
4. Paris Hilton: Wow, you are so deserving of fame for being rich. Other famous rich people include Hitler and Scrooge McDuck.
3. The guy from Simple Plan: I think I mentioned you in my first blog hate list. Well, youve returned and now Im mentioning you again. Dude, you have a big melon head.
2. Tom Cruise: Most powerful celebrity in the world? Yeah, how about I hit you with a two by four and you tell me the pain is all make-believe and you dont need to take pain-killers.
1. FUCKING JAMES BLUNT!! ARGH!!! MY WRATH SPRINGS ETERNAL YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCK-SMOKING SPACE-SHIP-BUILDING-THEN-CRASHING-INTO-A-WAREHOUSE-FULL-OF-YOUR-CDS SCROAT GOAT!!!!!
Ahh. Much better now.
I havent written a blog in a while, and what better way to jump right back into the ranting than discussing everybody's favorite pastime - celebrity hunting. No, I'm not talking about finding out where Bennifer II are eating their lunch, or even where Brangelina are getting their toenails golden-ized. I'm talking about the 21st century sport of champions - getting a paintball gun and hunting these celebrities down!! Like in The Running Man, or Hard Target. Sick of seeing celebrities get away with murder? Sick of seeing these undeserving wealthy flaunt their status with platinum toilet paper and designer cutlery? I am! So the name of the game is "Paint Hunt", until I or someone else thinks of a catchier name.
The other day, I had the "honour" of being in the presence of these "superior" humans, and I wouldve started the hunting game then if it didnt risk me losing my job. (I likes my peanut butter sandwiches!)
Paris Hilton was there, and let me tell you, to hunt her I would charge top dollar. (second only to the infamous J. Blunt). Elisha Cuthbert is a snobby twat, and the rest of the "Canadian Famous" jerks thought they were God's gift to everybody with the way they were strutting around backstage. Damnit I hate that guy from Simple Plan and his fucking face.
I realize celebrity will never truly die, but I'd enjoy a painty-face Tom Cruise, or a painty-dress Nicole Richie, or even a painty-everything Brad Pitt. I'm sick of celebrity. If you walk down the street with a camera in the U.S. filming somebody, 90% of passerbys turn and look at the camera or at the person being filmed, probably believing they've just seen some sort of superstar. Then they go home and tell their significant other how they had a brush with "stardom" and it then probably gets them laid. Get a clue, fuckwads! There are like 900 channels on television, each of which USE A CAMERA to film their programming. Pretty soon, 75% of everybody in North America will have been on TV at some point. Ok, that's a statistic I pulled out of my ear, but you know what I mean. So if you see a celebrity, pull out your paintball gun and start blasting. I declare open season on these parasites of civilization!
This rant does not include the wonderful actor Sean Penn.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Celebrity Edition
5. Elisha Cuthbert: Youre a snob? Seriously, you used to be on Popular Mechanics for Kids. Heres a tip, get a fucking clue, dingus. (Call me!)
4. Paris Hilton: Wow, you are so deserving of fame for being rich. Other famous rich people include Hitler and Scrooge McDuck.
3. The guy from Simple Plan: I think I mentioned you in my first blog hate list. Well, youve returned and now Im mentioning you again. Dude, you have a big melon head.
2. Tom Cruise: Most powerful celebrity in the world? Yeah, how about I hit you with a two by four and you tell me the pain is all make-believe and you dont need to take pain-killers.
1. FUCKING JAMES BLUNT!! ARGH!!! MY WRATH SPRINGS ETERNAL YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCK-SMOKING SPACE-SHIP-BUILDING-THEN-CRASHING-INTO-A-WAREHOUSE-FULL-OF-YOUR-CDS SCROAT GOAT!!!!!
Ahh. Much better now.
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