tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61468169360217628862024-02-19T05:43:22.358-08:00Angry GaryAngry Garyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/02636996423425455421noreply@blogger.comBlogger31125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-87999482100828432552010-09-14T12:57:00.000-07:002010-09-15T10:30:02.812-07:00Angry Gary Does Kesha! (then vomits on self)<span style="font-size: large;"></span><span style="font-size: large;"></span><br />
<div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>“Don’t think that because I haven’t blogged lately that I’m not angry, it’s just that my anger has finally percolated to its boiling point”</i></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><i>- John Keats</i></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Like accidentally sitting on the thorny bastard child of an unholy union between a porcupine and</span><span style="font-size: large;"> a thorn beetle</span><span style="font-size: large;">, the subject of today’s blog-scussion has been sticking in my craw for exactly 17 months now. For you see, dear reader, 17 months ago was when I first discovered the “musical artist” I’ll be discussing below.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">In the shallow yet bloated world of entertainment you have a few different types of people. There are those select few that possess both looks and talent together in abundance. These are your sexy Scarlett Johanssons or your dashing Gary Oldmans. Good people, talented at what they do, and worthy of your praise. HAVE YOU FUCKING SEEN THE FILM <i>ROMEO IS BLEEDING</i>??? I haven't either, but I heard Oldman was great in it.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Next there's the middle ground - a collection of unfortunate celebs that have only one of the two attributes (looks or talent), but not the other.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">These are people like Amy Winehouse who happens to have the vocal talent of someone whose voice box was created by an advanced society of oratory robots on the distant planet of Songtunia - and when you listen to her it gives your brain an orgasm:</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDv9hF603dPR20wAuCYIUElSdzCOj_4sruRqAHbjsBvD0WFOJhbCpcqUxSM7E8OEuFJ9Wv2LD3YlmtO2TFCLgDCCr6kEXRIiO4xwDkfMOM7NKdSCSQU2o-2IJbjyUpeb4K-znWIVxAa34/s1600/tt0127940.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDv9hF603dPR20wAuCYIUElSdzCOj_4sruRqAHbjsBvD0WFOJhbCpcqUxSM7E8OEuFJ9Wv2LD3YlmtO2TFCLgDCCr6kEXRIiO4xwDkfMOM7NKdSCSQU2o-2IJbjyUpeb4K-znWIVxAa34/s320/tt0127940.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">OH FUCK YES BACK TO BLACK!! UNGHHH!!!</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;">But then unfortunately, they look like a truck used their face as target practice:</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVhP4MVedPeWye29qjk3ei9jXEf7CzPyZ4adfjOKGZdobzHBzmV6OTS8anilFApbPdwQODKi39p6ES6rs0drouStXq9pIER30bPBik0fncmzr8wfAptAjR8xEPU1eEh27O_7Ax5Kp_zjE/s1600/5oHge.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVhP4MVedPeWye29qjk3ei9jXEf7CzPyZ4adfjOKGZdobzHBzmV6OTS8anilFApbPdwQODKi39p6ES6rs0drouStXq9pIER30bPBik0fncmzr8wfAptAjR8xEPU1eEh27O_7Ax5Kp_zjE/s320/5oHge.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: large;">"COULD YOU PLEASE PASS THE ROCK, KIND SIR?"</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">And of course there’s the opposite amongst this middle ground. Those who look <i>good </i>fixing my car:</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2NCqCn7edqvDjpvq7ijOHkFgN2BynOF9bPGT-E5logShU1nYOUCj5KBdQCJ_AXNj3dqoFiHn0MtLrAHRpp7qgnolKhV8dSxsm22DFloKQ3H-Il747iwWli4IfV5xbCGZokdlmiFReQbI/s1600/000565528940.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg2NCqCn7edqvDjpvq7ijOHkFgN2BynOF9bPGT-E5logShU1nYOUCj5KBdQCJ_AXNj3dqoFiHn0MtLrAHRpp7qgnolKhV8dSxsm22DFloKQ3H-Il747iwWli4IfV5xbCGZokdlmiFReQbI/s320/000565528940.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><b>"ANGRY GARY, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS CAR."</b></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">But couldn’t act her way out of the plastic bag I kidnapped her in.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEi-jU9Pe_DD9fL32iq47J9wzfe9pukV3v68cRL-sJqcS8E9Bya08rY19q6KnsZTTL5it41UA4RPtQAce7yDIN2rr89Q_8xOJUyxELwVI74KVkC5tnlwsUYq_r90W6TQIlS9gp0Bhnik0/s1600/megan-fox-says-dumb-stuff-megan-fox-olsen-twins-news-cfa1cc108d9fbeaf843e91075d609a02.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgEi-jU9Pe_DD9fL32iq47J9wzfe9pukV3v68cRL-sJqcS8E9Bya08rY19q6KnsZTTL5it41UA4RPtQAce7yDIN2rr89Q_8xOJUyxELwVI74KVkC5tnlwsUYq_r90W6TQIlS9gp0Bhnik0/s320/megan-fox-says-dumb-stuff-megan-fox-olsen-twins-news-cfa1cc108d9fbeaf843e91075d609a02.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>EMOTE? IS THAT A NEW BRAND OF EYELINER?</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">THEN, there are those that have neither looks nor talent. The ones for whom Angry Gary’s blood boils. The undeserved nature of their fame taunting and nauseating me like the feeling I get before walking into a crowded movie theatre full of jack-asses waiting to guffaw in my ear at the slightest hint of humour on screen. One of those ugly and talentless fuckwits goes by the name of Kesha. </span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5h_7WkCfS9jRKq8qehLN7DRxwNIGFWEiSpYcD-DToQE1tepRGU5zIJOfMDyUFftDRkc_lvhPSi4jAqp0YILKYLBW2Yt7YZyIeE1kWiq0XQvKJTSNMqKyGm2t8RrgW3XXbY3C7e6nOwOk/s1600/Kesha+SIG55GY.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg5h_7WkCfS9jRKq8qehLN7DRxwNIGFWEiSpYcD-DToQE1tepRGU5zIJOfMDyUFftDRkc_lvhPSi4jAqp0YILKYLBW2Yt7YZyIeE1kWiq0XQvKJTSNMqKyGm2t8RrgW3XXbY3C7e6nOwOk/s320/Kesha+SIG55GY.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>"HEY, YEAH, IT'S ME, I'VE RELAPSED AGAIN."</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Yeah, I know she spells her name with a dollar sign. BUT I'M NOT FUCKING GOING TO. Why not? For the same reason I don’t draw fucking hearts on my exclamation points!!!! See? NO!!!!! HEARTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">This volunteer youth-church-choir reject got her start when she trespassed on Prince’s lawn after an all-night drug binge. No, I’m not citing my fucking sources on that, but half of it or more is actually completely true! From then on it’s been a fraudulent skyrocket to fame coasting on the invention of a Mr. Andy Hildebrand, creator of the auto-tune. That’s right, without it she’d most definitely sound like two cats fighting on a chalkboard. She’ll NEVER perform without her mic being plugged into this crooner’s crutch, and I would fucking give anything to be backstage at one of her concerts so I could pull the plug on that particular plug-in. I imagine it would sound like when Bart Simpson and his friends formed a boy band and were only successful because of their Studio Magic Voice Enhancer.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZNdJ2hwZhtAUoCDQMjbKr244ygVv_yym4gTTQvTh9rUKFTPH5OA62kMBbfMLolsT3IhDteyJGKqi2HCtJoUhMnjs5Keck2_uyMuqKVlimeQTf3HOB5apbPOl9fTiCCiUvYFvY2wa0L1s/s1600/cabf12-big.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZNdJ2hwZhtAUoCDQMjbKr244ygVv_yym4gTTQvTh9rUKFTPH5OA62kMBbfMLolsT3IhDteyJGKqi2HCtJoUhMnjs5Keck2_uyMuqKVlimeQTf3HOB5apbPOl9fTiCCiUvYFvY2wa0L1s/s320/cabf12-big.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">KESHA LOOKS MOST LIKE NELSON IN THIS SHOT</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">Then of course there’s her looks. I know what you’re thinking – “Hey, looks are subjective, everyone has different taste, be nice Angry Gary” to which I reply with this comparison picture:</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHJ1cgJZuDNlyl8anRpDVC6vFfN7n_3Dv4JJn4WWvoU2WFPDPZ4t-SgVAjc9lWw92-Z2R1zUhWlWUzGPNN17Awe-6vmTkfvYH_ckKtNzEw1G1IcVcRs0EECGQJWUTda3PK8B-f0eFVyB4/s1600/kesha-john-travolta.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHJ1cgJZuDNlyl8anRpDVC6vFfN7n_3Dv4JJn4WWvoU2WFPDPZ4t-SgVAjc9lWw92-Z2R1zUhWlWUzGPNN17Awe-6vmTkfvYH_ckKtNzEw1G1IcVcRs0EECGQJWUTda3PK8B-f0eFVyB4/s320/kesha-john-travolta.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><b>SEPARATED AT BIRTH (ON THE PLANET XENU)</b></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">That’s right, that’s Kesha on the left, and John Travolta on the right. What sort of fucking reality exists where any straight dude would want his wiener anywhere near that weenie roast? RUN THE FUCK IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. And what has her fame garnered her? A makeup line? NOPE. A clothing line? NOPE. Perhaps a line of hair products that make your hair look super fucking stringy? Nope. How about a product that draws as much attention away from her donkey-ass face as possible. That’s right, a line of WATCHES. No, not fancy watches like Rolex or Omega, but those at the pinnacle of high society and good taste – CASIO. That’s right, she’s the face of casio – or should I say the wrist of casio. In case you don’t know what a casio wrist watch looks like:</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLgHaOZyQRa_VNTR0yZbUtv-dgWZPHFpRbO40esXUkeQuUfPkt38Ty-sgcGH7hAr0679pbdwt3PDp5dEqDpRa68O8Rbu5V0OOyRsYyuscSw0_MNYcZxEbYlkkU-Gx6n-VjQYcctnmVuHo/s1600/casio_g-shock_gx-56.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLgHaOZyQRa_VNTR0yZbUtv-dgWZPHFpRbO40esXUkeQuUfPkt38Ty-sgcGH7hAr0679pbdwt3PDp5dEqDpRa68O8Rbu5V0OOyRsYyuscSw0_MNYcZxEbYlkkU-Gx6n-VjQYcctnmVuHo/s320/casio_g-shock_gx-56.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">KESHA SHOWN HERE MODELING HER NEW “SUPER FUCKING THICK-ASS” LINE OF CASIO WATCHES</span></b></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;">So in conclusion (and if you’re joining us late), I hate Kesha. More than I hate most talentless/fugly famous people. It’s people like this that make me believe that someone - somewhere - is accepting deals for your soul in exchange for fame and wealth. But one of these days, the devil will come to collect, and you have nothing else left to barter with YOU FUCKING FRAUD.</span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: large;"><br />
</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigY-5MVZxoz9PpTGyLvz6HhQvXY3vx2e0XBcNfQJGwi6BlEtjEjWHvlvcYIKjEBGNepboJVYAn7ADv1cJFgO4784iBp-xitHJGPh_QYJuet-6uOma9T1wCNOqvRSRSZ2YBceMEsw8A4rc/s1600/Kesha.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigY-5MVZxoz9PpTGyLvz6HhQvXY3vx2e0XBcNfQJGwi6BlEtjEjWHvlvcYIKjEBGNepboJVYAn7ADv1cJFgO4784iBp-xitHJGPh_QYJuet-6uOma9T1wCNOqvRSRSZ2YBceMEsw8A4rc/s320/Kesha.jpg" /></a></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"></span></div><div style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: small;">“WE ARE NOW COMMENCING PRE-BOARDING FOR PASSENGERS ON VIRGIN SPACE FLIGHT 101, SHORTLY DEPARTING FOR A JOURNEY DIRECTLY INTO THE FUCKING SUN."</span></b></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-41416929474919795182009-12-14T20:06:00.000-08:002009-12-14T20:57:19.945-08:00Spoiler Alert - An Angry Gary PSA<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="City"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p style="font-weight: bold;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Spoiler Alert! <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-weight: bold;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">An Angry <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Gary</st1:place></st1:city> Public Service Announcement</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Disclaimer: The below rant does<span style="font-weight: bold;"> NOT </span>contain any spoilers about the season finale of Dexter, but does reveal the following spoilers – </span>
<br /></span></p><p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style=""> </span>* Who shot J.R.?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style=""> </span>* Who shot Mr. Burns?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p style="font-style: italic;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style=""> </span>* Who shot Liberty Valance?</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">OK, seriously what the fuck is wrong with people out there that don’t understand what a spoiler is?<span style=""> </span>Webster’s Online defines a spoiler as “an airfoil mounted on the rear of a car to reduce lift at high speeds”.<span style=""> </span>But that’s only because I was too fucking angry to scroll down the damn fucking search result page!<span style=""> No, you see,</span> it actually means SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT SHOWS/MOVIES BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE HAS SEEN THE DAMN SHOW/MOVIE YET, YOU FUCKHEAD!!<span style=""> </span>(I’ve just submitted that in ALL CAPS to websters.com, and they better fucking approve it!)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Scenario: I’ve PVR’d one of my fucking FAVORITE shows on television because I’m not some sort of fucking Weird-Al-in-the-movie-UHF loving fuckball glued to my fucking television set every night of the week.<span style=""> </span>I’m the type of guy that likes to see friends that particular night, get a good night's sleep, and then go to work the following day, you know, because I’m PART OF FUCKING SOCIETY.<span style=""> </span>And then the next day, while I’m at work - bam, whadya know, some dick fuck decides it’s acceptable to post the EXPLICIT DETAILS about how Dexter ends in a news feed that pops up in Facebook.<span style=""> </span>THEN this person has the audacity to immediately post <span style="font-weight: bold;">AFTERWARDS</span> that there is a spoiler alert above what he/she’s just written.<span style=""> </span>AND THEN NOT EVEN DELETE THE ORIGINAL POST.<span style=""> </span>That’s like someone coming up to me back in the summer of 1980 and having the following conversation with me:</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjncukO14Co50ModyyAcNSeZ0-1B1N-JIxPPK4T4MVTyKO2RDKIjIsP6mBU8JWWTgasQdRxDZnV6buI_FNfQ10HvGITU0aFtbfvh7tEhQkLP9Nnbd91dJe4XZ63xXqQgMD57GodLmD9R9Q/s1600-h/people80.jpg">
<br /></a></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Fuckhead</span> - Hey dude, what’s up?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">Circa-1980’s Angry Gary</span> - Not much man, just listening to some Air Supply.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Fuckhead</span> – Cool man, cool, hey wasn’t that season finale of <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Dallas</st1:place></st1:city> so tubular?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">Circa-1980’s Angry Gary</span> – Totally bro, I wonder who shot JR, I have no idea.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Fuckhead</span> – It was Kristin Shepard.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">Circa-1980’s Angry </span><st1:city style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);" st="on"><st1:place st="on">Gary</st1:place></st1:city> – Are you fucking serious?<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Fuckhead</span> – Totally, I worked on the 8 track mixdown of the episode over at CBS. <o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">Circa-1980’s Angry Gary</span> – You are a CIRCA 1980'S FUCKWANKER.<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Fuckhead</span> - Sorry dude – I guess I should’ve said spoiler alert!<o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);">Fuckhead</span> - (muffled bludgeoning noises)</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgfcxsWXd_oH8Ffes-I9CHEEITYaW3zuS0Z4DazLth_mkMxzkSSt9wPySxxWr7qmUtNixjP20vw8AnCn0XELRYfH4tsBp2bBU8pF31jJR5674a4t8TT_8tEX2EXW0w6xtUhGtCTqUQVxk/s1600-h/people80.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 266px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgfcxsWXd_oH8Ffes-I9CHEEITYaW3zuS0Z4DazLth_mkMxzkSSt9wPySxxWr7qmUtNixjP20vw8AnCn0XELRYfH4tsBp2bBU8pF31jJR5674a4t8TT_8tEX2EXW0w6xtUhGtCTqUQVxk/s320/people80.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5415316848802059538" border="0" /></a></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">I get it.<span style=""> </span>Back then it was to be expected – if you didn’t see the damn show when it aired, you were fuck out of luck.<span style=""> </span>EVERYONE watched the damn fucking show when it was revealed.<span style=""> </span>But not these days!<span style=""> </span>These days’ people have fucking lives! And fucking PVR’s!<span style=""> </span>OH and perhaps maybe they’re watching the seasons on DVD and haven’t even caught up to the current fucking season!! <span style=""> </span>Ever think about that??<span style=""> </span>CAN’T THERE BE SOME FUCKING CONSIDERATION FOR PEOPLE THAT CAN’T AFFORD CABLE AND HAVE TO WAIT TILL THEIR DAMN AUNT EDNA WITH HER LAZY FUCKING EYE AND GIVING NATURE PUTS THE 4<sup>TH</sup> SEASON OF DEXTER UNDER THEIR DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE???<span style=""> </span>Nope, apparently that’s too much to ask these days.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);">So here’s my public service announcement:</span><span style="">
<br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style=""></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>(Music in)</o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>Hello, I'm Angry Gary, here to let you know that if you're going to start a fucking dialogue about something you saw one fucking night ago, please have the courtesy to start your coversation like this:
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p style="color: rgb(255, 255, 255);" class="MsoNormal"><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> </p><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);">
<br /></span></span><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 0);font-family:Arial;" >Not A Fuckhead</span><span style="font-family:Arial;"> – Hey, Angry Gary, did you see the finale of Dexter last night?
<br /><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255);">Angry Gary</span> - Indeed I did, person that isn't a fuckhead...(proceeds to discuss and analyze and be merry)</span></p>
<br /><o:p></o:p><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >AND NOT LIKE THIS:</span><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(255, 0, 0);font-family:arial;" >Fuckhead</span><span style="font-family:arial;"> – Hey, Angry </span><st1:place style="font-family: arial;" st="on"><st1:city st="on">Gary</st1:city></st1:place><span style="font-family:arial;">, did you see how Maggie shot Mr. Burns last night but the whole episode it seemed as if Homer did it?</span><span style="font-family:arial;"> </span><span style="font-family:arial;">But it was Maggie?</span><o:p></o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:arial;"><span style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255); font-family: arial;">Angry </span><st1:city style="color: rgb(51, 204, 255); font-family: arial;" st="on"><st1:place st="on">Gary</st1:place></st1:city><span style="font-family: arial;"> – (AGHAST)</span><o:p></o:p></p> <p style="font-family: arial;" class="MsoNormal">
<br /><o:p></o:p></p> <p style="font-family: arial;" class="MsoNormal">THE MORE YOU KNOW*********************</p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-family:arial;">(fade out)</span>
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="City"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--></p>
<br /><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">See the difference?<span style=""> </span>Good. <span style=""> </span>Thank you for listening, and do enjoy the finale of Dexter. If you don’t watch Dexter then just get your damn Uncle Leroy with his lazy fucking hip to get you seasons 1-3 on DVD or Blu Ray this Christmas.<span style=""> </span>You’ll thank Angry Gary for it.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p> </o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">P.S. The man who shot Liberty Valance was Tom Doniphon, and not Rance Stoddard.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="">
<br /></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ3QY-5XJ7XfxK6nO5_dJAa4Bonlb8j2qoRG32_ZKwJ-_1jVbKCiEJmEJEuT8b-rzTJ97zoi7jrppRBOZjXoWiIk0iI54Hz8L9Sqw2knjEnN1UFvLw8ebvazJLRUKFd17-CuelU5y50YQ/s1600-h/130-116John-Wayne-Posters.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 251px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjZ3QY-5XJ7XfxK6nO5_dJAa4Bonlb8j2qoRG32_ZKwJ-_1jVbKCiEJmEJEuT8b-rzTJ97zoi7jrppRBOZjXoWiIk0iI54Hz8L9Sqw2knjEnN1UFvLw8ebvazJLRUKFd17-CuelU5y50YQ/s320/130-116John-Wayne-Posters.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5415314279504698738" border="0" /></a>
<br /></p><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><p style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3UCJ-LX6lKyBfhhxECfY6xlZ641-J0_Se7jvm5BBVQbLd3jwqtHGbP6iaxo7LDcwWxcxsO8mrrlKyCMA3on8jnvJGN6B0Rsx0TOiVYuczIB7wbCxXf9-CXnooJog4WJY7epXGeKRpZgw/s1600-h/130-116John-Wayne-Posters.jpg">
<br /></a></p><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><p style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">
<br /></span></p><p style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">
<br /></span></p><p style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">
<br /></span></p><p style="text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">BECAUSE HE’S JOHN FUCKING WAYNE AND HE’LL KILL ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY!!!<o:p></o:p></span></p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-46599785138005969462009-07-15T16:20:00.000-07:002009-07-15T19:46:41.770-07:00Oh...You Guys Are Together...I See...<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="City"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="country-region"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Angry <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Gary</st1:place></st1:city> loves the cinema.<span style=""> </span>Loves the escape, the wonder, the suspension of disbelief.<span style=""> </span>But as is the case with many things, Angry Gary gets angry when his experience is FUCKING RUINED.<span style=""> </span>By which I mean when viewing certain movies my disbelief cannot POSSIBLY be suspended due to the fact that what’s being presented is entirely IM-FUCKING-PLAUSIBLE.<span style=""> </span>And when does this occur you ask?<span style=""></span></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style=""></span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">When Morpheus tells Neo about the Matrix?<span style=""> </span>Nope, I bought it.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">When Jason Statham falls from a plane onto a car and survives in Crank?<span style=""> </span>Nope, it could happen.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">When Martin Lawrence dons his fat suit and plays 17 characters in the same scene?<span style=""> </span>Nope, that's like a regular thanksgiving in my book.<o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">It’s when they put two fucking people together in a “relationship” and expect us to swallow that this would ever happen EVER in real life.<span style=""> </span>And below I’ve listed my top offenders, in an effort to alleviate some of this angry pain.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
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<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg3lS_yLre05kQ6H3MvGn8jGaBQpm_BTvmSRfPfXzqlNhM9ZaI6ATM-3g0VROp1Ks6R57dFZh4wAuKkk5xU3ORq1_JyaZB7IfJTcbSsN8c4ib7_wQZeKSJKvDW7x869ltG7_LglX3Y9so/s1600-h/Cera_Duo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 220px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg3lS_yLre05kQ6H3MvGn8jGaBQpm_BTvmSRfPfXzqlNhM9ZaI6ATM-3g0VROp1Ks6R57dFZh4wAuKkk5xU3ORq1_JyaZB7IfJTcbSsN8c4ib7_wQZeKSJKvDW7x869ltG7_LglX3Y9so/s320/Cera_Duo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358838402419029970" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Movie</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two People in Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Micheal Cera and Alexis Dziena</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Not?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">No, I didn’t go out and watch this movie in theatres, or even on DVD.<span style=""> </span>I had to watch it for work, so don’t get your knickers in a twist thinking Angry Gary has gone all soft.<span style=""> </span>Here’s my theory about Michael Cera.<span style=""> </span>I just think he isn’t aware that he’s actually being filmed in anything.<span style=""> </span>I think he just goes about his life, and the situations he gets himself in of his own accord somehow get turned into a movie plot and subsequently filmed. Sure, he wonders what all those funny guys in “crew” shirts are doing around him, and why sometimes night is lit up like day when his Paul Frank watch clearly indicates it’s not daytime, but I really think he just goes about his normal daily business, getting into fucked up and completely unlikely scenarios, then receives a big cheque at the end of 3 months for work he doesn’t remember doing.<span style=""> </span>Because he really is just always acting like HIMSELF.<span style=""> </span>Which is why when this movie wrapped he wondered why Alexis all of a sudden stopped acting like his girlfriend, and Kat Denning didn’t call him back the next day cause she had to fly to <st1:place st="on"><st1:country-region st="on">Spain</st1:country-region></st1:place> for another movie.<span style=""> </span>Imagine him there at a coffee place that morning saying “hmm…oh…uhh…oh…” (verbatim)<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">__
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<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvQVw1goM6Yvk9xZ5sLqisUPvzl1KNPjjFl6qKugam82krym0ciCP0npJ_5pizNovOaIX9WVvwA-Dn4HQAhWealJMq_l87G_g7aqTz1nHxtwC5nH0whGc9rl87r2ye8am-ChkEqXOEQqQ/s1600-h/rogen_duo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 220px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvQVw1goM6Yvk9xZ5sLqisUPvzl1KNPjjFl6qKugam82krym0ciCP0npJ_5pizNovOaIX9WVvwA-Dn4HQAhWealJMq_l87G_g7aqTz1nHxtwC5nH0whGc9rl87r2ye8am-ChkEqXOEQqQ/s320/rogen_duo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358838551653929858" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Movie</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Knocked Up</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two People in Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Not?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Yes, I’m aware they only initially hook up because her state of drunkenness at the time clearly approaches that of your Russian uncle.<span style=""> </span>And I suppose having a baby with someone is motivation to stick around after the fact.<span style=""> </span>But come on, how drunk could she possibly be?<span style=""> </span>She doesn’t weigh a lot, and to consume the amount of alcohol it would take to make Pubey-Chest-Hair-Rogen look good should by all accounts be enough to “knock” her unconscious.<span style=""> </span>But it isn’t.<span style=""> </span>And in fact, she seems fairly aware of the situation at the time.<span style=""> </span>Kudos though to her acting abilities for being able to get her through those scenes.<span style=""> </span>Or perhaps the producers simply hired an actress with a secret fondness for Chewbacca.<span style=""> </span>MAHHHH.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal">__
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<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXEWRtl5anqt5HpwnBzlo8uUsppz6sHfXoKdxsF7MN6wbYEF10nFLcqkzgBOmmobWfr5QNsTTZlog1m-2iCTV6lilPtYltb8tICBJrgl6MuCLw-0DzAx0vvSbpLvbR3KvbMAKQEni60yI/s1600-h/fraser_duo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 178px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXEWRtl5anqt5HpwnBzlo8uUsppz6sHfXoKdxsF7MN6wbYEF10nFLcqkzgBOmmobWfr5QNsTTZlog1m-2iCTV6lilPtYltb8tICBJrgl6MuCLw-0DzAx0vvSbpLvbR3KvbMAKQEni60yI/s320/fraser_duo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358838446885832818" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Movie</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">The Mummy<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two People in Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Not?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">HE WAS FUCKING ENCINO MAN!!<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">__
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<br /></p><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD0bidWjY4yrtyW7Tl44px9S_LpvlNP-B2I-j8V29uyK_z-sy5K8xet4qTDPFiW0aXrqZ5v_ZMrhF8bkTp68h1AlHriuz1ZyfyKX0rGD3SM7S5i-79_QPWFVi9c1NYhv11EAtVKhENmRY/s1600-h/stiller_duo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 201px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjD0bidWjY4yrtyW7Tl44px9S_LpvlNP-B2I-j8V29uyK_z-sy5K8xet4qTDPFiW0aXrqZ5v_ZMrhF8bkTp68h1AlHriuz1ZyfyKX0rGD3SM7S5i-79_QPWFVi9c1NYhv11EAtVKhENmRY/s320/stiller_duo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358838599008234594" border="0" /></a></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two People in Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Ben Stiller and Carmen Electra<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p>
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Movie</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Starsky and Hutch<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Not?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Oh look at me, I crack a couple jokes and direct some movies, and since I’m partially financing this flick I’m going to just pick a dream girl to star as my love interest, don’t worry, everyone will buy it!<span style=""> </span>Well, Mr. Stiller, I’m not forking over my duckets for this sale.<span style=""> </span>(Cause I torrented the shit out of this one). And now that ol' Benny has the clout and the finances he can pretty much make WHATEVER FUCKING MOVIE HE WANTS and put whoever he wants in it! Kind of like the director of our next movie on the list...<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">__</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8agJEyEX0LuKIo3-wH4_l9yII7i_VBIYpE1XFE4bKovVx5M_gM7P4XPKsb3NlT1lqHAxlkJ5W23hDu-GWdEHWs1ucbNq2_XE2O1CrIjjU30smjYW0m54w0phweKG2WzWnZ_n74H0MLag/s1600-h/bardem_duo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 199px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8agJEyEX0LuKIo3-wH4_l9yII7i_VBIYpE1XFE4bKovVx5M_gM7P4XPKsb3NlT1lqHAxlkJ5W23hDu-GWdEHWs1ucbNq2_XE2O1CrIjjU30smjYW0m54w0phweKG2WzWnZ_n74H0MLag/s320/bardem_duo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358838320973547810" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Movie</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Vicky Cristina Barcelona<o:p></o:p>
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">
<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two People in Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz<o:p></o:p>
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<br /></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Not?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal"><meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-family: Arial;">OK, this one really burns me up.<span style=""> </span>REALLY burns me up.<span style=""> </span>You’re telling me that I’m supposed to believe that ANY woman out there would be interested enough in Javier Bardem to have a passionate relationship.<span style=""> </span>REALLY?<span style=""> </span>REALLY??<span style=""> </span>Look at him in that picture, he looks like Uncle Fester in a bowl hair wig!<span style=""> </span>And his face looks like it was hit by a truck!<span style=""> </span>We’re not talking the Owen Wilson “Oh, look at my fucked up polygonal nose, hee hee isn’t it unique?” face here.<span style=""> </span>We’re talking full on face smashing.<span style=""> </span>I would be sensitive if he’d been in an accident, but I did my research!<span style=""> </span>That’s all him!!<span style=""> </span>And it’s not even like a regular relationship.<span style=""> </span>It’s European!!<span style=""> </span>That’s like 100 times the passion!! <span style=""> </span>Gross disgusting Addams Family passion!!</span></p>
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<br /></span><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1ctHAlFcS9OiIaOOW9OP7mF1455kmFBLzORZ0IfWvdvs1ja_tKAt6P-TSN7TCiz4M6WpRrBDfDUS5oDqgJcs5qPvIfocYsM5DbRiLSyulahDf0v4D7QHEjAcBNt_FHdZTZDjdn5j-OB4/s1600-h/black_duo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 222px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1ctHAlFcS9OiIaOOW9OP7mF1455kmFBLzORZ0IfWvdvs1ja_tKAt6P-TSN7TCiz4M6WpRrBDfDUS5oDqgJcs5qPvIfocYsM5DbRiLSyulahDf0v4D7QHEjAcBNt_FHdZTZDjdn5j-OB4/s320/black_duo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358838356305982738" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two People in Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Jack Black and Ana de la Reguera<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Movie</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Nacho Libre<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Not?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Follow this for a moment, something I like to call “The Trail of Sweat”.<span style=""> </span>Men are known to sweat.<span style=""> </span>Men sweat in heat.<span style=""> </span>Men sweat more in Mexican heat.<span style=""> </span>Men sweat in Mexican heat even more when they weigh 300 lbs.<span style=""> </span>Men sweat even MORE in Mexican heat when they weight 300 lbs and wear FULL BODY FUCKING SPANDEX.<span style=""> </span>And that is Jack Black’s character in this movie.<span style=""> </span>Sweaty and flabby to the nth degree.<span style=""> </span>What could possibly be more appealing to his love interest?<span style=""> </span>I don’t know, how about something even REMOTELY LESS SWEATY than an amorphous blob that is so covered in clear fluid that I confuse him with the creature from the movie Leviathan.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">__</p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjefIOQJoa5f_LUfKL8_x5_z9IAylYicvF7pGFvp1YnAKuvJ8YPbU-IcwSKnFwgJUbajbOgSHTJzS-ZH99SDieHPyybLqpslaFE0epRx0NHN7YJRA6poLVwM-agBHxaL1W6WNPtVrKxkYg/s1600-h/reynolds_duo.jpg"><img style="cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 232px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjefIOQJoa5f_LUfKL8_x5_z9IAylYicvF7pGFvp1YnAKuvJ8YPbU-IcwSKnFwgJUbajbOgSHTJzS-ZH99SDieHPyybLqpslaFE0epRx0NHN7YJRA6poLVwM-agBHxaL1W6WNPtVrKxkYg/s320/reynolds_duo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358838514505983010" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Two People in Relationship</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Ryan Reynolds with anyone in film or real life.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Movie</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Many.<span style=""> </span>And also the movie of real life.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p></span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p></o:p><span style="font-weight: bold;">Why Not?</span><o:p></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">Sorry Jen, but no.<span style=""> </span>I can’t believe it.<span style=""> </span>This guy is one step away from being Dane Cook.<span style=""> </span>And that’s two steps away from being the swamp creature.<span style=""> </span>Some might say I’m biased because he’s with the most incredible woman on earth, but no, that has nothing to do with it.<span style=""> </span>I swear.<span style=""> </span>And Jessica Biel in Blade 3?<span style=""> </span>REALLY?!?!?<span style=""> </span>If his character had hooked up with Wesley Snipes character from that movie I would’ve found that 100% more believable!<span style=""> </span>And 75% less unsettling! Yeah, "peace" right back at you bro.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;"><o:p>
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<br /></o:p></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family:Arial;">I’m not going to win this one.<span style=""> </span>I’m sure there are those of you out there that are saying “Angry Gary, you’re a fucking idiot, that <insert name="" here=""> dude is a babe.”<span style=""> </span>To which I respond, yes.<span style=""> </span>I understand you feel that way.<span style=""> </span>And you know what other dude out there gets a lot of ladies?<span style=""> </span>The young man pictured below.<span style=""> </span>That’s right, Angry Gary’s theory is and always has been that even Carrot Top gets the ladies.<span style=""> </span>Proof positive that there is a chance for us regular guys that are at least somewhat better looking than the evil mutated twin of Ronald McDonald.</insert></span></p><p class="MsoNormal">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSwyShOoK-AxXU32oWb9FerRZundGhnSPyAMOfeuP5T-hxf92bdTfQLORG8AHQYrifxuQX4GaOxnaASj2fi_JpENwa2JZvxolCsYMX7PdQQFSZSIu34msg-E6g7PbNDfM0nZYCxW8aNLs/s1600-h/carrot.jpeg"><img style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; cursor: pointer; width: 282px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSwyShOoK-AxXU32oWb9FerRZundGhnSPyAMOfeuP5T-hxf92bdTfQLORG8AHQYrifxuQX4GaOxnaASj2fi_JpENwa2JZvxolCsYMX7PdQQFSZSIu34msg-E6g7PbNDfM0nZYCxW8aNLs/s320/carrot.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5358832485473912226" border="0" /></a>
<br /><span style="font-family:Arial;"><insert name="" here=""><o:p></o:p></insert></span></p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-37322891678579648122009-03-13T06:13:00.000-07:002009-03-14T16:33:43.208-07:00Girls That Get Random Messages From Dudes<span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >An AngryGary Thesis</span> <v:stroke><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"><v:path connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" extrusionok="f"><o:lock aspectratio="t" ext="edit"><v:imagedata href="http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/28/s_6744333d04ea7b0f164fcf41680fb7fc.jpg" src="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Cgheather%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_image001.jpg"><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br />There are many types of people that bother Angry Gary on a daily basis, from the local grocer who raises his waffle prices on Friday's because he KNOWS I love waffles on Saturday, to the guy that pulls up at the stop sign to the left of you and thinks that by not looking you in the eye he can get away with speeding through the intersection before you do as he meanders along to his job in middle management where he spends his days looking at anime porn. Then there are the types of people, specifically dudes, who send random, unsolicited messages through Myspace/Facebook to women they don't know/have a chance with in the hopes of bedding them.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaCCDfc4l6ahpu-ttqRKYaPZPhyphenhyphenk225vgs2aNapU3w-wqYa1scHoRMCxLnOmBjy_xGbU9YOOkXbuxrEDtYaup311U_DpDLZou6a1NML3C0LBdYeE1joAPeJVjTj1gC-lPSijKU_aqEnW0/s1600-h/paul-blart-mall-cop-courtesy-columbia-pictures.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312665570915687218" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 122px; cursor: pointer; height: 96px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgaCCDfc4l6ahpu-ttqRKYaPZPhyphenhyphenk225vgs2aNapU3w-wqYa1scHoRMCxLnOmBjy_xGbU9YOOkXbuxrEDtYaup311U_DpDLZou6a1NML3C0LBdYeE1joAPeJVjTj1gC-lPSijKU_aqEnW0/s320/paul-blart-mall-cop-courtesy-columbia-pictures.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br />Suck on THAT segue, Paul Blart - Mall Cop!</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><br />A girl I know who shall remain anonymous - let's call her A. Orr - no no that's too obvious - let's call her Amanda O - receives these types of messages on a near daily basis. Some of them are hilarious, some are lazy, some are just creepy - but ALL of them are pathetic. She has been gracious enough to share a few with me for the purposes of this blog/thesis. Let us delve into the minds of these creatures for a moment and try to determine what makes them tick, shall we? All messages are verbatim.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SUBJECT A - GENERIC SHIRTLESS DUDE</span></span> <span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT-3Eq88khUP-_xp25kOQG-0UHrwqf8jcc6fwQNGehAVluhhujQjdTrOK6wn30ABetKo1akcsWP2QxrqQNOvUMab9HKXRPDf8hSzRh1SUJvCW2xkK0OhZuYwXdKmn5gmETSlJ9yxZEKhA/s1600-h/shirtless.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312666278863846530" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 154px; cursor: pointer; height: 102px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT-3Eq88khUP-_xp25kOQG-0UHrwqf8jcc6fwQNGehAVluhhujQjdTrOK6wn30ABetKo1akcsWP2QxrqQNOvUMab9HKXRPDf8hSzRh1SUJvCW2xkK0OhZuYwXdKmn5gmETSlJ9yxZEKhA/s320/shirtless.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">MESSAGE</span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">whats your msn cutie </span></span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">COMMENTARY</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />OK, subject A, aside from your ability to somehow have FOUR grammatical errors in a sentence with FOUR words, a feat not seen since the infamous "i haz a bucket" one has to be impressed by the quality of photo generated from your circa 2002 Nokia flip phone that you obviously spent your shirt money on. </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM</span></span><br /><span style="font-family:arial;">Because either you're naturally shiny (greasy) or you have fantastic Photoshop skills. And since it's most likely the former, Amanda won't be impressed. And also, this is what women get ALL THE TIME from guys, and it's just lazy. So lazy.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SUBJECT B - GENERIC "I'M ONLY IN TOWN FOR A SHORT TIME" DUDE</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXCsIi6jJXTWVU3eGAO32dlMwr0dHcgR4Y0j2tLI0Q-lmFM3SRFBsDuaBfvejy2D6wgxETTZCGNsetsXllpAH5n90gwkn8ITXPaG6THTwxDjRS6tSUIq8Iy9uhbVVbKKKwarD1xZGVbrc/s1600-h/intown.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312660497194627858" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 129px; cursor: pointer; height: 320px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXCsIi6jJXTWVU3eGAO32dlMwr0dHcgR4Y0j2tLI0Q-lmFM3SRFBsDuaBfvejy2D6wgxETTZCGNsetsXllpAH5n90gwkn8ITXPaG6THTwxDjRS6tSUIq8Iy9uhbVVbKKKwarD1xZGVbrc/s320/intown.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >MESSAGE</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >I am staying in downtown toronto area for a week before i head back to US. I was wondering if you would like to hang out withme sometime as a friend. Next time you visit US, you got a friend's place to crash at ma condo in Michigan, NY and Kansas City. :)</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >bye </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">COMMENTARY</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />As turned on as Amanda may be by your cargo shorts and inability to effectively fasten a fanny pack in the proper manner, I find it interesting that you specify that you're looking for only a "friend" not once but TWICE in your short message. Crash at your condo? In Michigan? Michigan, which is apparently a city in New York. Yeah, cause when I'm in New York State, the #1 city as a tourist destination I think of is FUCKING MICHIGAN. Oh but you also have Kansas City? There are two condos in the deal? That certainly does sweeten the pot, because she would be an outright WHORE if there was only one condo involved. Oh and I bet there's two bedrooms in each condo, right? Or is she sleeping on the floor? Whatever the arrangement, I know she'll be happy just hanging out as "friends" while you show her slides of your recent "vacation" to Washington D.C. Good luck with all of that.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Cause friends don't ask friends to come to Michigan, NY. </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SUBJECT C - THE SELF-DEPRECATING DUDE</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwO1G9NRMRgAbVm_jeytNFng2sQ05UcNVEy_-PqLsSGh1jKPi8RfoWI-mMATdmotNljUENEE2eq1N5rPdCXbNyWgTd8VCR07T81-vJrhcBEYFa8ooSc8yaa08eQt5oS09-M0B7HtEf2U8/s1600-h/self.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312661880585560130" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 97px; cursor: pointer; height: 320px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwO1G9NRMRgAbVm_jeytNFng2sQ05UcNVEy_-PqLsSGh1jKPi8RfoWI-mMATdmotNljUENEE2eq1N5rPdCXbNyWgTd8VCR07T81-vJrhcBEYFa8ooSc8yaa08eQt5oS09-M0B7HtEf2U8/s320/self.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >MESSAGE</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Just wanted you to know...</span></span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >...that you're absolutely perfect and way too far away...</span> <span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >...not that I'm perfect or anything. :P</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">COMMENTARY</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />What do you mean you're not perfect? You’re the epitome of sexuality and swagger, a man only imagined in the deepest recesses of desire in the...OH WAIT YOU LOOK LIKE SATAN. And no, for the record, YOU'RE not too far away because your face is RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. Oh but tee hee your self-deprecation makes me question my initial instinct to MACE YOU IN THE FACE if you were to approach me in public. HEE HEE, congratulations I am now confused.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Because she can't see the other half of your face, and that's a deal breaker, cause that side could be your mutant side, or the side you're showing could be your mutant side, either way, mutants lose points.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SUBJECT D - THE NERDY SELF-PROMOTER DUDE</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9uKO5qReO-7FXlvecIgX_bDH-XkS2v2Rj_wQKOSxgBkDEYwpENjXDUyrMBSymc4nsFKoOmJSJE_zKSJfEQiXIaoAmS50GbJemsOd9FGri8SLEzG0PGY2UmP4YZNaCUcTPmBCKO0bhipo/s1600-h/nerdy.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312662323132711650" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 170px; cursor: pointer; height: 226px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh9uKO5qReO-7FXlvecIgX_bDH-XkS2v2Rj_wQKOSxgBkDEYwpENjXDUyrMBSymc4nsFKoOmJSJE_zKSJfEQiXIaoAmS50GbJemsOd9FGri8SLEzG0PGY2UmP4YZNaCUcTPmBCKO0bhipo/s320/nerdy.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><br />MESSAGE</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Your page has flair and rockstar hair...Ok so I attempted to rhyme to grab your attention. Did it work? We shall see!</span></span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >Your a videogame geek eh? how many guys message you asking to play video games with you? Cute video game girls are like the holy grail to male geeks everywhere. But I am guessing you have experienced that already?</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >So i want to chat sometime, make some friends and stuff. Not sure how you feel about that but it would be nice to learn more.</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >Hope the rainy gloom of the city goes away cus this weekend is gonna be hawt!</span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >If you want to check my page best use internet explorer. I do photography on the side of life so check my blog out if you want to see it.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">COMMENTARY</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Yeah dude, the quickest way to a nerdy girls heart is to tell her that your page is optimized for internet explorer. Next you’ll be telling her about this “hawt” new music program called Real Player. Good one. Oh shit, I saw what you did there when talking about this weekend - you almost baited her into asking about why your weekend would be so "hawt", and that would totally open up a dialog - what an indirect way of eliciting a response from her! CLEVER! And no, I've never heard any guy that likes video games EVER say that they like cute girls that like video games. That is literally the first time I've ever heard anyone even suggest that. Blindsided.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Your picture. And your words.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">SUBJECT E - GENERIC "FOREIGNER" DUDE</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIk-iaOPdK4OOE17ce7IjJc1MMGPm54uK2y0p4fw2r-cVMtTz44XfIKqKqzd_zIBzs9GZq9nRgBP60G4JP4nvgn31E6buHXk9lqMtA4zuuj-RGTiUDXXW54deVczZnbTN7Dd2hlzzixnk/s1600-h/forgen.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312662635685734306" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 170px; cursor: pointer; height: 239px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIk-iaOPdK4OOE17ce7IjJc1MMGPm54uK2y0p4fw2r-cVMtTz44XfIKqKqzd_zIBzs9GZq9nRgBP60G4JP4nvgn31E6buHXk9lqMtA4zuuj-RGTiUDXXW54deVczZnbTN7Dd2hlzzixnk/s320/forgen.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >MESSAGE</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Hi! Your heart has a beauty that I find in no other. Your warmth and compassion inspire me to take new risks and grow daily, refining me into a better person. Your eyes hold a sexiness and a passion others can only long for. As long as my heart beats, I shall seek out your soul and feel fulfilled! you have a lovely name amanda,that remind me the song of don william title amanda. pls i need your reply.</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">COMMENTARY</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Ok, I produce and write promos for the W Network, and let me just tell you, this is miles beyond any of the copy I am capable of writing. If you get the W Network in Nigeria, please tune in next month to see that I have used every word of your message in a script and not given you credit for it. I now claim this ballad of words as my own and all rights to it in perpetuity. And yes, I WOULD like to help withdraw Prince Phillpe's money out of escrow and will be sending you $6,000 by wire shortly to expedite the transactions.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />They aren’t that slim, I’ll trade her for more of those fancy fancy words I can then use for work.<br /><br /></span><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >SUBJECT F - THE "RANDOM" DUDE</span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;">(picture withheld)</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">MESSAGE</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Randon tax question for ya dollface - how much do you think your return will be this year? i'm only getting $347...i call BS! what does $347 get you these days. add me as a friendo and let me know-o</span></span><span style="font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-style: italic;font-family:arial;" >tata.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">COMMENTARY</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;">Oh my god, is this how Canada Revenue operates their auditing service now? I'm screwed! Oh no, it's just another in a long line of randoms. If calling a girl you don't know "dollface" doesn’t get her to drop her pants, then certainly asking about her finances will! Yeah!! That's the ticket! I'll tell you what $347 gets you. A hooker and some ice cream.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Because rhyming "friendo" with "know-o" is about as clever as rhyming fuckface with...look you've gone and stumped me. you win, you LITERARY GENIUS. </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br />__<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">THE QUICKIES</span></span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsjDGikoNhMDb4BNkhI2P9TCpEWuiRGainn98aKmVLpP4nGA2VlfL2e2o5gHP5N48eS6-5Z1PVJChWFwnRGtJJnQt9EO6CssmUJ1BuOzqEhfRzCxtQhhjc9d6b9SGqdUAXtRwpqCu7j1M/s1600-h/takeeyes.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312663201047794930" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 81px; cursor: pointer; height: 60px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsjDGikoNhMDb4BNkhI2P9TCpEWuiRGainn98aKmVLpP4nGA2VlfL2e2o5gHP5N48eS6-5Z1PVJChWFwnRGtJJnQt9EO6CssmUJ1BuOzqEhfRzCxtQhhjc9d6b9SGqdUAXtRwpqCu7j1M/s320/takeeyes.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br />hi...can i take your eyes?...becouse they are so beatiful..:)) </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3AExYb4H5dUHQ8Qsaa42zuASpo9KCVnK8DzzpAONO6Uof2tO_YDxe8OQ8k51QdU0y6rQUw7QSUKUyHQVPQA9BZ2C7HnZxVdiyeBLHhO_Up8dJUlTehS15U1C3fugaAdrVjgGxWZ2p5i4/s1600-h/2ndquick.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312663400306943442" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 79px; cursor: pointer; height: 59px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3AExYb4H5dUHQ8Qsaa42zuASpo9KCVnK8DzzpAONO6Uof2tO_YDxe8OQ8k51QdU0y6rQUw7QSUKUyHQVPQA9BZ2C7HnZxVdiyeBLHhO_Up8dJUlTehS15U1C3fugaAdrVjgGxWZ2p5i4/s320/2ndquick.jpg" border="0" /></a><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br />wow are you as naughty as you look to be...god i hope so</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhta6yXo593J3R4lBjfwmxwHyBXCHWmoXhprefD9DPGcy16SvsvWHBPx3qjAuqTePcq_AmYuUeeBQMPaB-ae11p4PqbvPfOdOHJND5HOM01NTRIBBGWjx-PUYgB2_zog__TO-0Uyhi3ll8/s1600-h/no_pic.gif"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312663622586947826" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 75px; cursor: pointer; height: 75px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhta6yXo593J3R4lBjfwmxwHyBXCHWmoXhprefD9DPGcy16SvsvWHBPx3qjAuqTePcq_AmYuUeeBQMPaB-ae11p4PqbvPfOdOHJND5HOM01NTRIBBGWjx-PUYgB2_zog__TO-0Uyhi3ll8/s320/no_pic.gif" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br />hi u r very cute!! how r u doing? wanna tlak? Im karen from TO..lol </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /></span><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYJ-mgFP6zt6KtfZnOi5xfmqNi8VxUwWqBzFjVHPFWtZ65TfZUKfSg_UNIcX-73smn9Uh1YYBLuMaPZ0L0GirQi_wNWK-BCJxqNjz8fsQl4TaUX-YO3hC0-urGI56D624phLx9EnE8Exw/s1600-h/marryme.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312663818607324322" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 71px; cursor: pointer; height: 53px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjYJ-mgFP6zt6KtfZnOi5xfmqNi8VxUwWqBzFjVHPFWtZ65TfZUKfSg_UNIcX-73smn9Uh1YYBLuMaPZ0L0GirQi_wNWK-BCJxqNjz8fsQl4TaUX-YO3hC0-urGI56D624phLx9EnE8Exw/s320/marryme.jpg" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-family:arial;"><br />so um ya.............marry me? </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">AND THE BEST OF THE WORST, THE CREEPIEST OF THE CREEPER</span></span>...<br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" >SUBJECT F - THE "MAYBE WE SHOULD REPORT THIS" DUDE</span><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhuDG4Nyjl6NTJa02pHvyfLOvSJ110CbowZO7lcntqqz0gtI_i4PXoFNBpfMsnpY9Kluif7-I6TbO_WAJ8APyWJbNY_KfahaQI4JT0PNjIz-4GSE0pEbGcoSjUQqkvcN4NPY7zztE0Iy8/s1600-h/lucivfer.jpg"><img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5312664053693625938" style="margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; float: left; width: 170px; cursor: pointer; height: 131px;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhuDG4Nyjl6NTJa02pHvyfLOvSJ110CbowZO7lcntqqz0gtI_i4PXoFNBpfMsnpY9Kluif7-I6TbO_WAJ8APyWJbNY_KfahaQI4JT0PNjIz-4GSE0pEbGcoSjUQqkvcN4NPY7zztE0Iy8/s320/lucivfer.jpg" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-weight: bold;font-family:arial;" ><br />MESSAGE</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br />hey wot up</span> <span style="font-family:arial;">nice baby pic</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />COMMENTARY</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br /></span><span style="font-family:arial;">.......</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;"><br />WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM</span></span><span style="font-weight: bold;"> </span><span style="font-family:arial;"><br />Because the RCMP is at your door.</span> <span style="font-family:arial;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Do YOU have any creepy/funny/weird dudes (or chicks) that randomly message you? Email them to me so I can use them in an upcoming blog!</span></span><br /></v:imagedata></o:lock></v:path></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:stroke><v:stroke><v:f eqn="if lineDrawn pixelLineWidth 0"><v:f eqn="sum @0 1 0"><v:f eqn="sum 0 0 @1"><v:f eqn="prod @2 1 2"><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelWidth"><v:f eqn="prod @3 21600 pixelHeight"><v:f eqn="sum @0 0 1"><v:f eqn="prod @6 1 2"><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelWidth"><v:f eqn="sum @8 21600 0"><v:f eqn="prod @7 21600 pixelHeight"><v:f eqn="sum @10 21600 0"><v:path connecttype="rect" gradientshapeok="t" extrusionok="f"><o:lock aspectratio="t" ext="edit"><v:imagedata href="http://c1.ac-images.myspacecdn.com/images01/28/s_6744333d04ea7b0f164fcf41680fb7fc.jpg" src="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5Cgheather%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_image001.jpg"></v:imagedata></o:lock></v:path></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:f></v:stroke>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-60952842008854640732009-01-13T19:38:00.000-08:002009-01-14T05:30:13.688-08:00Snow: Fantastic Fun Flakes or Dangerous Weapons of Meteorological Destruction?<meta equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 11"><link style="font-family: arial;" rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CGary%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><o:smarttagtype style="font-family: arial;" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="City"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype style="font-family: arial;" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" name="place"></o:smarttagtype><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:worddocument> <w:view>Normal</w:View> <w:zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:punctuationkerning/> <w:validateagainstschemas/> <w:saveifxmlinvalid>false</w:SaveIfXMLInvalid> <w:ignoremixedcontent>false</w:IgnoreMixedContent> <w:alwaysshowplaceholdertext>false</w:AlwaysShowPlaceholderText> <w:compatibility> <w:breakwrappedtables/> <w:snaptogridincell/> <w:wraptextwithpunct/> <w:useasianbreakrules/> <w:dontgrowautofit/> </w:Compatibility> <w:browserlevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:latentstyles deflockedstate="false" latentstylecount="156"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if !mso]><object classid="clsid:38481807-CA0E-42D2-BF39-B33AF135CC4D" id="ieooui"></object> <style> st1\:*{behavior:url(#ieooui) } </style> <![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-ansi-language:#0400; mso-fareast-language:#0400; mso-bidi-language:#0400;} </style> <![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family:arial;">
<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" face="arial">Hey there, late 20’s to early 30’s hipster!<span style=""> </span>Remember your youth?<span style=""> </span>Angry <st1:city st="on"><st1:place st="on">Gary</st1:place></st1:city> remembers his.<span style=""> </span>Lil’ Angry running around with snow pants on, frolicking in the snow, tobogganing at the local slope, snowball fights in the school yard.<span style=""> </span>Remember that?</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial;">
<br /><span style=""></span></p><o:p></o:p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial;">WELL FUCK THOSE MEMORIES. THOSE MEMORIES ARE DEAD AND SO ARE YOU IF YOU GO OUTSIDE DURING THE PERIOD BETWEEN NOVEMBER AND APRIL.</p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial;">
<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial;">Allow me to elaborate.</p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: arial;"><o:p>
<br /></o:p></p> <p style="font-family: arial;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal">There are quite a few wars going on right now in the world (actually approximately 30 or so), but the local media wants us to believe that none have as much importance and terror as the one piling up in brown slushy piles outside our doors.<span style=""> </span>That’s right, I’m talking about THE WAR ON WINTER.<span style=""> </span>When in the flying fuck did certain “news” outlets become such alarm inducing crank factories??<span style=""> </span>The pictures their articles paint certainly do NOT represent the reality of what it is actually like to live in a country that is next to the FUCKING ARCTIC CIRCLE.<span style="">
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<br /><span style=""></span></p><p style="font-family: arial;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal"><span style=""></span>It’s snow people, and it gets cold.<span style=""> </span>It’s always been cold.<span style=""> </span>This isn’t some new development here!<span style=""> </span>Want to frolic in the snow?<span style=""> </span>Prepare to get a snow plow straight up your ass.<span style=""> </span>Want to toboggan?<span style=""> </span>TOO DANGEROUS.<span style=""> </span>Friendly snowball fight with your neighborhood policeman?<span style=""> </span>TASER TO THE BALLS.<span style="">
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<br /><span style=""></span></p><p style="font-family: arial;font-family:arial;" class="MsoNormal">Seriously, I’m getting sick and tired and angry at people huddled in a corner somewhere afraid to go outside because the temperature drops below -10.<span style=""> </span>Here’s a tip, wear some fucking gloves!<span style=""> </span>Don’t believe the headlines that “The worst of the weather terror is yet to come”, or that “snowfall will make your commute a nightmare”.<span style=""> </span>Judge Judy flogging me with a large cucumber is Angry Gary’s nightmare, not some fucking WATER PARTICLES THAT HAVE FROZEN AND ARE FALLING TO THE GROUND IN A MAGICAL FASHION.<span style=""> </span>GAHHH!!!!!!!111!</p> Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-13895108183765841642008-11-25T11:47:00.000-08:002008-11-25T14:55:26.419-08:00Angry Gary Goes to the Movies<span style=";font-family:Tahoma;font-size:100%;" ><span class="Apple-style-span">So you would think that travelling to a movie theatre only 2 km away from your home, to see a children’s movie at night, on a Monday, would NOT illicit any amount of Anger. But I suppose that saying Angry Gary doesn’t get angry is like saying Stinky Pete don’t need a shower!</span></span><div><p class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Tahoma;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitEf2woQJst29_48atInODYppVFKydkmnls7FvPaHY2c-4KsGFlw5L3MW2sm1Z9EzPgjLgKcxI58SwBGLEyKRD_OWfsGBoMvTpDMvTcdeO-v6ip24A8sVMkhXY1TbdLqQEuHZelnxRlI0/s1600-h/WDCC-STINKY-PETE-I.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 314px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitEf2woQJst29_48atInODYppVFKydkmnls7FvPaHY2c-4KsGFlw5L3MW2sm1Z9EzPgjLgKcxI58SwBGLEyKRD_OWfsGBoMvTpDMvTcdeO-v6ip24A8sVMkhXY1TbdLqQEuHZelnxRlI0/s320/WDCC-STINKY-PETE-I.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5272686781360425442" border="0" /></a><div style="text-align: center;">"Please Bathe Me!"</div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family:Tahoma;"><div style="text-align: left;"><div style="text-align: center;"><div style="text-align: left;"><span style=";font-family:Tahoma;font-size:12;" ><span style="font-size:100%;">It was raining, so we decided to take the car there, which is parked underground beneath our building.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Now, this should be easy, walk to the car, get in and go, right?</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">No.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">I pass by this person’s parking spot and the simmering begins.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">FOUR YEARS ago this person dropped a red can of paint on the ground right next to the driver’s side of their car.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">Fine, it’s their spot, but a smattering of paint and the paint lid are STILL there after all this time.</span><span style="font-size:100%;"> </span><span style="font-size:100%;">They refuse to pick up the damn paint lid!<br /><br /></span><span style=""> </span></span><div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ9h-txHI5qMd_08kjruaFSItTzkKrkwjsi_EnI1c19s7H_Bipguy7YVE3qsMGEpzfnQoSoEOQ_KMcQtQBgbSWSBX7nfENlqJb5MH3pmzuS3nWzuxwpHdtXif7oaYFrbW93LlcVpjYmnA/s1600-h/SSPX0040.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhJ9h-txHI5qMd_08kjruaFSItTzkKrkwjsi_EnI1c19s7H_Bipguy7YVE3qsMGEpzfnQoSoEOQ_KMcQtQBgbSWSBX7nfENlqJb5MH3pmzuS3nWzuxwpHdtXif7oaYFrbW93LlcVpjYmnA/s320/SSPX0040.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5272731286316800898" border="0" /></a><span style="font-size:85%;">"Why?"</span><br /></div></div><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /></span></div><span style=";font-family:Tahoma;font-size:100%;" >I want to get up at 4 in the morning, head down there with a lighter and a screwdriver.<span style=""> </span>Pry up the lid from the ground and use the lighter to heat up the bottom of the lid.<span style=""> </span>Just as the paint on the other side begins to warm up, I want to slam it down on the driver’s side window, pressing it against it, then just leave my hand there for like 2 minutes, so it becomes fully adhered to the window.<span style=""> </span>Then maybe they’ll notice the fucking BRIGHTLY COLOURED GARBAGE they’ve been so callous to ignore every time they step out of their fucking car!</span><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-size:100%;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style=";font-family:Tahoma;font-size:100%;" >So we make it to the theatre and things are looking up,<span style=""> </span>and by up I mean the price of the fucking movie for two people was 31 fucking dollars!<span style=""> </span>What the shit is that?<span style=""> </span>On a Monday night?!?<span style=""> </span>It’s ok, we head upstairs, craving the dinner we had yet to eat, only to be met by HORDES of salivating yuppies getting their weekly New York Fries/KFC fix.<span style=""> </span>Long lines pushed through, we finally get our food (a steal at $30 total!) and settle in to a relatively empty theatre.<span style=""> </span>Now here’s the thing about empty theatres/busses/streecars/doctors offices, why in the flying fuck is it that when there are many seats someone always has to come in and sit as close as possible to you?<span style=""> </span>Hey, fuckface!<span style=""> </span>Do you see the other seats around you?<span style=""> </span>It’s a fucking 500 seat cinema, do you really have to plop your fucking ass DIRECTLY behind us??<span style=""> </span>That’s what this big fat guy did, sat right behind us.<span style=""> </span>I don’t know if you’ve ever sat in front of a 350 lbs. man before, but let’s just say they usually haven’t mastered the art of breathing in a quiet fashion.<span style=""> </span>As in it sounds like bigfoot just fucked a dinosaur and is basking in the afterglow while panting heavily.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOogUkTNfw2Gpyu8uZlZiYUYN1kXfxLsEOITJWSF-4mExyLb8GjIlf6XHBj9lJTsiIyh26qTXyLSzMRV8f7pFYAWzuDF9Kn1n9m24OYT85CZjuj9a7Qr77-XbcZYmWsfqg1zYvAStnyIE/s1600-h/bigfoot01_001.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 206px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOogUkTNfw2Gpyu8uZlZiYUYN1kXfxLsEOITJWSF-4mExyLb8GjIlf6XHBj9lJTsiIyh26qTXyLSzMRV8f7pFYAWzuDF9Kn1n9m24OYT85CZjuj9a7Qr77-XbcZYmWsfqg1zYvAStnyIE/s320/bigfoot01_001.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5272687505374020594" border="0" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;">Porno Mag for Dinosaurs</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style=";font-family:Tahoma;font-size:100%;" >And THEN, the snoring started.<span style=""> </span>You come to a children’s movie, by yourself, and you fall asleep?<span style=""> </span>Granted, the fitness required to stay awake for 90 FUCKING MINUTES probably escapes your average behemoth, but come on!!<span style=""> </span>And this shit was LOUD too.<span style=""> </span>Remember the time you fell asleep next to a set of train tracks?<span style=""> </span>Yeah, like that. Also, lay off on the booze, poindexter.</span><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size:100%;">So why is the cinema business dying? High ticket prices? High Concession Prices? So much Italian Dressing stink that you GET high? No, friends, it's because it's a dying business model. Like commodore 64 programmers and paperback encyclopedias, it's on the outs. Enjoy it while it lasts, I sure as fuck didn't.</span></div></span></p></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-19380802154617624692008-10-30T08:44:00.000-07:002008-10-30T08:50:48.079-07:00Angry Gary's Angry Movie Review - Saw 5<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWAPghzng7yhK2JLHo-NgZNkpuK9aFyIYKB3JiITO5G3vZEZNo6z-XmzX5QMFSBv5abAfWrM5q7uoH8tXGu3MJxI2RNLChYZ1TFMdcXWFd6wxJuDslsfTdaX1xSIDFqDzUGtVSLoG2hlA/s1600-h/clip_image002.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 200px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWAPghzng7yhK2JLHo-NgZNkpuK9aFyIYKB3JiITO5G3vZEZNo6z-XmzX5QMFSBv5abAfWrM5q7uoH8tXGu3MJxI2RNLChYZ1TFMdcXWFd6wxJuDslsfTdaX1xSIDFqDzUGtVSLoG2hlA/s400/clip_image002.jpg" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5262973851596515586" /></a><br /><br /><br />Ah, the Saw universe, a world so fucking bewilderingly complex and well crafted that it took FIVE movies to fully cultivate the clever chronicle of a simple man and his killy-toys. I’m not proud to say I’ve seen all of these “films” by the same “writers” that penned the engrossing horror epics Feast and Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds. Is that NOT a fucking porn? Cause the porn name of that would be pretty easy to parody. (ie. No changes needed.) To appreciate just how good a fifth movie in a series can be, other famous “Quintilogies” in Hollywood history include Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach and Puppet master 5: The Final Chapter (after which they made 4 fucking more).<br /><br />Do not see this movie. I took an early and painful tumble through its plot holes and somehow ended up in a different theatre altogether at one point. When the usher asked me for my ticket to THAT film, I looked around in disbelief and uttered “Saw 5?”, and he immediately understood and helped me back to the correct cinema. A note to the filmmakers: a large sudden piercing violin every 3 fucking minutes is not an acceptable substitute for acting skills! Finally, with an editing style so choppy that it made the Bourne Identity look like motherfucking GONE WITH THE WIND by comparison, at the end of it all I was so angry that the butter on the floor around me started to bubble from the rage I emanated. In other words, it totally cheesed. 2 Angry thumbs down! <span style="font-style:italic;">Saw 5 opens in wide release Friday.<br /></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-52309207779880536902008-09-17T17:22:00.001-07:002008-09-17T18:08:36.277-07:00Transformers - FAILI’m not usually one to purchase small toys from candy machines (anymore), but one particular dispenser caught my eye today at the local bowlerama. “A Transformers Keychain!?” I exclaimed, as I deposited my 2 dollars and received the little plastic ball. I was hoping for Optimus, but no luck - it was just Bumblebee. Oh well, that’s not so bad, because I figured that having this on my keychain would initiate conversations like:<br /><br />Tim - “Hey dude, is that a transformer?”<br />Gary - “Yes, Tim, yes it is. In keychain form. Want to see it transform?”<br />Tim – “Do I?!? Hellz yes!”<br />Gary – “Ok, here goes (cue transformer noise wakwakwakwawkwakwak.)"<br />Tim – “I just came.”<br /><br />And maybe this one with the ladies:<br /><br />Ladies – “Nice keychain big boy”<br />Gary – “Thanks, but its not just a key chain, it’s a transforming keychain, watch this (cue transformer noise)"<br />Ladies – “Ooh Gary, make me pregnant.”<br /><br />BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE was I disappointed with what came out of the fucking plastic ball:<br /><br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCEMTIbN9W5pPdGOLiBs7PeUNhuJsDUGoh9OyVvwAguSIe5KnrZ5GS-VKaLXDgYbrH7Id7oMSydyZv-vHmw_RCOK2nM8GV6BhjZ_bPGqiDx495HoSKA0QXJ2FGuwMDGpzCnE7L6WvsG3w/s1600-h/single_toy.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCEMTIbN9W5pPdGOLiBs7PeUNhuJsDUGoh9OyVvwAguSIe5KnrZ5GS-VKaLXDgYbrH7Id7oMSydyZv-vHmw_RCOK2nM8GV6BhjZ_bPGqiDx495HoSKA0QXJ2FGuwMDGpzCnE7L6WvsG3w/s320/single_toy.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247150334085214482" /></a><br /><br />What the SHIT IS THAT?!?!?!? Maybe you can’t tell, but it’s all rubber and one piece. Compare that fucking picture to one of the actual bumblebee:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLH4mYvglSkTnqWe7wbM5ZVl55E13PsaNjD6_n2SlSUM8wW3TmEtDbJaJiGYi0eV_FkpI-UY4OfHy7VotMhmsXK7buJEIXYZIdsBv1BuFZvn3xC3hjFyfxzSxJGFZCUufV9j2h672ziKY/s1600-h/bumblebee_real.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgLH4mYvglSkTnqWe7wbM5ZVl55E13PsaNjD6_n2SlSUM8wW3TmEtDbJaJiGYi0eV_FkpI-UY4OfHy7VotMhmsXK7buJEIXYZIdsBv1BuFZvn3xC3hjFyfxzSxJGFZCUufV9j2h672ziKY/s320/bumblebee_real.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247150756269815026" /></a><br /><br />Right, ok, it’s a keychain, they’ve taken some liberties in the complexities of the mechanics for the sake of it not poking some idiot kid in the eye. Maybe. Then I find out how it transforms. IT DOESN’T FUCKING TRANSFORM. So what does it do you ask? I am not fucking lying to you when I say that IT CRAPS OUT A CAR. Really. For real. This isn’t me being funny. IT DUMPS OUT A CAR OUT OF ITS FUCKING RUBBERY ASS. Like This:<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT17DihFcma5hzdOeQCiMib60x5Or-HQUzUu4A7R8-hD3geQNMydBT8g-tjlDR7mjZJRSpAGAJkSgYZqXp0gc0SFFKZDRe4XNzguKLbDAZ-swagjHVg-ZdTq6A7XaDhnjkrDABNpHFPNk/s1600-h/step12.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjT17DihFcma5hzdOeQCiMib60x5Or-HQUzUu4A7R8-hD3geQNMydBT8g-tjlDR7mjZJRSpAGAJkSgYZqXp0gc0SFFKZDRe4XNzguKLbDAZ-swagjHVg-ZdTq6A7XaDhnjkrDABNpHFPNk/s400/step12.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247153813434136850" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcNnhwim1d14JQDA-CewJoNJXVpe6RwOi-8a94O_NzOwow6Jb16JbaOJ6DkJFDbCy4ftjcZUN6r4yXLOOt-X8bjOjsORkM0pQAT7CLcWHql0xyHnQbKQx2SGy0Ausi5Xq1St4MrrZpUxA/s1600-h/step34.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcNnhwim1d14JQDA-CewJoNJXVpe6RwOi-8a94O_NzOwow6Jb16JbaOJ6DkJFDbCy4ftjcZUN6r4yXLOOt-X8bjOjsORkM0pQAT7CLcWHql0xyHnQbKQx2SGy0Ausi5Xq1St4MrrZpUxA/s400/step34.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247153886872033858" /></a><br /><br />It’s a separate fucking entity! And even then it remains attached to the main body part, like some sort of metal umbilical cord!! AND you actually have to the squeeze the damn thing to get it out! SQUEEZE IT?!?! Where in the history of the transformers did one transformer shit out another transformer and fight the decepticons? Tell me. Tell me now!<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJXllajBiIyzfBXgu8-eleaXTCI598Pq789xvbOiwiT4ttqc7-_DbNINKddThViwB6itWFtq9G0htz-64HIp_WQwotUAcz-S9w7a-ceLW3X-ysXgRd8g0-WrIVeYHe6eT1nz3L6GUAAa0/s1600-h/transformers9.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJXllajBiIyzfBXgu8-eleaXTCI598Pq789xvbOiwiT4ttqc7-_DbNINKddThViwB6itWFtq9G0htz-64HIp_WQwotUAcz-S9w7a-ceLW3X-ysXgRd8g0-WrIVeYHe6eT1nz3L6GUAAa0/s400/transformers9.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5247156490212425618" /></a><br /><br />TRANSFORMERS FAILUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-9469059090415425662008-07-18T06:45:00.000-07:002008-07-18T07:24:37.927-07:00Damn Hippies!Alternate blog title:<br />"I Brake For Hippies! (once I've already driven on top of them)"<br /><br />So I was in the drug store yesterday acquiring various miscellanies when I get in line behind two people with only a few items each. I thought to myself - <br /><br />“Wow, only two people, I should get out of here fairly quickly! This is certainly a situation where my anger won’t be stirred to boiling point at all! Super.”<br /><br />That thought quickly gave way to the reality unfolding before my angry eyes. A damn hippie was at the cashier, she had a small child of about 6 years old and an infant strapped to her chest in what I could only guess was a sack made of re-purposed hemp. Her unkempt appearance and stringy attire did not immediately catch my attention, until the following conversation unfolded:<br /><br />Dirty Hippie Mother – (holds up pampers diapers box) “Do you have a brand of diapers called ‘Tree Huggies’? [I don't remember the actual brand she requested] It’s an organic brand, and it’s much better for the environment than these Pampers, do you carry that brand?”<br /><br />Minimum Wage Cashier – “uhh, I don’t know…uhh…one sec let me call someone about that” (dials extension). Can you come up here at help a customer, Rico?" (hangs up and attempts to ring through the pampers)<br /><br />DHM – “Oh no, don’t ring it through yet, I want to see if you have this other brand. It’s organic, and much better for the environment”<br /><br />MWC – “Oh, ok, I’ll ask the stock guy when he gets here.”<br /><br />Cut to anger beginning to boil over in Angry Gary. Cut to even more people waiting in the only line open. Cut to the hippie being unware of this because she's daydreaming about a world of flowers.<br /><br />The stock guy finally arrives and has no fucking clue as to what this hippie is talking about. She then proceeds to hesitate for what seems like an eternity whether or not to buy the diapers for her hemp sack baby. Then she starts to say how they really should carry this specific brand, and that it’ll sell really well. I start to seeth, a little bit more than earlier.<br /><br />DHM – “Yeah, ok, I guess if I have to take these I will”<br /><br />The cashier proceeds to place her items in a few plastic bags and gives them to her. She takes the bags, walks ONE step to her right, and pulls out ANOTHER hemp burlap sack. She then proceeds to have her child help her remove all items (bulky ones at that) from the plastic bags and place them in the hemp bag. Here’s a fucking tip, Ms. Cheech, why in fuck’s fuck did you NOT ask the cashier to do this in the first place??!<br /><br />I get up to the front, I had my two cases of pop with me. The cashier looks at me and asks me if I want those in bags.<br /><br />Angry Gary – “Yeah, bag that shit up, in fact double bag it, the MORE bags the better!”<br /><br />She gave me a snide hippie look with those dirty unkempt eyes and I thought she was going to say something. Maybe it was the red in my face, or my lips silently and slowly mouthing the words “fuck you” to her, but she bit her tounge. (which she probably enjoyed because it's organic). By the time I was out of there, she was still trying to organize all of her stuff into the ONE hemp bag she brought with her. I’m sure in the end she had to stick her box of organic granola next to her hippie baby. Poor children. It’s not their fault.<br /><br />FUCKING HIPPIES!!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-90512421644920913892008-07-18T06:09:00.000-07:002008-07-18T06:22:14.877-07:00Holy good movie, Batman!Gary aint angry today, friends, cause Gary got three hours sleep cause he was out watching the new Batman movie at the midnight showing. What follows is my review.<br /><br />Go see this movie. One scene alone pushed it over the top for me. Joker, in the car as it moves down the street, sticking his head out of the window, mouth open. It'll make sense when you see it, but the way it's shot, the context, the sound/music choice for the scene, it'll make you realize you're seeing something more. Something more than the garbage that is your usual summer blockbuster. Is it as good as Heat or the Usual Suspects? Easily. But it acheieves greatness using a different path. Yes, you will see things you've never seen laid to film. You will see characters portrayed in ways you've only ever wished for, but like little timmy at his birthday party only ended up with tube socks. No more tube socks for you Timmy, this is a fucking three-story high killing robot from the future that you can use to demolish your school and impress your friends. Happy birthday Timmy, happy fucking birthday.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-82205200410168932007-12-18T12:16:00.000-08:002007-12-20T12:17:04.699-08:00The Tale of the Black CoatThe proverbial pot is beginning to boil over, dear friends, and Angry Gary can’t keep the lid on it anymore!! GAHHHHH!!!!! <br /><br />Today, my target is:<br /><br />People that wear black winter coats.<br /><br />For the record, no, I am not trying to seek out the largest demographic of people to alienate with my hateful rant, but it’s really starting to bother me how many people I see wearing the exact same black coat EVERYWHERE. I get onto my elevator, and it’s 6 guys in identical black winter coats. Oh, you’re so styling, oh, you’re so fucking unique you darkly-clad lemming! And then, why don’t we travel back in time to Stalin’s Russia since we’ll fit right in with everybody back there who walked around with identical coats on. I get it, the colour black (if you can call it a colour) goes with everything. I understand. But seek some variety in your styles people! If you only see the world in black(coat) and white(snow), then I guess that makes sense, but there are other options of black to choose from!<br /><br />(Scene from a mall the other day)<br />“Uh, I’d like a ¾ length black coat with 4 3cm buttons up the front, please.”<br />“Um, yeah, you tripped over 7 of those just walking into the store, sir.”<br /><br />It’s like walking into a Roots store and doing this:<br /><br />“Uh, I’d like an article of clothing with the word Roots on it. Do you have that?”<br />Clerk punches that person in the face for being a fuckhead.<br /><br /><br />Brought to you by the coalition supporting grey pea coats.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-78290307454385297212007-11-28T12:18:00.000-08:002007-12-20T12:19:03.707-08:00Rock Band Review!The following is my unbiased and totally honest review of Rock Band. For those of you that don’t know what Rock Band is, it’s basically guitar hero, but with drums and a mic added to the guitar/bass concept. For those of you that don’t know that game, please go fuck yourself.<br /><br />That being said, THE GAMEPLAY consists of you starting a band, creating your character (you can change the sex/hair/body type/name/band name). You can have up to four players with you in the band of course, and then you pick your starting home city (London/Amsterdam/North American cities, etc) and you’re on your way. My name was Sir Guitar Rammer, but it wouldn’t fit on the screen, so I changed it to Dr. Stabs-a-Lot. The career is actually pretty involved, certainly moreso than guitar hero, you play local gigs, then buy a van so you can travel to other cities and so forth. It’s pretty fucking fun! GAMEPLAY – 9/10<br /><br />THE SONGS in Rock Band are 10 times better than the guitar hero series. There are so many more songs we’ve actually listened to before, like garbage, yeah yeah yeahs, radiohead, nirvana, the clash and too many more. The song list is the best yet of these types of games, and there’s more coming out every week that you can download. I want the song “psycho killer” by the Talking Heads. SONG LIST – 9/10<br /><br />THE GUITAR looks pretty cool, like a real fender from the 90’s, complete with effects switch and the wire coming out of the front of the body at an angle, just like a real friggin strat. It has the regular 5 buttons, but it also has the 5 buttons duplicated towards the body of the guitar, so you can solo up there if you’d like, since it will make girls swoon. And if you’re already a girl, you’ll swoon at yourself. But then you strap it on and start playing. And it all goes downhill from there. This guitar blows more than a windmill in Chicago. It sucks as well! Blows AND sucks, and that’s quite a feat. The buttons are unresponsive, the strummer doesn’t click, which I thought I could get used to, and thought would be better (aka, less noisy), the whammy bar feels likes its attached with twisty ties - it just all around doesn’t play well. I was missing notes that I KNOW I was hitting because the buttons started to stick a little bit. Quick fix – I went back to my guitar hero 3 guitar (which, unlike this rock band one, is wireless), and all was well. All your old GH guitars will work with this game, so no worries. GUITAR – 3/10<br /><br />THE MIC was heavy, and sturdy feeling, and it was just that – a microphone. You sang into it and it translated your wailing into digital signals on screen, you know how those things work. Your pitch is measured (and judged) based on the song and the words scroll across as expected. Also, during parts where there aren’t a lot of vocals, it turns into a tambourine. Yes, like a fucking transformer. The only thing strange is that it’s a little stubby looking, but that’s more of an aesthetic preference. MIC – 9/10<br /><br />THE DRUMS. Ooh boy. I set this thing up, sat down and it felt GOOD. Like I was back behind the skins again. OK, so I have been playing drums/percussion for 15 years now, and I would consider myself a professional. So I was a cocky punk, and picked the song “won’t get fooled again” by the Who. You know, the opening song to CSI: Miami. I also picked it on hard level. I figured hey, yeah, I can do this, piece of cake, go fuck yourself “The Who”. So the song starts, and let’s just say that the game bit my ass off, cooked it in a casserole and served it back to me. I fucking failed after 30 seconds! It really is nothing like playing drums. I mean sure, rhythm is integral, but after playing guitar hero for SO long, and being used to strumming notes on a guitar when seeing them come towards you on screen, it’s totally different playing the drum pads. Also, syncing the foot pedal was weird at first. So I tried “Maps” and got through it just fine, and after a couple songs I was used to the set, went back to The Who and kicked its ass – PAYBACK FUCK-HEADS!. A little bit of a learning curve on this one, but a very responsive set-up. DRUMS – 9/10<br /><br />OVERALL SCORE – 9/10 (because I have a different guitar) Thanks for reading!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-64159164447645832192007-06-08T12:17:00.000-07:002007-12-20T12:17:52.466-08:00Summer-TV Review!Ok, so I don’t really know a lot of people that watch TV, but here is my angry run-down of the pathetic fodder spread out for the masses to consume like the salivating dogs they are/I am.<br /><br />SHOW: On The Lot<br /><br />PREMISE: Film directors competing by making short films every week. At the end they get a job working in movies! Just like Jorge who cleans the set after Hasselhoff has vomited on it.<br /><br />REVIEW: Moderately palatable. There are some people with actual talent here, but to leave their fate in the hands of people that greenlight movies like Norbit as well as the people that go to the theatre to see movies like Norbit is just unfortunate. Here, America, vote for the person you think is the most creative. Oh, what? You’re voting for the “Hot Guy”? Or the redneck that made a movie about making of fun of developmentally disabled people? Grade: 7 pretentious soul patches out of 10.<br /><br /><br />SHOW: America’s got Talent<br /><br />PREMISE: America has no fucking talent, just a bunch of people swarming around the spotlight like gnats, then cry when they get shooed away by other wannabes.<br /><br />REVIEW: The greatest thing about the show is the fact that these judges make fun of children. Seriously, they tell these 9 year olds they suck ass and should give up their dreams. It’s great, brutally honest, and often painful to watch. Grade: I give it 7 future years of therapy out of 10.<br /><br /><br />SHOW: Canadian Idol<br /><br />PREMISE: Let’s idolize a fucking singer. <br /><br />REVIEW: Yeah, then lets all forget about them a month later. Can someone name a past Canadian idol? Ok, maybe you can, nerdly, but can you also tell me where they are NOW serving drinks? Yeah, Canada, jump on board the nationalism and lets all bond – FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES. Grade: 3 washed up has-beens out of 10.<br /><br /><br />SHOW: Canada’s next top model<br /><br />PREMISE: Promoting eating disorders.<br /><br />REVIEW: Canada has models? Or top models? Last time I checked any model worth her fucking ribs sticking out of her chest has moved from Canada to NYC or Europe. If you’re wanting to be a model and you’re stuck in Canada, you’re not a fucking model. You’re working the beer tent at the Indy 500. Grade: 2 finely sliced pieces of celery out of 10. And then they throw the celery up.<br /><br /><br />SHOW: American inventor<br /><br />PREMISE: 1 person invents something that saves babies. 24 people invent a fucking beer hat.<br /><br />REVIEW: This show is fucking hilarious! I have a hardy laugh when people pour their money and hearts into inventing a shoe with a FUCKING CLOCK attached to it. You sold your house and your dog and your wife, and all you have to show for it is a ticking sneaker. That’s sad, and fucking funny as hell! Grade: 8 broken down homes out of 10.<br /><br /><br />SHOW: Hell’s Kitchen<br /><br />PREMISE: Angry Scotsman swears at Americans, makes fat men openly weep.<br /><br />REVIEW: Again, it’s a winning formula here. British person tells off Americans. Plus I think there’s food involved in this one. Some type of cooking competition. Best line: “This food tastes Balls-awful!” Grade: 7 fucking swear words out of fucking 10.<br /><br />Phew, that’s it. In summary, two shows with the word “Canada” in the title and two shows with the word “America” in the title. And one about movies. Bleak viewing indeed. I see why I know people that don’t even own a TV. Stay tuned for Angry Gary's review of the "Summer Crapfest of Cinema"!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-48642729753906213892007-03-05T11:24:00.000-08:002007-12-20T11:27:15.496-08:00Bazooka-powered snowflakes attack!Let me preface this tirade by saying that I work in media. I hold no general ill-will towards media in general, and my criticism of one faction of this large organization does not imply that I feel this way about any other aspects of it. Except for the fucking movie conglomerates. See a different blog.<br /><br />That being said, I fucking hate those fear-selling alarmists that work for news outlets. For starters, I know it's worse in the U.S. than it is in Canada. I was watching a news broadcast from Seattle the other day, a live local newscast, and it may as well have been called the "Car Crash Hour with Jim Brewster and Katie Miller". Seriously, just reports of car crash after car crash. It nearly filled the entire news program. A fucking hour!<br /><br />But I don't live in the U.S., and for now my attack will stay within the borders of my own country. Specifically directed at our local news outlets. Recently, we had a bout of cold weather, nothing terribly unusual for a country that's CONNECTED TO THE FUCKING ARCTIC. But no, the MAIN headlines (not the headlines on the weather page) of the website of a major broadcaster contained lines such as:<br /><br />"It's here – a storm that is more terrifying than the movie poltergeist"<br /><br />"weapons of mass weather system explodes over Toronto"<br /><br />"Bullet-sized snow blankets city in terror"<br /><br />And among my favorites:<br />"Murderous storm that killed in the U.S. will be here tomorrow to continue its rampage"<br /><br />Those are actual quotes from various online and supposedly "respectable" news outlets. Even when the weather lifted and some warmth was on the horizon, the news story just changed to – "Don't get used to the warmer weather, the deadly cold will be back by the end of the week". Seriously. And it worked too. At work, people were freaking out to get home early. I was getting calls from friends and loved ones to come home immediately, as they feared for my safety. Thunder rolled in and several people in my office looked up to the ceiling and quivered. So their scare-tactics worked.<br /> <br />Of course, to anybody with any sense, this type of thing isnt a new or unusual idea. It's just sad that more people don't realize whats going on. That they buy into the fear. Fear sells, and they're moving it quicker than a black market Ipod at a Moroccan street vendor's stall. And I say, don't spend any rupees on it, just keep walking. <br /> <br />(Are there rupees in Morocco?)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-10914632038158624252007-02-23T11:24:00.000-08:002007-12-20T11:24:47.641-08:00Happy New Year - Time For Anger!Another Title: "I'll Park Right On Top Of The Mayor!"<br /><br />Look upon him for he hath awoken and with his rise brings much hate and anger, and thou should not fear his words, but heed them to the extreme.<br /><br />It is 2007, so let me welcome you to this glorious year of the Pig! I chose to celebrate the Chinese New Year this year, so happy New Year! Ha ha, no I didn't, I've just been busy with work, so this is my first blog of 2007.<br /><br />But what is bothering me these days? Hmmm. So many things. So many little things, and I think that's what it's all about. The little things that get you down, that make you swear, that make me shake my fist out my car window at all the jerks that are allowed to have licenses.<br /><br />One strike I say! One strike and you're out! (of a drivers license). You cut someone off? License cut up! You drive to slow? Cut! You don't signal? Cut! Be forced to take the horrible transit service we have in this city! With our THREE subway lines and our sketchy smelly buses. You'll make more room on the road for me and my new auto, and you'll make me less angry in the process. It's win-win! (for me.) I don't LIKE that I'm polluting the environment with my gas guzzler, but around here I really see no other option. Give me a viable transit solution, you fat cats at city hall! Make our transit system better than one typically found in Scandanavia!<br /><br />They are proposing a new law similar to the one they have in London, UK, where you have to pay a fee for entering the downtown core with your car. Not really a big deal for me, since I live here, but I do venture out into the suburbs now and again. The price for the privilege of returning to MY FUCKING HOME? $20. Every trip. And if you don't pay the SAME day the price goes up to like $60. Then if you don't pay the next day, it goes up to $240. What the flying fuck is that? This wont help anything except to line the coffers of our already coffer-lined city.<br /><br />Maybe I should get a seg-way...Segway all over the mayor!!<br /><br /><br /><br />Ultimate Master Top 5 2007 Prediction Hate List<br /><br />5. Britney Spears – First the tattoo, then shaving your head, and ducking out of your much-needed rehab three times. Prediction: Britney is serving me my lunch at Denny's in 4 months, struggling to make ends meet, while K-Fed enjoys moderate success.<br /><br />4. Fall-out Boy & similar bands – I'm not being an old coot when I say that your music is garbage and anybody that listens to it has no musical taste. Prediction: You'll have a "falling out" with your fans when they wake up and realize that you're all just what Swing music was in the late nineties - a terrible fad.<br /><br />3. American Idol – just terrible, I really only watch for the obviously set-up auditions, so I'm done with it now, but the crop this year is a healthy mix of gas-station attendants and soup testers. Meaning they need to stick with their day job. Prediction: It's the #1 show on TV in the U.S., which is very telling about the U.S. Therefore, enjoy your many seasons to come, American Idol!<br /><br />2. Deal or No Deal The Videogame – How do you take a game that requires no skill and is really just a bunch of random number picking and make it into a videogame? Be really popular in the U.S., that's how. Once again showing their truly refined taste for television, this game interpretation of the show is just that, and can be played cheaper with a hat and some numbers written on pieces of paper. Prediction: Producers say to Howie Mandel: "No Deal."<br /><br />1. James Blunt in 2007 – I think my blogs have finally gotten through to you, since you've been under the radar lately. I heard you popped your head out of your hole and didn't see your shadow, meaning six more months without James Blunt. Sounds good. Prediction: OB-FUCKING-SCURITY!<br /><br />FINUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-70301813691516818542006-12-25T11:24:00.000-08:002007-12-20T11:24:22.377-08:002007 should be better...Ok, yeah, it's christmas, I get it. But that doesnt excuse you all from my ranting! I was actually considering retiring from blog writing, at least in the ranty-sense, since I don't like being perceived as someone who is just angry all the time. Like 90 minutes of Lewis Black on stage - it starts to feel more like a shtick than anything else. And things have been going great for me lately, I don't really get angry like I used to. EXCEPT SOMETIMES I DO!! <br /><br />I watched a very popular television program tonight, one that I have never seen, but only judged harshly from afar. This program is called Deal or No Deal, and yes you've probably heard of it, or are maybe even a fan of it. Well, allow me to opine! How does a show that requires absolutely NO skill give away so much money? And don't come back at me and say "oh, it requires skill, at the end, where the person has to decide whether to accept the money or not!" That isnt skill, dingus! I found myself cheering for the person to win one penny! That would be so cool, and also a burn! This whole show is just an elaborate version of a game I made up when I was 7 called "Guess the Number". No, I didnt have slutty girls, and no I didnt have a huge production budget. And no, at that point Howie Mandel was at the peak of his career as the voice of "Gizmo" in the movie Gremlins, so he wasn't available. After you choose the case, really, you're just guessing. It's all luck! One of those drinking birds could play this game. I'd cheer for birdy. I would want him to win the million dollars. Merry Xmas.<br /><br />Top 5 blog of hate - END OF 2006 EDITION!<br /><br />5. Rosie Odonnel. (nobody cares about your damn opinions, you racist donut! Here's hoping 2007 finds you banned from television!)<br /><br />4. Christina Ricci. (How are you going to be in that awful looking sam jackson movie? Where you're chained up? Just terrible! Here's hoping 2007 finds you picking better movies!)<br /><br />3. Tyra Banks. (The world will be a better place when you go crazy and take a religious sabatical in remote indonesia, no more panty parties! Here's hoping 2007 finds you living in a mud-slide ridden shanty-town!)<br /><br />2. House of Carters (wow, terrible, my life has been wasted watching one episode of this show. Here's an idea for a reality show, take my dirty socks and put them in a mansion. Guaranteed ratings hit! Here's hoping 2007 finds you and the Backstreet Boys reaching the top of the charts once again!)<br /><br />1. James Blunt in 2006 (you were voted #1 most irritating artist of 2006! yay! I agree completely with that award, except for the part about you being an "artist". Oh well, here's hoping 2007 delivers you the piping hot slice of obscurity you deserve. Watch out for me if I have a knife and agenda!)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-54032321680611598572006-12-10T11:23:00.000-08:002007-12-20T11:23:47.216-08:00It's a two-fer of Hate!I..m seeing double! A double Blog of Hate!<br /><br />Ok, usually I wait a few weeks to write a damn blog, until the anger builds up too much that I need an outlet to vent. But not tonight, dear reader. This blog is about fucking people that stare at other peoples business. That's right, you heard me right.<br /><br />It could be somewhere simple, like the bank, or somewhere else, like on the street that you're driving on, but I need to vent this or its going to build up and make my head explode if I don't let you all know what it is that bothers me alot. Yes, it is people that stare at other people and their business.<br /><br />Why do people need to pry on other peoples business? Their conversations? Their personal issues? Is it possibly because their lives are so butt-fuck boring that any sort of conversation overheard by them of strangers at least provides some sort of primal amusement that watching fourteen episodes of "my sweet sixteen" just can't offer? I was in the bank today, and there was a lineup of 10 people. With two tellers. So somebody walks up to the manager and starts talking to her about something to do with banking, so she wouldn..t have to wait in line to find out that same info. And like 5 people turn and just stare and glare and listen to the conversation, to find out what she's talking about, because their lives are obviously so fucking lame that they need SOME sort of external issues to process in their pee-brains in order to feel stimulated. Maybe these people don't have lives. maybe they don't have cable. i don't know, I really don't. But how about you just let these people deal with their own fucking problems. how about you don't bud your big-ass nose into other peoples business? <br /><br />The same applies for those rubber-necking-slowing-me-down fuckheads on the highway that slow down to look at accidents in the oncoming lanes. I know - this is a common complaint, but it falls under the same category. I am so sick of this shit. I really want to ram my car into the back of them, giving them whiplash that they would feel for life for being such asses. Rubber neck? Then it shouldn..t hurt when I run my car into yours for slowing down because someone is STALLED on the side of the damn highway. Go home and fucking watch SPEED or something, if you'd really like a "tragedy" fix.<br /><br />Get a life - all of those people that find some sort of pleasure in peering into the business of others. You need one, you fucking wank bags. FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm so angry.<br /><br />But I'm calm now. ahh..<br /><br />Except I..m not! Because this has just turned into a two-fer combo blog of hate. Here..s my theory. We never landed on the moon. Ever. It was all a hoax. Forget what you think about conspiracy theories and all that crap, here are the facts. We apparently landed on the moon at the end of the 1960..s. Now NASA is saying that it..ll take 20 years to get back to landing on the moon again. 20 years. FROM NOW. 50 YEARS after landing on the moon. We have better technology. More money. We should be able to do it again. Why don..t we? Oh wait, its because with today..s information exchange the government couldn..t pull of a hoax of that magnitude. If I met Neil Armstrong, I would punch him in the face. And kick neil Armstrong in the junk. Merry Christmas.<br /><br />Top 5 dealy<br /><br />5 .. jerks with wireless headsets for their cellphones. (fuck you!)<br /><br />4 .. jerks with big SUV's (way to over-compensate for your lack of a penis. Fuck you)<br /><br />3 .. jerks with hot girlfriends above their league. (way to fool her into that, jerk!)<br /><br />2 .. jerks that realize that women like jerks (way to exploit that, jerks!)<br /><br />1 .. jerks that names start with J and end with ..ames blunt... (My company is up and running now, and our objectives are painfully clear. Your days are numbered fuckwad.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-2950661801104529152006-11-26T11:22:00.000-08:002007-12-20T11:23:10.708-08:00Theatre employee average age - 11.Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby – and have ourselves a snack! That's right dear reader, yours truly decided to switch off the television and head out to our grand 16-theatre multiplex to soak in the 20 x 20' screen and 7-dimensional sound that is the modern day "movie-going" experience. Plus, I had two free passes!<br /> <br />We get there and since it is the early afternoon, there aren't too many people. That's good, as I always say, since the worst part about going out in public is..well…the people. Just a few hungover nightclubbers and a several screaming kids populated this 5 story mega-theatre-opolis, but luckily we weren't going to see a kids movie (Happy Feet), but instead a decidedly anti-kid movie (Borat). The idiocy starts when we get our movie tickets. The attendant screws up our ticket order! I suppose "Borat" and "Bobby" are similar-sounding, in that they both start with the letter "B" and have two syllables, but still. Close brush with seeing a political charged film aside, we proceed up the five story escalator to get some food. Should be simple, right? Wrong, some pimply-faced ass-hat behind the counter finds my order of ONE item too confusing, and proceeds to screw it up, slothing enough gravy on my poutine to feed the entire nation of Kazahkstan.<br /> <br />"Ok, the movie hasn't started yet, Gary, stop seething, lets just go into the theatre", I tremble to myself.<br /> <br />We enter the half empty theatre, find an empty row (with empty rows above and below us) and plop ourselves down in the center to enjoy the fine art-house film they are about to unspool. Right before the movie starts though, two other wank-bats decide to sit down directly behind us. Ok, that's ok, not so bad, it's better than kicking kids. I was wrong.<br /> <br />As the movie begins, one of them begins laughing at EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING he sees on the screen, everything from the fact that the villagers of Borat's hometown in Kazakstan have moustaches to the fact that there is rubble everywhere. Perhaps my comedic sensibilities are overly refined, but I do not see a reason to fucking scream like a whale being choked at every fucking thing in the movie that could ever be remotely funny to anybody. Hey, buddy, have you ever heard of comedy before? Have you just regained your hearing after a life of being deaf and are currently experiencing every single funny entendre and allusion for the first time? Possibly. That is what I think.<br /> <br />I hate movie-going. Fuck you movie conglomerates for perpetrating that we need to subject ourselves to $14 popcorn and $7 pepsi, as if the more I spend will somehow enhance the fact that your theaters stink like Italian dressing and the floors are sticker than a butter factory that was then converted into a bathhouse. Movie rating - A-. Movie Going Experience Rating - A for "abysmal"<br /> <br />Top 5 Hate list – November 2006 edition<br /> <br />5. Michael Richards. (On a fame level of 1-10, before last weeks rant you were at about a 2, and that's being generous. Now, you're like negative 17. Plus you look really old now. Put down the pitchfork dude, and the crack rock!)<br /> <br />4. Lucas Rossi. (I know you read my blog you jackass, and you suck so many different balls at once I don't know whether to enter you in the annual meatball eating contest or set you up with my friend Antoine. You're like an animal that they test makeup on, except they have more personality.)<br /> <br />3. The War on Christmas. (ok, I'm not religious, but I really am getting pissed about them changing it to a "holiday party" and a "holiday tree". What the fuck is that? Everyone knows Christmas isn't about religion. It's about Santa and a loving family huddled around a warm Playstation 3. Grow a pair, world!)<br /> <br />2. David Fucking Blaine. (How about this for an endurance stunt? We launch you into space without a spacesuit, and you see how long you can hold your breath. Work your magic, floating man, work your "magic"!)<br /> <br />1. James Blunt. (You are a sappy little bitch with whiny lyrics and vocal chords that sound like they've been pinched by pliers. But I've said that before. Your very aura and soul make me question whether there is a kind higher power, or whether Satan is actually in charge. But I've said that before as well. So I started my own company, and you can find the info in the "company" section of my page. Through our hard work and dedication, we will eradicate the scourge that is your existence and achieve our goal of a blunt-free society. Onwards, anti-blunt soldiers, onwards!!!)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-35468913228291776142006-10-25T11:21:00.000-07:002007-12-20T11:22:41.226-08:00Graduation! (AKA: School is a Fraud)So I had the day off today to attend my graduation. Yes, dear reader, yours truly has donned the mortarboard hat and the silken gown and walked down the aisle to receive the lambskin parchment that is apparently the truest representation of achievement in this crazy world.<br /> <br />Haha, fuck that! There was no hat, the gown smelled like a mixture between sweat and Italian dressing from the previous ceremony that morning, and all we got was a piece of paper. We all get in line, and when we got on stage they gave us this piece of paper with nothing on it so we would stick around for the whole ceremony. There were 1500 people graduating, in alphabetical order. I guess they did it so that Zoltan Zumeni would have somewhat of an audience as the 2 hour ceremony wound to a close. They didn't open the room that held the REAL diplomas until the whole thing was over. People left anyway, lining up outside this room, ready to bust in, grab their paper and bust out. Or at least that's what I was ready to do. But no, of course it didn't go so smoothly. We had to fill out an "alumni card", where you had to put your name/address/phone number/where you work. Now I knew about this before hand and filled in Alex's phone number. Plus I put my address as 123 Fake St. Those bastards are never going to hunt me down for some contribution in the future. <br /> <br />Schools are all big frauds because of this. They have you pay inordinate amounts of money while you go there, then expect for you to stick out your teet for them to suckle off of for the rest of your life. Plan on being successful? Don't let them know, or they'll send their goons after you, because legally there are allowed to hold you upside down and shake you and keep whatever falls out of your pockets. I'm glad school is over!<br /> <br />FUCK YOU ZOLTAN!<br /> <br /> <br /> <br />Top 5 Ultimate "Its been a hatin month!" Hate List<br /> <br />5. P-Diddy – (Dude, you're a total fraud. People probably look at you and say, what do you do again? And then you say "I remind people about Biggie", and then they say "oh yeah.")<br /> <br />4. Madonna – (She's a child thief! Get her! She's easy to spot with her fake-ass British accent!)<br /> <br />3. Guy from My Chemical Romance – (The kid from Children of the Corn grew up and is now spewing screamo instead of terror in a small town)<br /> <br />2. Fab-oh-loose (because that's how you spell your name. It's like calling yourself "mailman" but spelling it "quailman". Stop perpetuating poor spellin!)<br /> <br />1. James Blunt (lets see, what's in the news about this guy…lets see…Someone referred to his song as the next winner in the playschool "My First Song" contest. Yeah, I like that, that sounds right. Please die.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-55865926179753250682006-10-03T11:21:00.000-07:002007-12-20T11:21:49.740-08:00I hate Ma Bell so muchYou know what grates my canary today? Bell Canada. Luckily, for me, its been about 4 years since I extricated myself from the vice that is the monopolistic conglomerate. When we moved out of our old place, we had our phone service changed to Telus, since it came pre-installed in our brand new building. But the other day I was thinking about how I use to be clusterfucked by Ma Bell and it got me thinking – there are still so many people out there getting cluster-balled! Get away from it! You have alternatives!<br /> <br />Bell Canada used to charge us $85/month total for our phone service. Why? I called them one day, and this is what they said.<br /> <br />Gary – "Why am I paying $85 for my phone service?"<br /> <br />CSR – "Let me see here, you have basic service, call waiting, caller ID, there's a 911 service charge, and there's also a $15 fuck you fee"<br /> <br />Gary – "Fuck you fee? What does this fee entail?"<br /> <br />CSR – "Well, sir, this is the fee that we charge all of our valued clients because we can get away with it, since there are no other home phone options"<br /> <br />Gary – "Well thank you for your explanation"<br /> <br />CSR – "Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"<br /> <br />Gary – "Yes, lick this." (proceeds to rub reciever on crotch)<br /> <br />It was on that day that I proceeded to seek out an alternative. And I found it in Telus. They charge us $25 a month for everything, and they're friendly as hell. That's why I moved out and bought a condo, just for the phone service. When I finally cancelled my Bell account, I snail-mailed them a letter saying that "if I did not have a choice in the future, and Bell Canada became the only provider available to me, I would drive to the grocery store, purchase two large soup cans, empty them on the ground, attach a string between them, and proceed to enjoy a more reliable and inexpensive service than I could ever have with your company. Thank you" FUCK YOU, BELL!<br /> <br /> <br />Gary's Super Duper Top 5 Hate List Volume 97<br /> <br />5) Ana Nicole Smith – (Your son dies, but proceed with getting married the following week? You digust me. It's TrimSpa baby!)<br /> <br />4) John Mayer – (You were on CSI, continuing the long tradition of great artists appearing on hit shows – like goo goo dolls on 90210. I was hoping you would play the part of the corpse, or the part of someone that got shot in the groin amidst "mysterious" circumstances)<br /> <br />3) Green Day & U2 – (I have an idea, how about nuts and gum? Or maybe rice and motor oil? Or even cell phones and sharks? What? Those don't together. You're 100% correct. Fucking Green Day.)<br /> <br />2) Jet – (You insulted The Strokes? Because Julian said that Jet makes him not want to make music? Oh, poor baby, did he hurt your feelings? Here's a tip, how about you write a song that doesn't sound like either The Beatles or Iggy Pop? How about that? What's your excuse? Do they not have these bands in Australia? And just by coincidence you sound exactly like these bands? Oh, that makes sense, you fucking descendents of convicts.)<br /> <br />1) Funeral songs – (James blunt song "goodbye my lover" is the most requested song at funerals now, and just when thought funerals couldn't get any more depressing. I hate you so much, James Blunt, my fire of hate burns deep within me!!)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-23665144956098580542006-09-03T11:20:00.000-07:002007-12-20T11:21:19.216-08:00I Hate my MTV!You know really what grinds my gears this week? The fucking MTV VMAs. Now, youre probably sitting there in your fancy, leather-bound chair, smoking from your old-timey pipe and saying Hey, Gary! If you dont like the VMAs, why dont you just change the channel? And to that I say my remote ran out of batteries again, jerk! Also, shut up.<br /><br /><br />First of all, lets chat about thin celebrities. Oh god! Is Bulemia the new thing in Hollywood? Keira Knightly used to look like a chick, then I turned around to get a beer, then I returned, and all of a sudden she looks like shes escaped from a high-school science class! Are we supposed to subscribe to this theory? Are young girls and possibly guys looking at this, then looking at their own pud, then striving for that body image? Or how about Nicole Richie, and how if she hosted a Save the African Children commercial, I wouldnt be able to tell her apart from those starving children - what with her fake-ass tan and her hey, check out my rib-bone cocky attitude. Fuck that. Refer to my previous blog about the fashion industry for a continuing rant about this whole debacle.<br /><br /><br />Secondly, whats with the crappy music? I have nothing against hip-hop and its perpetuation of bling and other bling-related stereotypes, but give me a break! How stupid are people to believe that they can or will ever actually achieve this level of wealth? Pretty stupid it seems, since I see homeless people on the street wearing sean john t-shirts. Youre asking me for a dollar? Fucking sell that shirt and youll eat for a damn month! And there was like two rock acts! And those rock acts sucked large! The only redeeming quality of music during the whole night was The Raconteurs, and even they were relegated to playing during the commercials! They would get cut off after 15 seconds of music, and we would return from the break to hear the last 10 seconds of whatever song they were playing!! Whats that all about? That was the best band thats ever been on the VMAs ever! And dont get me started on The Killers. If that guy took off his eye makeup, hed look like the Unabomber. A Mormon Unabomber. I hate that guy so much, he really does suck when he sings live. Its like that Simpsons episode where Bart and friends form a boy-band. But they have this machine that makes them sound like real singers. Except the guy from the Killers always forgets to turn on the machine when they perform live. I HATE MY MTV!!!<br /><br /><br />Plus, MTV Canada sucks all different parts of ass, its like the worst channel in the history of the universe. Heres a tip get some people with some fucking talent on your show. Yeah, Im really interested in hearing what these people have to say about the current American-produced fluff they have on air. They act like its a little silly and all that, and that the people on the show currently on are airheads. Hows that for irony shoved right up your ass? Youre fucking making fun of the show that YOUR CHANNEL is airing!! Its your channel! YOU ARE ALL CULPABLE!!!!<br /><br /><br /><br />Ultimate Top 5 Hate List 59th Edition<br /><br /><br />5. Lucas from Rockstar Supernova. (I heard you were already chosen. If you took off YOUR eye makeup, youd look like the guy that cleans the lint out of dryers at your local Laundromat.)<br /><br /><br />4. P-Diddy. (Hes discovered myspace, and hes posted a video of him urinating and proclaiming it the greatest thing since sex. Stay tuned for my next blog/expose: P-Diddy has never had sex ever.)<br /><br /><br />3. Tom Cruise (This whack-job apologized to brooke shields for calling her loco. I say, she shouldve refused his apology, hung him by his legs over a cliff, and told him that he shouldnt worry if she dropped him, for his scientology spaceship would swoop in at the last moment and save his sorry ass.)<br /><br /><br />2. Geri Halliwell. (You child was abused? Really? Ooh thats not a good thing, for any child. Oh wait, what? You didnt leave her with a family member? Oh, you left her with a member of your staff Yeah, heres a tip, HOW ABOUT YOU BE AN COMPETENT MOTHER and dont leave your fucking child with some idiot employee!)<br /><br /><br /><br />1. MTV Video Awards. (You gave James Blunt two awards? Well fuck, why dont you just walk out to the street, pick up a piece of dog shit and give it two awards? Or how about you climb the side of a building, slide your finger along one of the exterior window sills, then give the car exhaust your finger picks up two awards? Because Id be more accepting of either of those scenarios.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-28653588167874502482006-08-15T11:20:00.000-07:002007-12-20T11:20:44.235-08:00Wedding Hilarity!Summer is drawing to its close, leaves are falling off the trees. Students are contemplating their futures. So what season is it? FUCKING WEDDING SEASON. Seriously, there are 57 weddings in August and September that I'm invited to. Mostly by people I don't really know that well. But no matter, I went to a delightful ceremony/reception combo on Sunday this past. My sister and I decided to go, it was our family, who have always been nice to us, and we knew we would have a good time. So my sister calls me up 3 hours before we're supposed to leave and the conversation goes like this:<br /><br />Liz - "You know this is a dry wedding, right?"<br /><br />Gary - "Is this fucking North Dakota?"<br /><br />Liz - "I'll pick you up some wine."<br /><br />I didnt even know there were such things as dry weddings. I thought it was an old wives tale, like polio or legitimate chiropracters. So in any case, she supplied the wine, I supplied the empty water bottle for the wine. Oh and she brought a flask of Jack for herself. We go, attend the ceremony, it was beautiful. Then afterwards, before the reception, we head back to the car to stock up. I fill my 500ml water bottle from a 750ml white wine bottle. it looked like urine. She took a picture of me drinking it in the backseat. I tried to drink more from the bottle before going in, and I did as much as I could. So I hide the water bottle, her flask, the camera, my glasses case, my keys, and my phone in the various pockets of my suit. We head in casually, and nobody paid notice that I looked like I was shoplifting from walmart. We sit down, everything is cool and we enjoy the night away at our table, laughing and drinking. We get to talking to some of the other people at our table, who are complaining about it being a dry wedding. So I proclaim "BAM!" and pull out the flask in front of everyone (8 people) at the table. They're cool with it, and a couple of people pass their half-glass of coke around for a topper. Everyone's having a good time now. THEN it gets interesting!<br /><br />My sister and I finish our booze, and then I get the bright idea that we should pretend like its wedding crashers. She agrees to be Owen Wilson, and I'm Vince Vaughn, and we saunter upstairs. Oh, I forgot to mention there's three other weddings going on at this place, on different floors, and the one we happened upon first had an open bar. So we walk up casually, order two glasses of wine and start making fake chit-chat about the wedding. We walk over to where the wedding is, and we see people are eating, so we can't just walk in and stand around. The fucking bartender comes up to us (he's on to us!) and asks us if we need help finding our seat. By the seat of my pants I come up with some convoluted story about how "my mother doesnt approve of me drinking, and I'm just trying to avoid her tonight." he seems to buy this story and walks away. But my sister gets a bad feeling, so with wine glass in hand, we bolt back downstairs to OUR wedding. But because they arent serving alcohol there, we cant just walk back in, so we're at the bottom of the stairs, hanging out and drinking our wine as fast as we can. I get the brilliant idea to pour the wine into the now empty flask, but my attempt is futile and i spill some of it on a radiator. We get nervous, down the rest of the wine, and walk casually back in to the wedding. BY CASUALLY I MEAN DRUNK. So we're there, and this same fucking bartender comes downstairs to find us!! He starts grinning at me, so I just go up to him and shake his hand and smile and say "hey man, its cool, you know how it is", and again he seems placated by this. Then i go up to the bar (our bar that was serving no booze) and ask for an empty rock glass with some ice. THAT bartender (a different bartender) asks me what I'm going to use it for, and asks me if I'm going to try to go back upstairs again. I just look at him funny and say I'm using the glass for the water that's now warm because its been sitting on our table all night. He seems to buy this, so i go back and pour the rest of the flask wine into the glass, which has now turned into a disgusting mixture of Jack Daniels and White Wine. Gross, but drinkable. Then I don't remember what happened. i didnt drive home. But I got home somehow. THE END. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE KIDS!<br /><br /><br />Gary's Super Duper "where the fuck am I?" Lazy Top 5 hate list<br /><br /><br />5. Rockstar "Supernova" - Dudes, you're all fucking dinosaurs, your music wont be played anywhere except on MTV, since conglomerates like to cluster fuck one another. Enjoy your descent into mediocrity.<br /><br />4. Britney Spears - You're a tool. That video that's going around shows you for what you are - that you put on a normal sounding accent when you talk to the press to cover up the fact that you got kicked out of your trailer park for being too trashy. <br /><br />3. TV Fall lineup - Here's a tip, how about a show about a wise-ass lawyer with a busty female assistant? or how about another show that has a story arc that people wont be able to find out if the show gets cancelled after 5 weeks? Oh wait, you are making those shows. KUDOS, you fucks.<br /><br />2. Hell's Kitchen - Gordon Ramsey, you're so banging that losing contestant. If she won, it wouldve been brought to light. So you made her lose, so you could keep her on the side. At least you swear alot, that I fucking respect.<br /><br />1. Fred Flinstone - You were the first user/inventor of the "Rock Gun" (litteraly a gun that shoots rocks at people). Now james "i want my privacy" blunt has bought one of these guns to use against "obsessive fans" crowding outside his new home in Ibiza. Seriously, that isnt a joke. Next he's going to buy a car that is powered with his foot and a pet cat that's actually a big-ass tiger. Then I hope the tiger eats his face.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-4098273504988469702006-07-26T11:19:00.000-07:002007-12-20T11:20:03.688-08:00America Has No Taste!Im calling you out, America. You have no taste. You wouldn't know taste if you munched down on a sour ball that I set on fire! Case in point: Americas Got Talent. Yes, I know, I shouldnt be wasting my evenings watching what is now the #1 show in America, but since I work in the field I must see what all the fuss is about. Ha ha, fuck that I just watch it for the magicians girls.<br /><br />For those who dont know, a primer: Its a show about finding talented people. They can do anything they want - juggle, sing, magic, rapping granny (seriously shes in the running to win). And theres three judges like every single other fucking talent show out there. David hasselhoff (wheres KITT?), Brandy (the washed up singer) and this British guy named Piers Morgan. (more on him in a moment).<br /><br />So Im watching this show and have officially come to the conclusion that Americans are EASILY impressed. A guy juggled, and the crowd started fucking salivating and cheering everywhere. Either this entire audience is hitting the heavy narcotics or the footage of the audience cheering is from some other performance from a different show entirely. And leading the charge are the most fucking groveling judges Brandy and Hasselhoff. Its like theyve never seen anybody perform anything in their lives ever before, as they cheer everybody that goes up on stage! Its all the boot licking that really grates my canary. As for the third judge, it seems like a prerequisite for any talent competition is to have a British judge that can be critical and honest but still be portrayed as the bad guy and be constantly booed by the audience of slack jawed yokels. He must be getting paid a hefty sum to have to put up with that crap. Its not like hes being rude, but everyone gets offended when he tells a 12 year old girl that she needs to work on her singing. Shes fucking 12! She handled the criticism well, but everyone in the audience goes right up his ass, telling him to go back to England!<br /><br />Hey! Look at me, America! I can sever my thumb! Give me the million dollars, jerks!<br /><br /><br /><br /> <br /><br />Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 147th Edition<br /><br /> <br />5. MySpace - What am I paying for? For you to have a power outage? Fuck that, heres a tip, how about you have separate back-up sites like any other large company in the world!<br /> <br />4. Movie Theatres - Walking into a movie theatre, you gotta love putting down 12 bucks when the rank, foul, and acrid smell of 250 sweaty idiots that has permanently embedded itself into the seating enters your nostrils. Love it!<br /> <br />3. Lance Bass - You didnt reveal your homosexuality because you didnt want to ruin the image of NSync? Yeah, I didnt have a clue, that music sounded so straight.<br /> <br />2. Justin Timberlake - Yeah, now that you work at fucking Dennys and youre a nobody you better come out with a good new story about yourself to get everyones attention. Oh wait, you did drugs? What the fuck kind of story is that? A celebrity doing drugs? Thats such an oxymoron. Now replace "oxy" with "you" and "moron" with "fuckbag"<br /> <br />1. Weird Al Yankovic - Youre a fucking idiot for buckling under the pressure of james blunt when he ordered you not to release your parody of his song, titled youre pitiful. You've parodied like 1000 songs, and nobody ever complained about it in the past, let alone forced you to not release it. Fuck james blunt, who the shit does he think he is? Words cannot express how angry he makes me.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-50366663876145392362006-07-16T11:19:00.000-07:002007-12-20T11:19:21.288-08:00Where did your shirt go?So it's been fairly hot as of late here in Canadas largest and therefore most important city. Today it's supposed to go up to 35 degrees without the humidex. Meaning that with the humidex it will probably go up to 57. And with the heat brings the hate and I have a complaint about one thing in particular. DUDES WITHOUT SHIRTS. Seriously man, put a fucking shirt on. I don't care if its so hot you can fry some grits on the sidewalk, just put a damn shirt on! I don't want to be first hand witness to your jungly fuckin back hair, OR your rotund man-boobs, or even your big fucking beer belly bouncing around and hitting me in the face even though I'm across the road from you. <br /><br />Go to Wal-mart, spend 3 dollars and get a 100% cotton shirt, and wear the fucking thing. I really don't care how hot it is; just put a damn shirt on! Yesterday I saw the fattest man on earth driving around without a shirt. He had his hands behind his head relaxing because he was steering the car with his fucking belly! What's up with that shit?<br /><br />If you are going to pass out from the heat if you don't take your shirt off, here's a tip - move somewhere cold. Or drink some damn water. Do anything but subject me to the eye-blinding sight of your nasty-ass torso waddling down the road towards me. I don't need that, shit! It's too hot for that shit! I have no A/C in my car, and I'm sweating like a fat party animal too! But I will never take my shirt off, except at acceptable places, like the beach or the pool. That's it! <br /><br />PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIRTS ON!<br /><br />Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 59th Edition<br /><br /> <br />5. Owen Wilson. (I supposed I should be impressed that someone whos been hit in the nose with a truck can have a successful career on camera, but I'm not.)<br /> <br />4. The Wayans Brothers. (Way to fucking discover the special effect of masking like 15 years after it was invented. Whats next? A fucking movie about a guy that can fly around like superman? Fuck you both.)<br /> <br />3. Mr. T. (You shed your gold chains after witnessing the destruction of Katrina. Yeah, maybe if you pass enough of those around, youll help the people that lost their fucking houses by letting them wear your chains.)<br /> <br />2. Harry Potter. (Daniel Radcliffe, youre like 37 now, so I find it hard to believe youre still in some damn school for warlocks and shit. Luke Perry from 90210 couldnt get away with it, and neither can you.)<br /> <br />1. Spanish Mountains. (James "undeserved" Blunt has just bought a mountain in Spain so he can live there to get away from all the hassles of fame. Fucking good, except you shouldve done that years ago, so the earth wouldn't have been infected with your hollow, meaningless dribble that you spew like a baby without his baby bib. Bye bye, fuckbag, and never come back.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6146816936021762886.post-40229071838284068892006-07-08T11:18:00.000-07:002007-12-20T11:18:53.582-08:00Mean-Ass StreetsThere are three types of people on the mean, cold streets of Toronto. <br /> <br />1. Drivers. <br />2. Cyclists. <br />3. Pedestrians.<br /> <br />I have been all three at some point, and I have an individual rant for each, so listen up ball-wads, Im talking to you!<br /> <br />Drivers. I hate drivers. I think that the worse drivers on the road are the ones that have been on for 30 or so years, and have developed horrific habits. These are the people that brake suddenly for no reason and dont signal. Or dont have a fucking concept of distance and then pull out in front of you from a side road as Im driving merrily along, trying not to get angry. They are the ones that turn after the green arrow has long disappeared. I saw someone do this and just get t-boned by an oncoming car that wouldnt for a moment think that someone would be CROSSING THEIR FUCKING PATH WITHOUT LOOKING. I wish I had a paintball gun mounted to my car, under the bottom out of sight, I could blast away all day at drivers that irritated me. Take that!<br /> <br />Cyclists. I hate city cyclists. They drive everywhere, on the road, on the sidewalk, on walkways, up stairs, even inside elevators! Generally speaking, they dont really follow the rules of the road, and I dont mean to sound like some fucking square saying that, but seriously, if youre going to drive on the road, shouldnt you have to stop at red lights? Not go the wrong way down a one way street? Do you think youre exempt from these laws? Fuck, it just burns my canolli to see cyclists weaving in and out of traffic, then crying foul when they get cut off by an unsuspecting motorist. Makes me want to shove a stick in their tires!<br /> <br />Pedestrians. I hate pedestrians. Quit walking on the damn street! I dont drive on the sidewalk! Would you like me to drive on the sidewalk with my eyes closed? Then why must you walk on the road not paying attention to cars around you. I am not going to hit you if I see you, obviously, but if I slow down and then someone behind me pulls out to pass me they will fucking hit your ass quicker than a pimp on a non-profitable Sunday! Good lord! And please for the love of everything, if you dont have the signal to cross the street, dont fucking cross the street! You cant all be doctors rushing to save the life of a dying patient, an extra 30 seconds on your journey isnt going to kill you.<br /> <br />So to sum it up, I hate everybody on the streets. Get me my damn helicopter.<br /> <br />Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 37th Edition<br /><br /> <br />5. Will from Big Brother: (Hey moron, use some of those plastic surgery skills on yourself. Also, eat a cheeseburger.)<br /> <br />4. Michael Jackson. (You will never be safe from lawsuits no matter where you run off and hide to. And you want to open another Neverland? Come on dude, get a haircut.)<br /> <br />3. Ann Coulter. (You are the 2nd most evil creature in the universe. When you have left this earth we will be one big step closer to not being in the stone-age.)<br /> <br />2. Tori Spelling. (Youre in a show playing yourself? Yeah, maybe people will be interested in your again. Also, maybe Swing music will become popular again)<br /> <br />1. Petra Nemcova. (How do you make a good looking woman look hideous? Put her next to her new boyfriend Mr. James no-dick Blunt. Dont worry, shes ok with just cuddling you fucking twat.)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0