So I had the day off today to attend my graduation. Yes, dear reader, yours truly has donned the mortarboard hat and the silken gown and walked down the aisle to receive the lambskin parchment that is apparently the truest representation of achievement in this crazy world.
Haha, fuck that! There was no hat, the gown smelled like a mixture between sweat and Italian dressing from the previous ceremony that morning, and all we got was a piece of paper. We all get in line, and when we got on stage they gave us this piece of paper with nothing on it so we would stick around for the whole ceremony. There were 1500 people graduating, in alphabetical order. I guess they did it so that Zoltan Zumeni would have somewhat of an audience as the 2 hour ceremony wound to a close. They didn't open the room that held the REAL diplomas until the whole thing was over. People left anyway, lining up outside this room, ready to bust in, grab their paper and bust out. Or at least that's what I was ready to do. But no, of course it didn't go so smoothly. We had to fill out an "alumni card", where you had to put your name/address/phone number/where you work. Now I knew about this before hand and filled in Alex's phone number. Plus I put my address as 123 Fake St. Those bastards are never going to hunt me down for some contribution in the future.
Schools are all big frauds because of this. They have you pay inordinate amounts of money while you go there, then expect for you to stick out your teet for them to suckle off of for the rest of your life. Plan on being successful? Don't let them know, or they'll send their goons after you, because legally there are allowed to hold you upside down and shake you and keep whatever falls out of your pockets. I'm glad school is over!
FUCK YOU ZOLTAN!
Top 5 Ultimate "Its been a hatin month!" Hate List
5. P-Diddy – (Dude, you're a total fraud. People probably look at you and say, what do you do again? And then you say "I remind people about Biggie", and then they say "oh yeah.")
4. Madonna – (She's a child thief! Get her! She's easy to spot with her fake-ass British accent!)
3. Guy from My Chemical Romance – (The kid from Children of the Corn grew up and is now spewing screamo instead of terror in a small town)
2. Fab-oh-loose (because that's how you spell your name. It's like calling yourself "mailman" but spelling it "quailman". Stop perpetuating poor spellin!)
1. James Blunt (lets see, what's in the news about this guy…lets see…Someone referred to his song as the next winner in the playschool "My First Song" contest. Yeah, I like that, that sounds right. Please die.)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
I hate Ma Bell so much
You know what grates my canary today? Bell Canada. Luckily, for me, its been about 4 years since I extricated myself from the vice that is the monopolistic conglomerate. When we moved out of our old place, we had our phone service changed to Telus, since it came pre-installed in our brand new building. But the other day I was thinking about how I use to be clusterfucked by Ma Bell and it got me thinking – there are still so many people out there getting cluster-balled! Get away from it! You have alternatives!
Bell Canada used to charge us $85/month total for our phone service. Why? I called them one day, and this is what they said.
Gary – "Why am I paying $85 for my phone service?"
CSR – "Let me see here, you have basic service, call waiting, caller ID, there's a 911 service charge, and there's also a $15 fuck you fee"
Gary – "Fuck you fee? What does this fee entail?"
CSR – "Well, sir, this is the fee that we charge all of our valued clients because we can get away with it, since there are no other home phone options"
Gary – "Well thank you for your explanation"
CSR – "Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"
Gary – "Yes, lick this." (proceeds to rub reciever on crotch)
It was on that day that I proceeded to seek out an alternative. And I found it in Telus. They charge us $25 a month for everything, and they're friendly as hell. That's why I moved out and bought a condo, just for the phone service. When I finally cancelled my Bell account, I snail-mailed them a letter saying that "if I did not have a choice in the future, and Bell Canada became the only provider available to me, I would drive to the grocery store, purchase two large soup cans, empty them on the ground, attach a string between them, and proceed to enjoy a more reliable and inexpensive service than I could ever have with your company. Thank you" FUCK YOU, BELL!
Gary's Super Duper Top 5 Hate List Volume 97
5) Ana Nicole Smith – (Your son dies, but proceed with getting married the following week? You digust me. It's TrimSpa baby!)
4) John Mayer – (You were on CSI, continuing the long tradition of great artists appearing on hit shows – like goo goo dolls on 90210. I was hoping you would play the part of the corpse, or the part of someone that got shot in the groin amidst "mysterious" circumstances)
3) Green Day & U2 – (I have an idea, how about nuts and gum? Or maybe rice and motor oil? Or even cell phones and sharks? What? Those don't together. You're 100% correct. Fucking Green Day.)
2) Jet – (You insulted The Strokes? Because Julian said that Jet makes him not want to make music? Oh, poor baby, did he hurt your feelings? Here's a tip, how about you write a song that doesn't sound like either The Beatles or Iggy Pop? How about that? What's your excuse? Do they not have these bands in Australia? And just by coincidence you sound exactly like these bands? Oh, that makes sense, you fucking descendents of convicts.)
1) Funeral songs – (James blunt song "goodbye my lover" is the most requested song at funerals now, and just when thought funerals couldn't get any more depressing. I hate you so much, James Blunt, my fire of hate burns deep within me!!)
Bell Canada used to charge us $85/month total for our phone service. Why? I called them one day, and this is what they said.
Gary – "Why am I paying $85 for my phone service?"
CSR – "Let me see here, you have basic service, call waiting, caller ID, there's a 911 service charge, and there's also a $15 fuck you fee"
Gary – "Fuck you fee? What does this fee entail?"
CSR – "Well, sir, this is the fee that we charge all of our valued clients because we can get away with it, since there are no other home phone options"
Gary – "Well thank you for your explanation"
CSR – "Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"
Gary – "Yes, lick this." (proceeds to rub reciever on crotch)
It was on that day that I proceeded to seek out an alternative. And I found it in Telus. They charge us $25 a month for everything, and they're friendly as hell. That's why I moved out and bought a condo, just for the phone service. When I finally cancelled my Bell account, I snail-mailed them a letter saying that "if I did not have a choice in the future, and Bell Canada became the only provider available to me, I would drive to the grocery store, purchase two large soup cans, empty them on the ground, attach a string between them, and proceed to enjoy a more reliable and inexpensive service than I could ever have with your company. Thank you" FUCK YOU, BELL!
Gary's Super Duper Top 5 Hate List Volume 97
5) Ana Nicole Smith – (Your son dies, but proceed with getting married the following week? You digust me. It's TrimSpa baby!)
4) John Mayer – (You were on CSI, continuing the long tradition of great artists appearing on hit shows – like goo goo dolls on 90210. I was hoping you would play the part of the corpse, or the part of someone that got shot in the groin amidst "mysterious" circumstances)
3) Green Day & U2 – (I have an idea, how about nuts and gum? Or maybe rice and motor oil? Or even cell phones and sharks? What? Those don't together. You're 100% correct. Fucking Green Day.)
2) Jet – (You insulted The Strokes? Because Julian said that Jet makes him not want to make music? Oh, poor baby, did he hurt your feelings? Here's a tip, how about you write a song that doesn't sound like either The Beatles or Iggy Pop? How about that? What's your excuse? Do they not have these bands in Australia? And just by coincidence you sound exactly like these bands? Oh, that makes sense, you fucking descendents of convicts.)
1) Funeral songs – (James blunt song "goodbye my lover" is the most requested song at funerals now, and just when thought funerals couldn't get any more depressing. I hate you so much, James Blunt, my fire of hate burns deep within me!!)
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