Ok, so I don’t really know a lot of people that watch TV, but here is my angry run-down of the pathetic fodder spread out for the masses to consume like the salivating dogs they are/I am.
SHOW: On The Lot
PREMISE: Film directors competing by making short films every week. At the end they get a job working in movies! Just like Jorge who cleans the set after Hasselhoff has vomited on it.
REVIEW: Moderately palatable. There are some people with actual talent here, but to leave their fate in the hands of people that greenlight movies like Norbit as well as the people that go to the theatre to see movies like Norbit is just unfortunate. Here, America, vote for the person you think is the most creative. Oh, what? You’re voting for the “Hot Guy”? Or the redneck that made a movie about making of fun of developmentally disabled people? Grade: 7 pretentious soul patches out of 10.
SHOW: America’s got Talent
PREMISE: America has no fucking talent, just a bunch of people swarming around the spotlight like gnats, then cry when they get shooed away by other wannabes.
REVIEW: The greatest thing about the show is the fact that these judges make fun of children. Seriously, they tell these 9 year olds they suck ass and should give up their dreams. It’s great, brutally honest, and often painful to watch. Grade: I give it 7 future years of therapy out of 10.
SHOW: Canadian Idol
PREMISE: Let’s idolize a fucking singer.
REVIEW: Yeah, then lets all forget about them a month later. Can someone name a past Canadian idol? Ok, maybe you can, nerdly, but can you also tell me where they are NOW serving drinks? Yeah, Canada, jump on board the nationalism and lets all bond – FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES. Grade: 3 washed up has-beens out of 10.
SHOW: Canada’s next top model
PREMISE: Promoting eating disorders.
REVIEW: Canada has models? Or top models? Last time I checked any model worth her fucking ribs sticking out of her chest has moved from Canada to NYC or Europe. If you’re wanting to be a model and you’re stuck in Canada, you’re not a fucking model. You’re working the beer tent at the Indy 500. Grade: 2 finely sliced pieces of celery out of 10. And then they throw the celery up.
SHOW: American inventor
PREMISE: 1 person invents something that saves babies. 24 people invent a fucking beer hat.
REVIEW: This show is fucking hilarious! I have a hardy laugh when people pour their money and hearts into inventing a shoe with a FUCKING CLOCK attached to it. You sold your house and your dog and your wife, and all you have to show for it is a ticking sneaker. That’s sad, and fucking funny as hell! Grade: 8 broken down homes out of 10.
SHOW: Hell’s Kitchen
PREMISE: Angry Scotsman swears at Americans, makes fat men openly weep.
REVIEW: Again, it’s a winning formula here. British person tells off Americans. Plus I think there’s food involved in this one. Some type of cooking competition. Best line: “This food tastes Balls-awful!” Grade: 7 fucking swear words out of fucking 10.
Phew, that’s it. In summary, two shows with the word “Canada” in the title and two shows with the word “America” in the title. And one about movies. Bleak viewing indeed. I see why I know people that don’t even own a TV. Stay tuned for Angry Gary's review of the "Summer Crapfest of Cinema"!
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