Angry
When Morpheus tells Neo about the Matrix? Nope, I bought it.
When Jason Statham falls from a plane onto a car and survives in Crank? Nope, it could happen.
When Martin Lawrence dons his fat suit and plays 17 characters in the same scene? Nope, that's like a regular thanksgiving in my book.
It’s when they put two fucking people together in a “relationship” and expect us to swallow that this would ever happen EVER in real life. And below I’ve listed my top offenders, in an effort to alleviate some of this angry pain.
Movie
Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist
Two People in Relationship
Micheal Cera and Alexis Dziena
Why Not?
No, I didn’t go out and watch this movie in theatres, or even on DVD. I had to watch it for work, so don’t get your knickers in a twist thinking Angry Gary has gone all soft. Here’s my theory about Michael Cera. I just think he isn’t aware that he’s actually being filmed in anything. I think he just goes about his life, and the situations he gets himself in of his own accord somehow get turned into a movie plot and subsequently filmed. Sure, he wonders what all those funny guys in “crew” shirts are doing around him, and why sometimes night is lit up like day when his Paul Frank watch clearly indicates it’s not daytime, but I really think he just goes about his normal daily business, getting into fucked up and completely unlikely scenarios, then receives a big cheque at the end of 3 months for work he doesn’t remember doing. Because he really is just always acting like HIMSELF. Which is why when this movie wrapped he wondered why Alexis all of a sudden stopped acting like his girlfriend, and Kat Denning didn’t call him back the next day cause she had to fly to
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Movie
Knocked Up
Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl
Yes, I’m aware they only initially hook up because her state of drunkenness at the time clearly approaches that of your Russian uncle. And I suppose having a baby with someone is motivation to stick around after the fact. But come on, how drunk could she possibly be? She doesn’t weigh a lot, and to consume the amount of alcohol it would take to make Pubey-Chest-Hair-Rogen look good should by all accounts be enough to “knock” her unconscious. But it isn’t. And in fact, she seems fairly aware of the situation at the time. Kudos though to her acting abilities for being able to get her through those scenes. Or perhaps the producers simply hired an actress with a secret fondness for Chewbacca. MAHHHH.
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Movie
The Mummy
Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz
HE WAS FUCKING ENCINO MAN!!
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Two People in Relationship
Ben Stiller and Carmen Electra
Movie
Starsky and Hutch
Oh look at me, I crack a couple jokes and direct some movies, and since I’m partially financing this flick I’m going to just pick a dream girl to star as my love interest, don’t worry, everyone will buy it! Well, Mr. Stiller, I’m not forking over my duckets for this sale. (Cause I torrented the shit out of this one). And now that ol' Benny has the clout and the finances he can pretty much make WHATEVER FUCKING MOVIE HE WANTS and put whoever he wants in it! Kind of like the director of our next movie on the list...
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Movie
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Two People in Relationship
Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz
Why Not?
OK, this one really burns me up. REALLY burns me up. You’re telling me that I’m supposed to believe that ANY woman out there would be interested enough in Javier Bardem to have a passionate relationship. REALLY? REALLY?? Look at him in that picture, he looks like Uncle Fester in a bowl hair wig! And his face looks like it was hit by a truck! We’re not talking the Owen Wilson “Oh, look at my fucked up polygonal nose, hee hee isn’t it unique?” face here. We’re talking full on face smashing. I would be sensitive if he’d been in an accident, but I did my research! That’s all him!! And it’s not even like a regular relationship. It’s European!! That’s like 100 times the passion!! Gross disgusting Addams Family passion!!
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Two People in Relationship
Jack Black and Ana de la Reguera
Nacho Libre
Follow this for a moment, something I like to call “The Trail of Sweat”. Men are known to sweat. Men sweat in heat. Men sweat more in Mexican heat. Men sweat in Mexican heat even more when they weigh 300 lbs. Men sweat even MORE in Mexican heat when they weight 300 lbs and wear FULL BODY FUCKING SPANDEX. And that is Jack Black’s character in this movie. Sweaty and flabby to the nth degree. What could possibly be more appealing to his love interest? I don’t know, how about something even REMOTELY LESS SWEATY than an amorphous blob that is so covered in clear fluid that I confuse him with the creature from the movie Leviathan.
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Two People in Relationship
Ryan Reynolds with anyone in film or real life.
Many. And also the movie of real life.
Sorry Jen, but no. I can’t believe it. This guy is one step away from being Dane Cook. And that’s two steps away from being the swamp creature. Some might say I’m biased because he’s with the most incredible woman on earth, but no, that has nothing to do with it. I swear. And Jessica Biel in Blade 3? REALLY?!?!? If his character had hooked up with Wesley Snipes character from that movie I would’ve found that 100% more believable! And 75% less unsettling! Yeah, "peace" right back at you bro.
I’m not going to win this one. I’m sure there are those of you out there that are saying “Angry Gary, you’re a fucking idiot, that
