There are many types of people that bother Angry Gary on a daily basis, from the local grocer who raises his waffle prices on Friday's because he KNOWS I love waffles on Saturday, to the guy that pulls up at the stop sign to the left of you and thinks that by not looking you in the eye he can get away with speeding through the intersection before you do as he meanders along to his job in middle management where he spends his days looking at anime porn. Then there are the types of people, specifically dudes, who send random, unsolicited messages through Myspace/Facebook to women they don't know/have a chance with in the hopes of bedding them.
Suck on THAT segue, Paul Blart - Mall Cop!
A girl I know who shall remain anonymous - let's call her A. Orr - no no that's too obvious - let's call her Amanda O - receives these types of messages on a near daily basis. Some of them are hilarious, some are lazy, some are just creepy - but ALL of them are pathetic. She has been gracious enough to share a few with me for the purposes of this blog/thesis. Let us delve into the minds of these creatures for a moment and try to determine what makes them tick, shall we? All messages are verbatim.
SUBJECT A - GENERIC SHIRTLESS DUDE
MESSAGEwhats your msn cutie
COMMENTARY
OK, subject A, aside from your ability to somehow have FOUR grammatical errors in a sentence with FOUR words, a feat not seen since the infamous "i haz a bucket" one has to be impressed by the quality of photo generated from your circa 2002 Nokia flip phone that you obviously spent your shirt money on.
WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because either you're naturally shiny (greasy) or you have fantastic Photoshop skills. And since it's most likely the former, Amanda won't be impressed. And also, this is what women get ALL THE TIME from guys, and it's just lazy. So lazy.
SUBJECT B - GENERIC "I'M ONLY IN TOWN FOR A SHORT TIME" DUDE
MESSAGE
I am staying in downtown toronto area for a week before i head back to US. I was wondering if you would like to hang out withme sometime as a friend. Next time you visit US, you got a friend's place to crash at ma condo in Michigan, NY and Kansas City. :) bye
COMMENTARY
As turned on as Amanda may be by your cargo shorts and inability to effectively fasten a fanny pack in the proper manner, I find it interesting that you specify that you're looking for only a "friend" not once but TWICE in your short message. Crash at your condo? In Michigan? Michigan, which is apparently a city in New York. Yeah, cause when I'm in New York State, the #1 city as a tourist destination I think of is FUCKING MICHIGAN. Oh but you also have Kansas City? There are two condos in the deal? That certainly does sweeten the pot, because she would be an outright WHORE if there was only one condo involved. Oh and I bet there's two bedrooms in each condo, right? Or is she sleeping on the floor? Whatever the arrangement, I know she'll be happy just hanging out as "friends" while you show her slides of your recent "vacation" to Washington D.C. Good luck with all of that.
WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Cause friends don't ask friends to come to Michigan, NY.
SUBJECT C - THE SELF-DEPRECATING DUDE
MESSAGE
Just wanted you to know... ...that you're absolutely perfect and way too far away... ...not that I'm perfect or anything. :P
COMMENTARY
What do you mean you're not perfect? You’re the epitome of sexuality and swagger, a man only imagined in the deepest recesses of desire in the...OH WAIT YOU LOOK LIKE SATAN. And no, for the record, YOU'RE not too far away because your face is RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. Oh but tee hee your self-deprecation makes me question my initial instinct to MACE YOU IN THE FACE if you were to approach me in public. HEE HEE, congratulations I am now confused.
WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because she can't see the other half of your face, and that's a deal breaker, cause that side could be your mutant side, or the side you're showing could be your mutant side, either way, mutants lose points.
SUBJECT D - THE NERDY SELF-PROMOTER DUDE
MESSAGE
Your page has flair and rockstar hair...Ok so I attempted to rhyme to grab your attention. Did it work? We shall see! Your a videogame geek eh? how many guys message you asking to play video games with you? Cute video game girls are like the holy grail to male geeks everywhere. But I am guessing you have experienced that already? So i want to chat sometime, make some friends and stuff. Not sure how you feel about that but it would be nice to learn more. Hope the rainy gloom of the city goes away cus this weekend is gonna be hawt! If you want to check my page best use internet explorer. I do photography on the side of life so check my blog out if you want to see it.
COMMENTARY
Yeah dude, the quickest way to a nerdy girls heart is to tell her that your page is optimized for internet explorer. Next you’ll be telling her about this “hawt” new music program called Real Player. Good one. Oh shit, I saw what you did there when talking about this weekend - you almost baited her into asking about why your weekend would be so "hawt", and that would totally open up a dialog - what an indirect way of eliciting a response from her! CLEVER! And no, I've never heard any guy that likes video games EVER say that they like cute girls that like video games. That is literally the first time I've ever heard anyone even suggest that. Blindsided.
WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Your picture. And your words.
SUBJECT E - GENERIC "FOREIGNER" DUDE
MESSAGE Hi! Your heart has a beauty that I find in no other. Your warmth and compassion inspire me to take new risks and grow daily, refining me into a better person. Your eyes hold a sexiness and a passion others can only long for. As long as my heart beats, I shall seek out your soul and feel fulfilled! you have a lovely name amanda,that remind me the song of don william title amanda. pls i need your reply.
COMMENTARY
Ok, I produce and write promos for the W Network, and let me just tell you, this is miles beyond any of the copy I am capable of writing. If you get the W Network in Nigeria, please tune in next month to see that I have used every word of your message in a script and not given you credit for it. I now claim this ballad of words as my own and all rights to it in perpetuity. And yes, I WOULD like to help withdraw Prince Phillpe's money out of escrow and will be sending you $6,000 by wire shortly to expedite the transactions.
WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
They aren’t that slim, I’ll trade her for more of those fancy fancy words I can then use for work.
SUBJECT F - THE "RANDOM" DUDE
(picture withheld)
MESSAGE
Randon tax question for ya dollface - how much do you think your return will be this year? i'm only getting $347...i call BS! what does $347 get you these days. add me as a friendo and let me know-o tata.
COMMENTARY Oh my god, is this how Canada Revenue operates their auditing service now? I'm screwed! Oh no, it's just another in a long line of randoms. If calling a girl you don't know "dollface" doesn’t get her to drop her pants, then certainly asking about her finances will! Yeah!! That's the ticket! I'll tell you what $347 gets you. A hooker and some ice cream.
WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because rhyming "friendo" with "know-o" is about as clever as rhyming fuckface with...look you've gone and stumped me. you win, you LITERARY GENIUS.
__
THE QUICKIES
hi...can i take your eyes?...becouse they are so beatiful..:))
wow are you as naughty as you look to be...god i hope so
hi u r very cute!! how r u doing? wanna tlak? Im karen from TO..lol
so um ya.............marry me?
AND THE BEST OF THE WORST, THE CREEPIEST OF THE CREEPER...
SUBJECT F - THE "MAYBE WE SHOULD REPORT THIS" DUDE
MESSAGE
hey wot up nice baby pic
COMMENTARY
.......
WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because the RCMP is at your door.
Do YOU have any creepy/funny/weird dudes (or chicks) that randomly message you? Email them to me so I can use them in an upcoming blog!
