Spoiler Alert - An Angry Gary PSA

Spoiler Alert!

An Angry Gary Public Service Announcement

Disclaimer: The below rant does NOT contain any spoilers about the season finale of Dexter, but does reveal the following spoilers –

* Who shot J.R.?

* Who shot Mr. Burns?

* Who shot Liberty Valance?

OK, seriously what the fuck is wrong with people out there that don’t understand what a spoiler is? Webster’s Online defines a spoiler as “an airfoil mounted on the rear of a car to reduce lift at high speeds”. But that’s only because I was too fucking angry to scroll down the damn fucking search result page! No, you see, it actually means SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT SHOWS/MOVIES BECAUSE NOT EVERYONE HAS SEEN THE DAMN SHOW/MOVIE YET, YOU FUCKHEAD!! (I’ve just submitted that in ALL CAPS to websters.com, and they better fucking approve it!)

Scenario: I’ve PVR’d one of my fucking FAVORITE shows on television because I’m not some sort of fucking Weird-Al-in-the-movie-UHF loving fuckball glued to my fucking television set every night of the week. I’m the type of guy that likes to see friends that particular night, get a good night's sleep, and then go to work the following day, you know, because I’m PART OF FUCKING SOCIETY. And then the next day, while I’m at work - bam, whadya know, some dick fuck decides it’s acceptable to post the EXPLICIT DETAILS about how Dexter ends in a news feed that pops up in Facebook. THEN this person has the audacity to immediately post AFTERWARDS that there is a spoiler alert above what he/she’s just written. AND THEN NOT EVEN DELETE THE ORIGINAL POST. That’s like someone coming up to me back in the summer of 1980 and having the following conversation with me:

Fuckhead - Hey dude, what’s up?

Circa-1980’s Angry Gary - Not much man, just listening to some Air Supply.

Fuckhead – Cool man, cool, hey wasn’t that season finale of Dallas so tubular?

Circa-1980’s Angry Gary – Totally bro, I wonder who shot JR, I have no idea.

Fuckhead – It was Kristin Shepard.

Circa-1980’s Angry Gary – Are you fucking serious?

Fuckhead – Totally, I worked on the 8 track mixdown of the episode over at CBS.

Circa-1980’s Angry Gary – You are a CIRCA 1980'S FUCKWANKER.

Fuckhead - Sorry dude – I guess I should’ve said spoiler alert!

Fuckhead - (muffled bludgeoning noises)

I get it. Back then it was to be expected – if you didn’t see the damn show when it aired, you were fuck out of luck. EVERYONE watched the damn fucking show when it was revealed. But not these days! These days’ people have fucking lives! And fucking PVR’s! OH and perhaps maybe they’re watching the seasons on DVD and haven’t even caught up to the current fucking season!! Ever think about that?? CAN’T THERE BE SOME FUCKING CONSIDERATION FOR PEOPLE THAT CAN’T AFFORD CABLE AND HAVE TO WAIT TILL THEIR DAMN AUNT EDNA WITH HER LAZY FUCKING EYE AND GIVING NATURE PUTS THE 4^TH SEASON OF DEXTER UNDER THEIR DAMN CHRISTMAS TREE??? Nope, apparently that’s too much to ask these days.

So here’s my public service announcement:

(Music in)

Hello, I'm Angry Gary, here to let you know that if you're going to start a fucking dialogue about something you saw one fucking night ago, please have the courtesy to start your coversation like this:

Not A Fuckhead – Hey, Angry Gary, did you see the finale of Dexter last night?
Angry Gary - Indeed I did, person that isn't a fuckhead...(proceeds to discuss and analyze and be merry)

AND NOT LIKE THIS:

Fuckhead – Hey, Angry Gary, did you see how Maggie shot Mr. Burns last night but the whole episode it seemed as if Homer did it? But it was Maggie?

Angry Gary – (AGHAST)

THE MORE YOU KNOW*********************

(fade out)

See the difference? Good. Thank you for listening, and do enjoy the finale of Dexter. If you don’t watch Dexter then just get your damn Uncle Leroy with his lazy fucking hip to get you seasons 1-3 on DVD or Blu Ray this Christmas. You’ll thank Angry Gary for it.

P.S. The man who shot Liberty Valance was Tom Doniphon, and not Rance Stoddard.

BECAUSE HE’S JOHN FUCKING WAYNE AND HE’LL KILL ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY!!!

Oh...You Guys Are Together...I See...

Angry Gary loves the cinema. Loves the escape, the wonder, the suspension of disbelief. But as is the case with many things, Angry Gary gets angry when his experience is FUCKING RUINED. By which I mean when viewing certain movies my disbelief cannot POSSIBLY be suspended due to the fact that what’s being presented is entirely IM-FUCKING-PLAUSIBLE. And when does this occur you ask?

When Morpheus tells Neo about the Matrix? Nope, I bought it.

When Jason Statham falls from a plane onto a car and survives in Crank? Nope, it could happen.

When Martin Lawrence dons his fat suit and plays 17 characters in the same scene? Nope, that's like a regular thanksgiving in my book.

It’s when they put two fucking people together in a “relationship” and expect us to swallow that this would ever happen EVER in real life. And below I’ve listed my top offenders, in an effort to alleviate some of this angry pain.

Movie

Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Two People in Relationship

Micheal Cera and Alexis Dziena

Why Not?

No, I didn’t go out and watch this movie in theatres, or even on DVD. I had to watch it for work, so don’t get your knickers in a twist thinking Angry Gary has gone all soft. Here’s my theory about Michael Cera. I just think he isn’t aware that he’s actually being filmed in anything. I think he just goes about his life, and the situations he gets himself in of his own accord somehow get turned into a movie plot and subsequently filmed. Sure, he wonders what all those funny guys in “crew” shirts are doing around him, and why sometimes night is lit up like day when his Paul Frank watch clearly indicates it’s not daytime, but I really think he just goes about his normal daily business, getting into fucked up and completely unlikely scenarios, then receives a big cheque at the end of 3 months for work he doesn’t remember doing. Because he really is just always acting like HIMSELF. Which is why when this movie wrapped he wondered why Alexis all of a sudden stopped acting like his girlfriend, and Kat Denning didn’t call him back the next day cause she had to fly to Spain for another movie. Imagine him there at a coffee place that morning saying “hmm…oh…uhh…oh…” (verbatim)

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Movie

Knocked Up

Two People in Relationship

Seth Rogen and Katherine Heigl

Why Not?

Yes, I’m aware they only initially hook up because her state of drunkenness at the time clearly approaches that of your Russian uncle. And I suppose having a baby with someone is motivation to stick around after the fact. But come on, how drunk could she possibly be? She doesn’t weigh a lot, and to consume the amount of alcohol it would take to make Pubey-Chest-Hair-Rogen look good should by all accounts be enough to “knock” her unconscious. But it isn’t. And in fact, she seems fairly aware of the situation at the time. Kudos though to her acting abilities for being able to get her through those scenes. Or perhaps the producers simply hired an actress with a secret fondness for Chewbacca. MAHHHH.

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Movie

The Mummy

Two People in Relationship

Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz

Why Not?

HE WAS FUCKING ENCINO MAN!!

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Two People in Relationship

Ben Stiller and Carmen Electra

Movie

Starsky and Hutch

Why Not?

Oh look at me, I crack a couple jokes and direct some movies, and since I’m partially financing this flick I’m going to just pick a dream girl to star as my love interest, don’t worry, everyone will buy it! Well, Mr. Stiller, I’m not forking over my duckets for this sale. (Cause I torrented the shit out of this one). And now that ol' Benny has the clout and the finances he can pretty much make WHATEVER FUCKING MOVIE HE WANTS and put whoever he wants in it! Kind of like the director of our next movie on the list...

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Movie

Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Two People in Relationship

Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz

Why Not?

OK, this one really burns me up. REALLY burns me up. You’re telling me that I’m supposed to believe that ANY woman out there would be interested enough in Javier Bardem to have a passionate relationship. REALLY? REALLY?? Look at him in that picture, he looks like Uncle Fester in a bowl hair wig! And his face looks like it was hit by a truck! We’re not talking the Owen Wilson “Oh, look at my fucked up polygonal nose, hee hee isn’t it unique?” face here. We’re talking full on face smashing. I would be sensitive if he’d been in an accident, but I did my research! That’s all him!! And it’s not even like a regular relationship. It’s European!! That’s like 100 times the passion!! Gross disgusting Addams Family passion!!

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Two People in Relationship

Jack Black and Ana de la Reguera

Movie

Nacho Libre

Why Not?

Follow this for a moment, something I like to call “The Trail of Sweat”. Men are known to sweat. Men sweat in heat. Men sweat more in Mexican heat. Men sweat in Mexican heat even more when they weigh 300 lbs. Men sweat even MORE in Mexican heat when they weight 300 lbs and wear FULL BODY FUCKING SPANDEX. And that is Jack Black’s character in this movie. Sweaty and flabby to the nth degree. What could possibly be more appealing to his love interest? I don’t know, how about something even REMOTELY LESS SWEATY than an amorphous blob that is so covered in clear fluid that I confuse him with the creature from the movie Leviathan.

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Two People in Relationship

Ryan Reynolds with anyone in film or real life.

Movie

Many. And also the movie of real life.

Why Not?

Sorry Jen, but no. I can’t believe it. This guy is one step away from being Dane Cook. And that’s two steps away from being the swamp creature. Some might say I’m biased because he’s with the most incredible woman on earth, but no, that has nothing to do with it. I swear. And Jessica Biel in Blade 3? REALLY?!?!? If his character had hooked up with Wesley Snipes character from that movie I would’ve found that 100% more believable! And 75% less unsettling! Yeah, "peace" right back at you bro.

I’m not going to win this one. I’m sure there are those of you out there that are saying “Angry Gary, you’re a fucking idiot, that dude is a babe.” To which I respond, yes. I understand you feel that way. And you know what other dude out there gets a lot of ladies? The young man pictured below. That’s right, Angry Gary’s theory is and always has been that even Carrot Top gets the ladies. Proof positive that there is a chance for us regular guys that are at least somewhat better looking than the evil mutated twin of Ronald McDonald.

Girls That Get Random Messages From Dudes

An AngryGary Thesis

There are many types of people that bother Angry Gary on a daily basis, from the local grocer who raises his waffle prices on Friday's because he KNOWS I love waffles on Saturday, to the guy that pulls up at the stop sign to the left of you and thinks that by not looking you in the eye he can get away with speeding through the intersection before you do as he meanders along to his job in middle management where he spends his days looking at anime porn. Then there are the types of people, specifically dudes, who send random, unsolicited messages through Myspace/Facebook to women they don't know/have a chance with in the hopes of bedding them.



Suck on THAT segue, Paul Blart - Mall Cop!



A girl I know who shall remain anonymous - let's call her A. Orr - no no that's too obvious - let's call her Amanda O - receives these types of messages on a near daily basis. Some of them are hilarious, some are lazy, some are just creepy - but ALL of them are pathetic. She has been gracious enough to share a few with me for the purposes of this blog/thesis. Let us delve into the minds of these creatures for a moment and try to determine what makes them tick, shall we? All messages are verbatim.


SUBJECT A - GENERIC SHIRTLESS DUDE

MESSAGE
whats your msn cutie

COMMENTARY
OK, subject A, aside from your ability to somehow have FOUR grammatical errors in a sentence with FOUR words, a feat not seen since the infamous "i haz a bucket" one has to be impressed by the quality of photo generated from your circa 2002 Nokia flip phone that you obviously spent your shirt money on.

WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because either you're naturally shiny (greasy) or you have fantastic Photoshop skills. And since it's most likely the former, Amanda won't be impressed. And also, this is what women get ALL THE TIME from guys, and it's just lazy. So lazy.



SUBJECT B - GENERIC "I'M ONLY IN TOWN FOR A SHORT TIME" DUDE


MESSAGE
I am staying in downtown toronto area for a week before i head back to US. I was wondering if you would like to hang out withme sometime as a friend. Next time you visit US, you got a friend's place to crash at ma condo in Michigan, NY and Kansas City. :) bye

COMMENTARY
As turned on as Amanda may be by your cargo shorts and inability to effectively fasten a fanny pack in the proper manner, I find it interesting that you specify that you're looking for only a "friend" not once but TWICE in your short message. Crash at your condo? In Michigan? Michigan, which is apparently a city in New York. Yeah, cause when I'm in New York State, the #1 city as a tourist destination I think of is FUCKING MICHIGAN. Oh but you also have Kansas City? There are two condos in the deal? That certainly does sweeten the pot, because she would be an outright WHORE if there was only one condo involved. Oh and I bet there's two bedrooms in each condo, right? Or is she sleeping on the floor? Whatever the arrangement, I know she'll be happy just hanging out as "friends" while you show her slides of your recent "vacation" to Washington D.C. Good luck with all of that.

WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Cause friends don't ask friends to come to Michigan, NY.


SUBJECT C - THE SELF-DEPRECATING DUDE


MESSAGE
Just wanted you to know... ...that you're absolutely perfect and way too far away... ...not that I'm perfect or anything. :P

COMMENTARY
What do you mean you're not perfect? You’re the epitome of sexuality and swagger, a man only imagined in the deepest recesses of desire in the...OH WAIT YOU LOOK LIKE SATAN. And no, for the record, YOU'RE not too far away because your face is RIGHT FUCKING IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA. Oh but tee hee your self-deprecation makes me question my initial instinct to MACE YOU IN THE FACE if you were to approach me in public. HEE HEE, congratulations I am now confused.

WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because she can't see the other half of your face, and that's a deal breaker, cause that side could be your mutant side, or the side you're showing could be your mutant side, either way, mutants lose points.


SUBJECT D - THE NERDY SELF-PROMOTER DUDE


MESSAGE
Your page has flair and rockstar hair...Ok so I attempted to rhyme to grab your attention. Did it work? We shall see! Your a videogame geek eh? how many guys message you asking to play video games with you? Cute video game girls are like the holy grail to male geeks everywhere. But I am guessing you have experienced that already? So i want to chat sometime, make some friends and stuff. Not sure how you feel about that but it would be nice to learn more. Hope the rainy gloom of the city goes away cus this weekend is gonna be hawt! If you want to check my page best use internet explorer. I do photography on the side of life so check my blog out if you want to see it.

COMMENTARY
Yeah dude, the quickest way to a nerdy girls heart is to tell her that your page is optimized for internet explorer. Next you’ll be telling her about this “hawt” new music program called Real Player. Good one. Oh shit, I saw what you did there when talking about this weekend - you almost baited her into asking about why your weekend would be so "hawt", and that would totally open up a dialog - what an indirect way of eliciting a response from her! CLEVER! And no, I've never heard any guy that likes video games EVER say that they like cute girls that like video games. That is literally the first time I've ever heard anyone even suggest that. Blindsided.

WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Your picture. And your words.


SUBJECT E - GENERIC "FOREIGNER" DUDE

MESSAGE
Hi! Your heart has a beauty that I find in no other. Your warmth and compassion inspire me to take new risks and grow daily, refining me into a better person. Your eyes hold a sexiness and a passion others can only long for. As long as my heart beats, I shall seek out your soul and feel fulfilled! you have a lovely name amanda,that remind me the song of don william title amanda. pls i need your reply.

COMMENTARY
Ok, I produce and write promos for the W Network, and let me just tell you, this is miles beyond any of the copy I am capable of writing. If you get the W Network in Nigeria, please tune in next month to see that I have used every word of your message in a script and not given you credit for it. I now claim this ballad of words as my own and all rights to it in perpetuity. And yes, I WOULD like to help withdraw Prince Phillpe's money out of escrow and will be sending you $6,000 by wire shortly to expedite the transactions.

WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
They aren’t that slim, I’ll trade her for more of those fancy fancy words I can then use for work.


SUBJECT F - THE "RANDOM" DUDE
(picture withheld)

MESSAGE
Randon tax question for ya dollface - how much do you think your return will be this year? i'm only getting $347...i call BS! what does $347 get you these days. add me as a friendo and let me know-o tata.

COMMENTARY Oh my god, is this how Canada Revenue operates their auditing service now? I'm screwed! Oh no, it's just another in a long line of randoms. If calling a girl you don't know "dollface" doesn’t get her to drop her pants, then certainly asking about her finances will! Yeah!! That's the ticket! I'll tell you what $347 gets you. A hooker and some ice cream.

WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because rhyming "friendo" with "know-o" is about as clever as rhyming fuckface with...look you've gone and stumped me. you win, you LITERARY GENIUS.

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THE QUICKIES



hi...can i take your eyes?...becouse they are so beatiful..:))



wow are you as naughty as you look to be...god i hope so




hi u r very cute!! how r u doing? wanna tlak? Im karen from TO..lol



so um ya.............marry me?


AND THE BEST OF THE WORST, THE CREEPIEST OF THE CREEPER...


SUBJECT F - THE "MAYBE WE SHOULD REPORT THIS" DUDE


MESSAGE
hey wot up nice baby pic

COMMENTARY
.......


WHY YOUR CHANCES ARE SLIM
Because the RCMP is at your door.


Do YOU have any creepy/funny/weird dudes (or chicks) that randomly message you? Email them to me so I can use them in an upcoming blog!

Snow: Fantastic Fun Flakes or Dangerous Weapons of Meteorological Destruction?

Hey there, late 20’s to early 30’s hipster! Remember your youth? Angry Gary remembers his. Lil’ Angry running around with snow pants on, frolicking in the snow, tobogganing at the local slope, snowball fights in the school yard. Remember that?

WELL FUCK THOSE MEMORIES. THOSE MEMORIES ARE DEAD AND SO ARE YOU IF YOU GO OUTSIDE DURING THE PERIOD BETWEEN NOVEMBER AND APRIL.

Allow me to elaborate.

There are quite a few wars going on right now in the world (actually approximately 30 or so), but the local media wants us to believe that none have as much importance and terror as the one piling up in brown slushy piles outside our doors. That’s right, I’m talking about THE WAR ON WINTER. When in the flying fuck did certain “news” outlets become such alarm inducing crank factories?? The pictures their articles paint certainly do NOT represent the reality of what it is actually like to live in a country that is next to the FUCKING ARCTIC CIRCLE.

It’s snow people, and it gets cold. It’s always been cold. This isn’t some new development here! Want to frolic in the snow? Prepare to get a snow plow straight up your ass. Want to toboggan? TOO DANGEROUS. Friendly snowball fight with your neighborhood policeman? TASER TO THE BALLS.

Seriously, I’m getting sick and tired and angry at people huddled in a corner somewhere afraid to go outside because the temperature drops below -10. Here’s a tip, wear some fucking gloves! Don’t believe the headlines that “The worst of the weather terror is yet to come”, or that “snowfall will make your commute a nightmare”. Judge Judy flogging me with a large cucumber is Angry Gary’s nightmare, not some fucking WATER PARTICLES THAT HAVE FROZEN AND ARE FALLING TO THE GROUND IN A MAGICAL FASHION. GAHHH!!!!!!!111!