Angry Gary Goes to the Movies

So you would think that travelling to a movie theatre only 2 km away from your home, to see a children’s movie at night, on a Monday, would NOT illicit any amount of Anger. But I suppose that saying Angry Gary doesn’t get angry is like saying Stinky Pete don’t need a shower!

"Please Bathe Me!"

It was raining, so we decided to take the car there, which is parked underground beneath our building. Now, this should be easy, walk to the car, get in and go, right? No. I pass by this person’s parking spot and the simmering begins. FOUR YEARS ago this person dropped a red can of paint on the ground right next to the driver’s side of their car. Fine, it’s their spot, but a smattering of paint and the paint lid are STILL there after all this time. They refuse to pick up the damn paint lid!

"Why?"

I want to get up at 4 in the morning, head down there with a lighter and a screwdriver. Pry up the lid from the ground and use the lighter to heat up the bottom of the lid. Just as the paint on the other side begins to warm up, I want to slam it down on the driver’s side window, pressing it against it, then just leave my hand there for like 2 minutes, so it becomes fully adhered to the window. Then maybe they’ll notice the fucking BRIGHTLY COLOURED GARBAGE they’ve been so callous to ignore every time they step out of their fucking car!

So we make it to the theatre and things are looking up, and by up I mean the price of the fucking movie for two people was 31 fucking dollars! What the shit is that? On a Monday night?!? It’s ok, we head upstairs, craving the dinner we had yet to eat, only to be met by HORDES of salivating yuppies getting their weekly New York Fries/KFC fix. Long lines pushed through, we finally get our food (a steal at $30 total!) and settle in to a relatively empty theatre. Now here’s the thing about empty theatres/busses/streecars/doctors offices, why in the flying fuck is it that when there are many seats someone always has to come in and sit as close as possible to you? Hey, fuckface! Do you see the other seats around you? It’s a fucking 500 seat cinema, do you really have to plop your fucking ass DIRECTLY behind us?? That’s what this big fat guy did, sat right behind us. I don’t know if you’ve ever sat in front of a 350 lbs. man before, but let’s just say they usually haven’t mastered the art of breathing in a quiet fashion. As in it sounds like bigfoot just fucked a dinosaur and is basking in the afterglow while panting heavily.

Porno Mag for Dinosaurs

And THEN, the snoring started. You come to a children’s movie, by yourself, and you fall asleep? Granted, the fitness required to stay awake for 90 FUCKING MINUTES probably escapes your average behemoth, but come on!! And this shit was LOUD too. Remember the time you fell asleep next to a set of train tracks? Yeah, like that. Also, lay off on the booze, poindexter.

So why is the cinema business dying? High ticket prices? High Concession Prices? So much Italian Dressing stink that you GET high? No, friends, it's because it's a dying business model. Like commodore 64 programmers and paperback encyclopedias, it's on the outs. Enjoy it while it lasts, I sure as fuck didn't.