Transformers - FAIL

I’m not usually one to purchase small toys from candy machines (anymore), but one particular dispenser caught my eye today at the local bowlerama. “A Transformers Keychain!?” I exclaimed, as I deposited my 2 dollars and received the little plastic ball. I was hoping for Optimus, but no luck - it was just Bumblebee. Oh well, that’s not so bad, because I figured that having this on my keychain would initiate conversations like:

Tim - “Hey dude, is that a transformer?”
Gary - “Yes, Tim, yes it is. In keychain form. Want to see it transform?”
Tim – “Do I?!? Hellz yes!”
Gary – “Ok, here goes (cue transformer noise wakwakwakwawkwakwak.)"
Tim – “I just came.”

And maybe this one with the ladies:

Ladies – “Nice keychain big boy”
Gary – “Thanks, but its not just a key chain, it’s a transforming keychain, watch this (cue transformer noise)"
Ladies – “Ooh Gary, make me pregnant.”

BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE was I disappointed with what came out of the fucking plastic ball:




What the SHIT IS THAT?!?!?!? Maybe you can’t tell, but it’s all rubber and one piece. Compare that fucking picture to one of the actual bumblebee:



Right, ok, it’s a keychain, they’ve taken some liberties in the complexities of the mechanics for the sake of it not poking some idiot kid in the eye. Maybe. Then I find out how it transforms. IT DOESN’T FUCKING TRANSFORM. So what does it do you ask? I am not fucking lying to you when I say that IT CRAPS OUT A CAR. Really. For real. This isn’t me being funny. IT DUMPS OUT A CAR OUT OF ITS FUCKING RUBBERY ASS. Like This:




It’s a separate fucking entity! And even then it remains attached to the main body part, like some sort of metal umbilical cord!! AND you actually have to the squeeze the damn thing to get it out! SQUEEZE IT?!?! Where in the history of the transformers did one transformer shit out another transformer and fight the decepticons? Tell me. Tell me now!



TRANSFORMERS FAIL