Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby – and have ourselves a snack! That's right dear reader, yours truly decided to switch off the television and head out to our grand 16-theatre multiplex to soak in the 20 x 20' screen and 7-dimensional sound that is the modern day "movie-going" experience. Plus, I had two free passes!
We get there and since it is the early afternoon, there aren't too many people. That's good, as I always say, since the worst part about going out in public is..well…the people. Just a few hungover nightclubbers and a several screaming kids populated this 5 story mega-theatre-opolis, but luckily we weren't going to see a kids movie (Happy Feet), but instead a decidedly anti-kid movie (Borat). The idiocy starts when we get our movie tickets. The attendant screws up our ticket order! I suppose "Borat" and "Bobby" are similar-sounding, in that they both start with the letter "B" and have two syllables, but still. Close brush with seeing a political charged film aside, we proceed up the five story escalator to get some food. Should be simple, right? Wrong, some pimply-faced ass-hat behind the counter finds my order of ONE item too confusing, and proceeds to screw it up, slothing enough gravy on my poutine to feed the entire nation of Kazahkstan.
"Ok, the movie hasn't started yet, Gary, stop seething, lets just go into the theatre", I tremble to myself.
We enter the half empty theatre, find an empty row (with empty rows above and below us) and plop ourselves down in the center to enjoy the fine art-house film they are about to unspool. Right before the movie starts though, two other wank-bats decide to sit down directly behind us. Ok, that's ok, not so bad, it's better than kicking kids. I was wrong.
As the movie begins, one of them begins laughing at EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING he sees on the screen, everything from the fact that the villagers of Borat's hometown in Kazakstan have moustaches to the fact that there is rubble everywhere. Perhaps my comedic sensibilities are overly refined, but I do not see a reason to fucking scream like a whale being choked at every fucking thing in the movie that could ever be remotely funny to anybody. Hey, buddy, have you ever heard of comedy before? Have you just regained your hearing after a life of being deaf and are currently experiencing every single funny entendre and allusion for the first time? Possibly. That is what I think.
I hate movie-going. Fuck you movie conglomerates for perpetrating that we need to subject ourselves to $14 popcorn and $7 pepsi, as if the more I spend will somehow enhance the fact that your theaters stink like Italian dressing and the floors are sticker than a butter factory that was then converted into a bathhouse. Movie rating - A-. Movie Going Experience Rating - A for "abysmal"
Top 5 Hate list – November 2006 edition
5. Michael Richards. (On a fame level of 1-10, before last weeks rant you were at about a 2, and that's being generous. Now, you're like negative 17. Plus you look really old now. Put down the pitchfork dude, and the crack rock!)
4. Lucas Rossi. (I know you read my blog you jackass, and you suck so many different balls at once I don't know whether to enter you in the annual meatball eating contest or set you up with my friend Antoine. You're like an animal that they test makeup on, except they have more personality.)
3. The War on Christmas. (ok, I'm not religious, but I really am getting pissed about them changing it to a "holiday party" and a "holiday tree". What the fuck is that? Everyone knows Christmas isn't about religion. It's about Santa and a loving family huddled around a warm Playstation 3. Grow a pair, world!)
2. David Fucking Blaine. (How about this for an endurance stunt? We launch you into space without a spacesuit, and you see how long you can hold your breath. Work your magic, floating man, work your "magic"!)
1. James Blunt. (You are a sappy little bitch with whiny lyrics and vocal chords that sound like they've been pinched by pliers. But I've said that before. Your very aura and soul make me question whether there is a kind higher power, or whether Satan is actually in charge. But I've said that before as well. So I started my own company, and you can find the info in the "company" section of my page. Through our hard work and dedication, we will eradicate the scourge that is your existence and achieve our goal of a blunt-free society. Onwards, anti-blunt soldiers, onwards!!!)
