You know really what grinds my gears this week? The fucking MTV VMAs. Now, youre probably sitting there in your fancy, leather-bound chair, smoking from your old-timey pipe and saying Hey, Gary! If you dont like the VMAs, why dont you just change the channel? And to that I say my remote ran out of batteries again, jerk! Also, shut up.
First of all, lets chat about thin celebrities. Oh god! Is Bulemia the new thing in Hollywood? Keira Knightly used to look like a chick, then I turned around to get a beer, then I returned, and all of a sudden she looks like shes escaped from a high-school science class! Are we supposed to subscribe to this theory? Are young girls and possibly guys looking at this, then looking at their own pud, then striving for that body image? Or how about Nicole Richie, and how if she hosted a Save the African Children commercial, I wouldnt be able to tell her apart from those starving children - what with her fake-ass tan and her hey, check out my rib-bone cocky attitude. Fuck that. Refer to my previous blog about the fashion industry for a continuing rant about this whole debacle.
Secondly, whats with the crappy music? I have nothing against hip-hop and its perpetuation of bling and other bling-related stereotypes, but give me a break! How stupid are people to believe that they can or will ever actually achieve this level of wealth? Pretty stupid it seems, since I see homeless people on the street wearing sean john t-shirts. Youre asking me for a dollar? Fucking sell that shirt and youll eat for a damn month! And there was like two rock acts! And those rock acts sucked large! The only redeeming quality of music during the whole night was The Raconteurs, and even they were relegated to playing during the commercials! They would get cut off after 15 seconds of music, and we would return from the break to hear the last 10 seconds of whatever song they were playing!! Whats that all about? That was the best band thats ever been on the VMAs ever! And dont get me started on The Killers. If that guy took off his eye makeup, hed look like the Unabomber. A Mormon Unabomber. I hate that guy so much, he really does suck when he sings live. Its like that Simpsons episode where Bart and friends form a boy-band. But they have this machine that makes them sound like real singers. Except the guy from the Killers always forgets to turn on the machine when they perform live. I HATE MY MTV!!!
Plus, MTV Canada sucks all different parts of ass, its like the worst channel in the history of the universe. Heres a tip get some people with some fucking talent on your show. Yeah, Im really interested in hearing what these people have to say about the current American-produced fluff they have on air. They act like its a little silly and all that, and that the people on the show currently on are airheads. Hows that for irony shoved right up your ass? Youre fucking making fun of the show that YOUR CHANNEL is airing!! Its your channel! YOU ARE ALL CULPABLE!!!!
Ultimate Top 5 Hate List 59th Edition
5. Lucas from Rockstar Supernova. (I heard you were already chosen. If you took off YOUR eye makeup, youd look like the guy that cleans the lint out of dryers at your local Laundromat.)
4. P-Diddy. (Hes discovered myspace, and hes posted a video of him urinating and proclaiming it the greatest thing since sex. Stay tuned for my next blog/expose: P-Diddy has never had sex ever.)
3. Tom Cruise (This whack-job apologized to brooke shields for calling her loco. I say, she shouldve refused his apology, hung him by his legs over a cliff, and told him that he shouldnt worry if she dropped him, for his scientology spaceship would swoop in at the last moment and save his sorry ass.)
2. Geri Halliwell. (You child was abused? Really? Ooh thats not a good thing, for any child. Oh wait, what? You didnt leave her with a family member? Oh, you left her with a member of your staff Yeah, heres a tip, HOW ABOUT YOU BE AN COMPETENT MOTHER and dont leave your fucking child with some idiot employee!)
1. MTV Video Awards. (You gave James Blunt two awards? Well fuck, why dont you just walk out to the street, pick up a piece of dog shit and give it two awards? Or how about you climb the side of a building, slide your finger along one of the exterior window sills, then give the car exhaust your finger picks up two awards? Because Id be more accepting of either of those scenarios.)
