Summer is drawing to its close, leaves are falling off the trees. Students are contemplating their futures. So what season is it? FUCKING WEDDING SEASON. Seriously, there are 57 weddings in August and September that I'm invited to. Mostly by people I don't really know that well. But no matter, I went to a delightful ceremony/reception combo on Sunday this past. My sister and I decided to go, it was our family, who have always been nice to us, and we knew we would have a good time. So my sister calls me up 3 hours before we're supposed to leave and the conversation goes like this:
Liz - "You know this is a dry wedding, right?"
Gary - "Is this fucking North Dakota?"
Liz - "I'll pick you up some wine."
I didnt even know there were such things as dry weddings. I thought it was an old wives tale, like polio or legitimate chiropracters. So in any case, she supplied the wine, I supplied the empty water bottle for the wine. Oh and she brought a flask of Jack for herself. We go, attend the ceremony, it was beautiful. Then afterwards, before the reception, we head back to the car to stock up. I fill my 500ml water bottle from a 750ml white wine bottle. it looked like urine. She took a picture of me drinking it in the backseat. I tried to drink more from the bottle before going in, and I did as much as I could. So I hide the water bottle, her flask, the camera, my glasses case, my keys, and my phone in the various pockets of my suit. We head in casually, and nobody paid notice that I looked like I was shoplifting from walmart. We sit down, everything is cool and we enjoy the night away at our table, laughing and drinking. We get to talking to some of the other people at our table, who are complaining about it being a dry wedding. So I proclaim "BAM!" and pull out the flask in front of everyone (8 people) at the table. They're cool with it, and a couple of people pass their half-glass of coke around for a topper. Everyone's having a good time now. THEN it gets interesting!
My sister and I finish our booze, and then I get the bright idea that we should pretend like its wedding crashers. She agrees to be Owen Wilson, and I'm Vince Vaughn, and we saunter upstairs. Oh, I forgot to mention there's three other weddings going on at this place, on different floors, and the one we happened upon first had an open bar. So we walk up casually, order two glasses of wine and start making fake chit-chat about the wedding. We walk over to where the wedding is, and we see people are eating, so we can't just walk in and stand around. The fucking bartender comes up to us (he's on to us!) and asks us if we need help finding our seat. By the seat of my pants I come up with some convoluted story about how "my mother doesnt approve of me drinking, and I'm just trying to avoid her tonight." he seems to buy this story and walks away. But my sister gets a bad feeling, so with wine glass in hand, we bolt back downstairs to OUR wedding. But because they arent serving alcohol there, we cant just walk back in, so we're at the bottom of the stairs, hanging out and drinking our wine as fast as we can. I get the brilliant idea to pour the wine into the now empty flask, but my attempt is futile and i spill some of it on a radiator. We get nervous, down the rest of the wine, and walk casually back in to the wedding. BY CASUALLY I MEAN DRUNK. So we're there, and this same fucking bartender comes downstairs to find us!! He starts grinning at me, so I just go up to him and shake his hand and smile and say "hey man, its cool, you know how it is", and again he seems placated by this. Then i go up to the bar (our bar that was serving no booze) and ask for an empty rock glass with some ice. THAT bartender (a different bartender) asks me what I'm going to use it for, and asks me if I'm going to try to go back upstairs again. I just look at him funny and say I'm using the glass for the water that's now warm because its been sitting on our table all night. He seems to buy this, so i go back and pour the rest of the flask wine into the glass, which has now turned into a disgusting mixture of Jack Daniels and White Wine. Gross, but drinkable. Then I don't remember what happened. i didnt drive home. But I got home somehow. THE END. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE KIDS!
Gary's Super Duper "where the fuck am I?" Lazy Top 5 hate list
5. Rockstar "Supernova" - Dudes, you're all fucking dinosaurs, your music wont be played anywhere except on MTV, since conglomerates like to cluster fuck one another. Enjoy your descent into mediocrity.
4. Britney Spears - You're a tool. That video that's going around shows you for what you are - that you put on a normal sounding accent when you talk to the press to cover up the fact that you got kicked out of your trailer park for being too trashy.
3. TV Fall lineup - Here's a tip, how about a show about a wise-ass lawyer with a busty female assistant? or how about another show that has a story arc that people wont be able to find out if the show gets cancelled after 5 weeks? Oh wait, you are making those shows. KUDOS, you fucks.
2. Hell's Kitchen - Gordon Ramsey, you're so banging that losing contestant. If she won, it wouldve been brought to light. So you made her lose, so you could keep her on the side. At least you swear alot, that I fucking respect.
1. Fred Flinstone - You were the first user/inventor of the "Rock Gun" (litteraly a gun that shoots rocks at people). Now james "i want my privacy" blunt has bought one of these guns to use against "obsessive fans" crowding outside his new home in Ibiza. Seriously, that isnt a joke. Next he's going to buy a car that is powered with his foot and a pet cat that's actually a big-ass tiger. Then I hope the tiger eats his face.
