Angry Gary Goes to the Movies

So you would think that travelling to a movie theatre only 2 km away from your home, to see a children’s movie at night, on a Monday, would NOT illicit any amount of Anger. But I suppose that saying Angry Gary doesn’t get angry is like saying Stinky Pete don’t need a shower!

"Please Bathe Me!"

It was raining, so we decided to take the car there, which is parked underground beneath our building. Now, this should be easy, walk to the car, get in and go, right? No. I pass by this person’s parking spot and the simmering begins. FOUR YEARS ago this person dropped a red can of paint on the ground right next to the driver’s side of their car. Fine, it’s their spot, but a smattering of paint and the paint lid are STILL there after all this time. They refuse to pick up the damn paint lid!

"Why?"

I want to get up at 4 in the morning, head down there with a lighter and a screwdriver. Pry up the lid from the ground and use the lighter to heat up the bottom of the lid. Just as the paint on the other side begins to warm up, I want to slam it down on the driver’s side window, pressing it against it, then just leave my hand there for like 2 minutes, so it becomes fully adhered to the window. Then maybe they’ll notice the fucking BRIGHTLY COLOURED GARBAGE they’ve been so callous to ignore every time they step out of their fucking car!

So we make it to the theatre and things are looking up, and by up I mean the price of the fucking movie for two people was 31 fucking dollars! What the shit is that? On a Monday night?!? It’s ok, we head upstairs, craving the dinner we had yet to eat, only to be met by HORDES of salivating yuppies getting their weekly New York Fries/KFC fix. Long lines pushed through, we finally get our food (a steal at $30 total!) and settle in to a relatively empty theatre. Now here’s the thing about empty theatres/busses/streecars/doctors offices, why in the flying fuck is it that when there are many seats someone always has to come in and sit as close as possible to you? Hey, fuckface! Do you see the other seats around you? It’s a fucking 500 seat cinema, do you really have to plop your fucking ass DIRECTLY behind us?? That’s what this big fat guy did, sat right behind us. I don’t know if you’ve ever sat in front of a 350 lbs. man before, but let’s just say they usually haven’t mastered the art of breathing in a quiet fashion. As in it sounds like bigfoot just fucked a dinosaur and is basking in the afterglow while panting heavily.

Porno Mag for Dinosaurs

And THEN, the snoring started. You come to a children’s movie, by yourself, and you fall asleep? Granted, the fitness required to stay awake for 90 FUCKING MINUTES probably escapes your average behemoth, but come on!! And this shit was LOUD too. Remember the time you fell asleep next to a set of train tracks? Yeah, like that. Also, lay off on the booze, poindexter.

So why is the cinema business dying? High ticket prices? High Concession Prices? So much Italian Dressing stink that you GET high? No, friends, it's because it's a dying business model. Like commodore 64 programmers and paperback encyclopedias, it's on the outs. Enjoy it while it lasts, I sure as fuck didn't.

Angry Gary's Angry Movie Review - Saw 5

Ah, the Saw universe, a world so fucking bewilderingly complex and well crafted that it took FIVE movies to fully cultivate the clever chronicle of a simple man and his killy-toys. I’m not proud to say I’ve seen all of these “films” by the same “writers” that penned the engrossing horror epics Feast and Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds.   Is that NOT a fucking porn?  Cause the porn name of that would be pretty easy to parody.  (ie. No changes needed.)  To appreciate just how good a fifth movie in a series can be, other famous “Quintilogies” in Hollywood history include Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach and Puppet master 5: The Final Chapter (after which they made 4 fucking more).

Do not see this movie. I took an early and painful tumble through its plot holes and somehow ended up in a different theatre altogether at one point. When the usher asked me for my ticket to THAT film, I looked around in disbelief and uttered “Saw 5?”, and he immediately understood and helped me back to the correct cinema.  A note to the filmmakers: a large sudden piercing violin every 3 fucking minutes is not an acceptable substitute for acting skills! Finally, with an editing style so choppy that it made the Bourne Identity look like motherfucking GONE WITH THE WIND by comparison, at the end of it all I was so angry that the butter on the floor around me started to bubble from the rage I emanated.  In other words, it totally cheesed. 2 Angry thumbs down! Saw 5 opens in wide release Friday.

Transformers - FAIL

I’m not usually one to purchase small toys from candy machines (anymore), but one particular dispenser caught my eye today at the local bowlerama. “A Transformers Keychain!?” I exclaimed, as I deposited my 2 dollars and received the little plastic ball. I was hoping for Optimus, but no luck - it was just Bumblebee. Oh well, that’s not so bad, because I figured that having this on my keychain would initiate conversations like:

Tim - “Hey dude, is that a transformer?”
Gary - “Yes, Tim, yes it is. In keychain form. Want to see it transform?”
Tim – “Do I?!? Hellz yes!”
Gary – “Ok, here goes (cue transformer noise wakwakwakwawkwakwak.)"
Tim – “I just came.”

And maybe this one with the ladies:

Ladies – “Nice keychain big boy”
Gary – “Thanks, but its not just a key chain, it’s a transforming keychain, watch this (cue transformer noise)"
Ladies – “Ooh Gary, make me pregnant.”

BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE was I disappointed with what came out of the fucking plastic ball:




What the SHIT IS THAT?!?!?!? Maybe you can’t tell, but it’s all rubber and one piece. Compare that fucking picture to one of the actual bumblebee:



Right, ok, it’s a keychain, they’ve taken some liberties in the complexities of the mechanics for the sake of it not poking some idiot kid in the eye. Maybe. Then I find out how it transforms. IT DOESN’T FUCKING TRANSFORM. So what does it do you ask? I am not fucking lying to you when I say that IT CRAPS OUT A CAR. Really. For real. This isn’t me being funny. IT DUMPS OUT A CAR OUT OF ITS FUCKING RUBBERY ASS. Like This:




It’s a separate fucking entity! And even then it remains attached to the main body part, like some sort of metal umbilical cord!! AND you actually have to the squeeze the damn thing to get it out! SQUEEZE IT?!?! Where in the history of the transformers did one transformer shit out another transformer and fight the decepticons? Tell me. Tell me now!



TRANSFORMERS FAIL

Damn Hippies!

Alternate blog title:
"I Brake For Hippies! (once I've already driven on top of them)"

So I was in the drug store yesterday acquiring various miscellanies when I get in line behind two people with only a few items each. I thought to myself -

“Wow, only two people, I should get out of here fairly quickly! This is certainly a situation where my anger won’t be stirred to boiling point at all! Super.”

That thought quickly gave way to the reality unfolding before my angry eyes. A damn hippie was at the cashier, she had a small child of about 6 years old and an infant strapped to her chest in what I could only guess was a sack made of re-purposed hemp. Her unkempt appearance and stringy attire did not immediately catch my attention, until the following conversation unfolded:

Dirty Hippie Mother – (holds up pampers diapers box) “Do you have a brand of diapers called ‘Tree Huggies’? [I don't remember the actual brand she requested] It’s an organic brand, and it’s much better for the environment than these Pampers, do you carry that brand?”

Minimum Wage Cashier – “uhh, I don’t know…uhh…one sec let me call someone about that” (dials extension). Can you come up here at help a customer, Rico?" (hangs up and attempts to ring through the pampers)

DHM – “Oh no, don’t ring it through yet, I want to see if you have this other brand. It’s organic, and much better for the environment”

MWC – “Oh, ok, I’ll ask the stock guy when he gets here.”

Cut to anger beginning to boil over in Angry Gary. Cut to even more people waiting in the only line open. Cut to the hippie being unware of this because she's daydreaming about a world of flowers.

The stock guy finally arrives and has no fucking clue as to what this hippie is talking about. She then proceeds to hesitate for what seems like an eternity whether or not to buy the diapers for her hemp sack baby. Then she starts to say how they really should carry this specific brand, and that it’ll sell really well. I start to seeth, a little bit more than earlier.

DHM – “Yeah, ok, I guess if I have to take these I will”

The cashier proceeds to place her items in a few plastic bags and gives them to her. She takes the bags, walks ONE step to her right, and pulls out ANOTHER hemp burlap sack. She then proceeds to have her child help her remove all items (bulky ones at that) from the plastic bags and place them in the hemp bag. Here’s a fucking tip, Ms. Cheech, why in fuck’s fuck did you NOT ask the cashier to do this in the first place??!

I get up to the front, I had my two cases of pop with me. The cashier looks at me and asks me if I want those in bags.

Angry Gary – “Yeah, bag that shit up, in fact double bag it, the MORE bags the better!”

She gave me a snide hippie look with those dirty unkempt eyes and I thought she was going to say something. Maybe it was the red in my face, or my lips silently and slowly mouthing the words “fuck you” to her, but she bit her tounge. (which she probably enjoyed because it's organic). By the time I was out of there, she was still trying to organize all of her stuff into the ONE hemp bag she brought with her. I’m sure in the end she had to stick her box of organic granola next to her hippie baby. Poor children. It’s not their fault.

FUCKING HIPPIES!!!

Holy good movie, Batman!

Gary aint angry today, friends, cause Gary got three hours sleep cause he was out watching the new Batman movie at the midnight showing. What follows is my review.

Go see this movie. One scene alone pushed it over the top for me. Joker, in the car as it moves down the street, sticking his head out of the window, mouth open. It'll make sense when you see it, but the way it's shot, the context, the sound/music choice for the scene, it'll make you realize you're seeing something more. Something more than the garbage that is your usual summer blockbuster. Is it as good as Heat or the Usual Suspects? Easily. But it acheieves greatness using a different path. Yes, you will see things you've never seen laid to film. You will see characters portrayed in ways you've only ever wished for, but like little timmy at his birthday party only ended up with tube socks. No more tube socks for you Timmy, this is a fucking three-story high killing robot from the future that you can use to demolish your school and impress your friends. Happy birthday Timmy, happy fucking birthday.

The Tale of the Black Coat

The proverbial pot is beginning to boil over, dear friends, and Angry Gary can’t keep the lid on it anymore!! GAHHHHH!!!!!

Today, my target is:

People that wear black winter coats.

For the record, no, I am not trying to seek out the largest demographic of people to alienate with my hateful rant, but it’s really starting to bother me how many people I see wearing the exact same black coat EVERYWHERE. I get onto my elevator, and it’s 6 guys in identical black winter coats. Oh, you’re so styling, oh, you’re so fucking unique you darkly-clad lemming! And then, why don’t we travel back in time to Stalin’s Russia since we’ll fit right in with everybody back there who walked around with identical coats on. I get it, the colour black (if you can call it a colour) goes with everything. I understand. But seek some variety in your styles people! If you only see the world in black(coat) and white(snow), then I guess that makes sense, but there are other options of black to choose from!

(Scene from a mall the other day)
“Uh, I’d like a ¾ length black coat with 4 3cm buttons up the front, please.”
“Um, yeah, you tripped over 7 of those just walking into the store, sir.”

It’s like walking into a Roots store and doing this:

“Uh, I’d like an article of clothing with the word Roots on it. Do you have that?”
Clerk punches that person in the face for being a fuckhead.


Brought to you by the coalition supporting grey pea coats.

Rock Band Review!

The following is my unbiased and totally honest review of Rock Band. For those of you that don’t know what Rock Band is, it’s basically guitar hero, but with drums and a mic added to the guitar/bass concept. For those of you that don’t know that game, please go fuck yourself.

That being said, THE GAMEPLAY consists of you starting a band, creating your character (you can change the sex/hair/body type/name/band name). You can have up to four players with you in the band of course, and then you pick your starting home city (London/Amsterdam/North American cities, etc) and you’re on your way. My name was Sir Guitar Rammer, but it wouldn’t fit on the screen, so I changed it to Dr. Stabs-a-Lot. The career is actually pretty involved, certainly moreso than guitar hero, you play local gigs, then buy a van so you can travel to other cities and so forth. It’s pretty fucking fun! GAMEPLAY – 9/10

THE SONGS in Rock Band are 10 times better than the guitar hero series. There are so many more songs we’ve actually listened to before, like garbage, yeah yeah yeahs, radiohead, nirvana, the clash and too many more. The song list is the best yet of these types of games, and there’s more coming out every week that you can download. I want the song “psycho killer” by the Talking Heads. SONG LIST – 9/10

THE GUITAR looks pretty cool, like a real fender from the 90’s, complete with effects switch and the wire coming out of the front of the body at an angle, just like a real friggin strat. It has the regular 5 buttons, but it also has the 5 buttons duplicated towards the body of the guitar, so you can solo up there if you’d like, since it will make girls swoon. And if you’re already a girl, you’ll swoon at yourself. But then you strap it on and start playing. And it all goes downhill from there. This guitar blows more than a windmill in Chicago. It sucks as well! Blows AND sucks, and that’s quite a feat. The buttons are unresponsive, the strummer doesn’t click, which I thought I could get used to, and thought would be better (aka, less noisy), the whammy bar feels likes its attached with twisty ties - it just all around doesn’t play well. I was missing notes that I KNOW I was hitting because the buttons started to stick a little bit. Quick fix – I went back to my guitar hero 3 guitar (which, unlike this rock band one, is wireless), and all was well. All your old GH guitars will work with this game, so no worries. GUITAR – 3/10

THE MIC was heavy, and sturdy feeling, and it was just that – a microphone. You sang into it and it translated your wailing into digital signals on screen, you know how those things work. Your pitch is measured (and judged) based on the song and the words scroll across as expected. Also, during parts where there aren’t a lot of vocals, it turns into a tambourine. Yes, like a fucking transformer. The only thing strange is that it’s a little stubby looking, but that’s more of an aesthetic preference. MIC – 9/10

THE DRUMS. Ooh boy. I set this thing up, sat down and it felt GOOD. Like I was back behind the skins again. OK, so I have been playing drums/percussion for 15 years now, and I would consider myself a professional. So I was a cocky punk, and picked the song “won’t get fooled again” by the Who. You know, the opening song to CSI: Miami. I also picked it on hard level. I figured hey, yeah, I can do this, piece of cake, go fuck yourself “The Who”. So the song starts, and let’s just say that the game bit my ass off, cooked it in a casserole and served it back to me. I fucking failed after 30 seconds! It really is nothing like playing drums. I mean sure, rhythm is integral, but after playing guitar hero for SO long, and being used to strumming notes on a guitar when seeing them come towards you on screen, it’s totally different playing the drum pads. Also, syncing the foot pedal was weird at first. So I tried “Maps” and got through it just fine, and after a couple songs I was used to the set, went back to The Who and kicked its ass – PAYBACK FUCK-HEADS!. A little bit of a learning curve on this one, but a very responsive set-up. DRUMS – 9/10

OVERALL SCORE – 9/10 (because I have a different guitar) Thanks for reading!