Ok, so I don’t really know a lot of people that watch TV, but here is my angry run-down of the pathetic fodder spread out for the masses to consume like the salivating dogs they are/I am.
SHOW: On The Lot
PREMISE: Film directors competing by making short films every week. At the end they get a job working in movies! Just like Jorge who cleans the set after Hasselhoff has vomited on it.
REVIEW: Moderately palatable. There are some people with actual talent here, but to leave their fate in the hands of people that greenlight movies like Norbit as well as the people that go to the theatre to see movies like Norbit is just unfortunate. Here, America, vote for the person you think is the most creative. Oh, what? You’re voting for the “Hot Guy”? Or the redneck that made a movie about making of fun of developmentally disabled people? Grade: 7 pretentious soul patches out of 10.
SHOW: America’s got Talent
PREMISE: America has no fucking talent, just a bunch of people swarming around the spotlight like gnats, then cry when they get shooed away by other wannabes.
REVIEW: The greatest thing about the show is the fact that these judges make fun of children. Seriously, they tell these 9 year olds they suck ass and should give up their dreams. It’s great, brutally honest, and often painful to watch. Grade: I give it 7 future years of therapy out of 10.
SHOW: Canadian Idol
PREMISE: Let’s idolize a fucking singer.
REVIEW: Yeah, then lets all forget about them a month later. Can someone name a past Canadian idol? Ok, maybe you can, nerdly, but can you also tell me where they are NOW serving drinks? Yeah, Canada, jump on board the nationalism and lets all bond – FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES. Grade: 3 washed up has-beens out of 10.
SHOW: Canada’s next top model
PREMISE: Promoting eating disorders.
REVIEW: Canada has models? Or top models? Last time I checked any model worth her fucking ribs sticking out of her chest has moved from Canada to NYC or Europe. If you’re wanting to be a model and you’re stuck in Canada, you’re not a fucking model. You’re working the beer tent at the Indy 500. Grade: 2 finely sliced pieces of celery out of 10. And then they throw the celery up.
SHOW: American inventor
PREMISE: 1 person invents something that saves babies. 24 people invent a fucking beer hat.
REVIEW: This show is fucking hilarious! I have a hardy laugh when people pour their money and hearts into inventing a shoe with a FUCKING CLOCK attached to it. You sold your house and your dog and your wife, and all you have to show for it is a ticking sneaker. That’s sad, and fucking funny as hell! Grade: 8 broken down homes out of 10.
SHOW: Hell’s Kitchen
PREMISE: Angry Scotsman swears at Americans, makes fat men openly weep.
REVIEW: Again, it’s a winning formula here. British person tells off Americans. Plus I think there’s food involved in this one. Some type of cooking competition. Best line: “This food tastes Balls-awful!” Grade: 7 fucking swear words out of fucking 10.
Phew, that’s it. In summary, two shows with the word “Canada” in the title and two shows with the word “America” in the title. And one about movies. Bleak viewing indeed. I see why I know people that don’t even own a TV. Stay tuned for Angry Gary's review of the "Summer Crapfest of Cinema"!
Friday, June 8, 2007
Monday, March 5, 2007
Bazooka-powered snowflakes attack!
Let me preface this tirade by saying that I work in media. I hold no general ill-will towards media in general, and my criticism of one faction of this large organization does not imply that I feel this way about any other aspects of it. Except for the fucking movie conglomerates. See a different blog.
That being said, I fucking hate those fear-selling alarmists that work for news outlets. For starters, I know it's worse in the U.S. than it is in Canada. I was watching a news broadcast from Seattle the other day, a live local newscast, and it may as well have been called the "Car Crash Hour with Jim Brewster and Katie Miller". Seriously, just reports of car crash after car crash. It nearly filled the entire news program. A fucking hour!
But I don't live in the U.S., and for now my attack will stay within the borders of my own country. Specifically directed at our local news outlets. Recently, we had a bout of cold weather, nothing terribly unusual for a country that's CONNECTED TO THE FUCKING ARCTIC. But no, the MAIN headlines (not the headlines on the weather page) of the website of a major broadcaster contained lines such as:
"It's here – a storm that is more terrifying than the movie poltergeist"
"weapons of mass weather system explodes over Toronto"
"Bullet-sized snow blankets city in terror"
And among my favorites:
"Murderous storm that killed in the U.S. will be here tomorrow to continue its rampage"
Those are actual quotes from various online and supposedly "respectable" news outlets. Even when the weather lifted and some warmth was on the horizon, the news story just changed to – "Don't get used to the warmer weather, the deadly cold will be back by the end of the week". Seriously. And it worked too. At work, people were freaking out to get home early. I was getting calls from friends and loved ones to come home immediately, as they feared for my safety. Thunder rolled in and several people in my office looked up to the ceiling and quivered. So their scare-tactics worked.
Of course, to anybody with any sense, this type of thing isnt a new or unusual idea. It's just sad that more people don't realize whats going on. That they buy into the fear. Fear sells, and they're moving it quicker than a black market Ipod at a Moroccan street vendor's stall. And I say, don't spend any rupees on it, just keep walking.
(Are there rupees in Morocco?)
That being said, I fucking hate those fear-selling alarmists that work for news outlets. For starters, I know it's worse in the U.S. than it is in Canada. I was watching a news broadcast from Seattle the other day, a live local newscast, and it may as well have been called the "Car Crash Hour with Jim Brewster and Katie Miller". Seriously, just reports of car crash after car crash. It nearly filled the entire news program. A fucking hour!
But I don't live in the U.S., and for now my attack will stay within the borders of my own country. Specifically directed at our local news outlets. Recently, we had a bout of cold weather, nothing terribly unusual for a country that's CONNECTED TO THE FUCKING ARCTIC. But no, the MAIN headlines (not the headlines on the weather page) of the website of a major broadcaster contained lines such as:
"It's here – a storm that is more terrifying than the movie poltergeist"
"weapons of mass weather system explodes over Toronto"
"Bullet-sized snow blankets city in terror"
And among my favorites:
"Murderous storm that killed in the U.S. will be here tomorrow to continue its rampage"
Those are actual quotes from various online and supposedly "respectable" news outlets. Even when the weather lifted and some warmth was on the horizon, the news story just changed to – "Don't get used to the warmer weather, the deadly cold will be back by the end of the week". Seriously. And it worked too. At work, people were freaking out to get home early. I was getting calls from friends and loved ones to come home immediately, as they feared for my safety. Thunder rolled in and several people in my office looked up to the ceiling and quivered. So their scare-tactics worked.
Of course, to anybody with any sense, this type of thing isnt a new or unusual idea. It's just sad that more people don't realize whats going on. That they buy into the fear. Fear sells, and they're moving it quicker than a black market Ipod at a Moroccan street vendor's stall. And I say, don't spend any rupees on it, just keep walking.
(Are there rupees in Morocco?)
Friday, February 23, 2007
Happy New Year - Time For Anger!
Another Title: "I'll Park Right On Top Of The Mayor!"
Look upon him for he hath awoken and with his rise brings much hate and anger, and thou should not fear his words, but heed them to the extreme.
It is 2007, so let me welcome you to this glorious year of the Pig! I chose to celebrate the Chinese New Year this year, so happy New Year! Ha ha, no I didn't, I've just been busy with work, so this is my first blog of 2007.
But what is bothering me these days? Hmmm. So many things. So many little things, and I think that's what it's all about. The little things that get you down, that make you swear, that make me shake my fist out my car window at all the jerks that are allowed to have licenses.
One strike I say! One strike and you're out! (of a drivers license). You cut someone off? License cut up! You drive to slow? Cut! You don't signal? Cut! Be forced to take the horrible transit service we have in this city! With our THREE subway lines and our sketchy smelly buses. You'll make more room on the road for me and my new auto, and you'll make me less angry in the process. It's win-win! (for me.) I don't LIKE that I'm polluting the environment with my gas guzzler, but around here I really see no other option. Give me a viable transit solution, you fat cats at city hall! Make our transit system better than one typically found in Scandanavia!
They are proposing a new law similar to the one they have in London, UK, where you have to pay a fee for entering the downtown core with your car. Not really a big deal for me, since I live here, but I do venture out into the suburbs now and again. The price for the privilege of returning to MY FUCKING HOME? $20. Every trip. And if you don't pay the SAME day the price goes up to like $60. Then if you don't pay the next day, it goes up to $240. What the flying fuck is that? This wont help anything except to line the coffers of our already coffer-lined city.
Maybe I should get a seg-way...Segway all over the mayor!!
Ultimate Master Top 5 2007 Prediction Hate List
5. Britney Spears – First the tattoo, then shaving your head, and ducking out of your much-needed rehab three times. Prediction: Britney is serving me my lunch at Denny's in 4 months, struggling to make ends meet, while K-Fed enjoys moderate success.
4. Fall-out Boy & similar bands – I'm not being an old coot when I say that your music is garbage and anybody that listens to it has no musical taste. Prediction: You'll have a "falling out" with your fans when they wake up and realize that you're all just what Swing music was in the late nineties - a terrible fad.
3. American Idol – just terrible, I really only watch for the obviously set-up auditions, so I'm done with it now, but the crop this year is a healthy mix of gas-station attendants and soup testers. Meaning they need to stick with their day job. Prediction: It's the #1 show on TV in the U.S., which is very telling about the U.S. Therefore, enjoy your many seasons to come, American Idol!
2. Deal or No Deal The Videogame – How do you take a game that requires no skill and is really just a bunch of random number picking and make it into a videogame? Be really popular in the U.S., that's how. Once again showing their truly refined taste for television, this game interpretation of the show is just that, and can be played cheaper with a hat and some numbers written on pieces of paper. Prediction: Producers say to Howie Mandel: "No Deal."
1. James Blunt in 2007 – I think my blogs have finally gotten through to you, since you've been under the radar lately. I heard you popped your head out of your hole and didn't see your shadow, meaning six more months without James Blunt. Sounds good. Prediction: OB-FUCKING-SCURITY!
FIN
Look upon him for he hath awoken and with his rise brings much hate and anger, and thou should not fear his words, but heed them to the extreme.
It is 2007, so let me welcome you to this glorious year of the Pig! I chose to celebrate the Chinese New Year this year, so happy New Year! Ha ha, no I didn't, I've just been busy with work, so this is my first blog of 2007.
But what is bothering me these days? Hmmm. So many things. So many little things, and I think that's what it's all about. The little things that get you down, that make you swear, that make me shake my fist out my car window at all the jerks that are allowed to have licenses.
One strike I say! One strike and you're out! (of a drivers license). You cut someone off? License cut up! You drive to slow? Cut! You don't signal? Cut! Be forced to take the horrible transit service we have in this city! With our THREE subway lines and our sketchy smelly buses. You'll make more room on the road for me and my new auto, and you'll make me less angry in the process. It's win-win! (for me.) I don't LIKE that I'm polluting the environment with my gas guzzler, but around here I really see no other option. Give me a viable transit solution, you fat cats at city hall! Make our transit system better than one typically found in Scandanavia!
They are proposing a new law similar to the one they have in London, UK, where you have to pay a fee for entering the downtown core with your car. Not really a big deal for me, since I live here, but I do venture out into the suburbs now and again. The price for the privilege of returning to MY FUCKING HOME? $20. Every trip. And if you don't pay the SAME day the price goes up to like $60. Then if you don't pay the next day, it goes up to $240. What the flying fuck is that? This wont help anything except to line the coffers of our already coffer-lined city.
Maybe I should get a seg-way...Segway all over the mayor!!
Ultimate Master Top 5 2007 Prediction Hate List
5. Britney Spears – First the tattoo, then shaving your head, and ducking out of your much-needed rehab three times. Prediction: Britney is serving me my lunch at Denny's in 4 months, struggling to make ends meet, while K-Fed enjoys moderate success.
4. Fall-out Boy & similar bands – I'm not being an old coot when I say that your music is garbage and anybody that listens to it has no musical taste. Prediction: You'll have a "falling out" with your fans when they wake up and realize that you're all just what Swing music was in the late nineties - a terrible fad.
3. American Idol – just terrible, I really only watch for the obviously set-up auditions, so I'm done with it now, but the crop this year is a healthy mix of gas-station attendants and soup testers. Meaning they need to stick with their day job. Prediction: It's the #1 show on TV in the U.S., which is very telling about the U.S. Therefore, enjoy your many seasons to come, American Idol!
2. Deal or No Deal The Videogame – How do you take a game that requires no skill and is really just a bunch of random number picking and make it into a videogame? Be really popular in the U.S., that's how. Once again showing their truly refined taste for television, this game interpretation of the show is just that, and can be played cheaper with a hat and some numbers written on pieces of paper. Prediction: Producers say to Howie Mandel: "No Deal."
1. James Blunt in 2007 – I think my blogs have finally gotten through to you, since you've been under the radar lately. I heard you popped your head out of your hole and didn't see your shadow, meaning six more months without James Blunt. Sounds good. Prediction: OB-FUCKING-SCURITY!
FIN
Monday, December 25, 2006
2007 should be better...
Ok, yeah, it's christmas, I get it. But that doesnt excuse you all from my ranting! I was actually considering retiring from blog writing, at least in the ranty-sense, since I don't like being perceived as someone who is just angry all the time. Like 90 minutes of Lewis Black on stage - it starts to feel more like a shtick than anything else. And things have been going great for me lately, I don't really get angry like I used to. EXCEPT SOMETIMES I DO!!
I watched a very popular television program tonight, one that I have never seen, but only judged harshly from afar. This program is called Deal or No Deal, and yes you've probably heard of it, or are maybe even a fan of it. Well, allow me to opine! How does a show that requires absolutely NO skill give away so much money? And don't come back at me and say "oh, it requires skill, at the end, where the person has to decide whether to accept the money or not!" That isnt skill, dingus! I found myself cheering for the person to win one penny! That would be so cool, and also a burn! This whole show is just an elaborate version of a game I made up when I was 7 called "Guess the Number". No, I didnt have slutty girls, and no I didnt have a huge production budget. And no, at that point Howie Mandel was at the peak of his career as the voice of "Gizmo" in the movie Gremlins, so he wasn't available. After you choose the case, really, you're just guessing. It's all luck! One of those drinking birds could play this game. I'd cheer for birdy. I would want him to win the million dollars. Merry Xmas.
Top 5 blog of hate - END OF 2006 EDITION!
5. Rosie Odonnel. (nobody cares about your damn opinions, you racist donut! Here's hoping 2007 finds you banned from television!)
4. Christina Ricci. (How are you going to be in that awful looking sam jackson movie? Where you're chained up? Just terrible! Here's hoping 2007 finds you picking better movies!)
3. Tyra Banks. (The world will be a better place when you go crazy and take a religious sabatical in remote indonesia, no more panty parties! Here's hoping 2007 finds you living in a mud-slide ridden shanty-town!)
2. House of Carters (wow, terrible, my life has been wasted watching one episode of this show. Here's an idea for a reality show, take my dirty socks and put them in a mansion. Guaranteed ratings hit! Here's hoping 2007 finds you and the Backstreet Boys reaching the top of the charts once again!)
1. James Blunt in 2006 (you were voted #1 most irritating artist of 2006! yay! I agree completely with that award, except for the part about you being an "artist". Oh well, here's hoping 2007 delivers you the piping hot slice of obscurity you deserve. Watch out for me if I have a knife and agenda!)
I watched a very popular television program tonight, one that I have never seen, but only judged harshly from afar. This program is called Deal or No Deal, and yes you've probably heard of it, or are maybe even a fan of it. Well, allow me to opine! How does a show that requires absolutely NO skill give away so much money? And don't come back at me and say "oh, it requires skill, at the end, where the person has to decide whether to accept the money or not!" That isnt skill, dingus! I found myself cheering for the person to win one penny! That would be so cool, and also a burn! This whole show is just an elaborate version of a game I made up when I was 7 called "Guess the Number". No, I didnt have slutty girls, and no I didnt have a huge production budget. And no, at that point Howie Mandel was at the peak of his career as the voice of "Gizmo" in the movie Gremlins, so he wasn't available. After you choose the case, really, you're just guessing. It's all luck! One of those drinking birds could play this game. I'd cheer for birdy. I would want him to win the million dollars. Merry Xmas.
Top 5 blog of hate - END OF 2006 EDITION!
5. Rosie Odonnel. (nobody cares about your damn opinions, you racist donut! Here's hoping 2007 finds you banned from television!)
4. Christina Ricci. (How are you going to be in that awful looking sam jackson movie? Where you're chained up? Just terrible! Here's hoping 2007 finds you picking better movies!)
3. Tyra Banks. (The world will be a better place when you go crazy and take a religious sabatical in remote indonesia, no more panty parties! Here's hoping 2007 finds you living in a mud-slide ridden shanty-town!)
2. House of Carters (wow, terrible, my life has been wasted watching one episode of this show. Here's an idea for a reality show, take my dirty socks and put them in a mansion. Guaranteed ratings hit! Here's hoping 2007 finds you and the Backstreet Boys reaching the top of the charts once again!)
1. James Blunt in 2006 (you were voted #1 most irritating artist of 2006! yay! I agree completely with that award, except for the part about you being an "artist". Oh well, here's hoping 2007 delivers you the piping hot slice of obscurity you deserve. Watch out for me if I have a knife and agenda!)
Sunday, December 10, 2006
It's a two-fer of Hate!
I..m seeing double! A double Blog of Hate!
Ok, usually I wait a few weeks to write a damn blog, until the anger builds up too much that I need an outlet to vent. But not tonight, dear reader. This blog is about fucking people that stare at other peoples business. That's right, you heard me right.
It could be somewhere simple, like the bank, or somewhere else, like on the street that you're driving on, but I need to vent this or its going to build up and make my head explode if I don't let you all know what it is that bothers me alot. Yes, it is people that stare at other people and their business.
Why do people need to pry on other peoples business? Their conversations? Their personal issues? Is it possibly because their lives are so butt-fuck boring that any sort of conversation overheard by them of strangers at least provides some sort of primal amusement that watching fourteen episodes of "my sweet sixteen" just can't offer? I was in the bank today, and there was a lineup of 10 people. With two tellers. So somebody walks up to the manager and starts talking to her about something to do with banking, so she wouldn..t have to wait in line to find out that same info. And like 5 people turn and just stare and glare and listen to the conversation, to find out what she's talking about, because their lives are obviously so fucking lame that they need SOME sort of external issues to process in their pee-brains in order to feel stimulated. Maybe these people don't have lives. maybe they don't have cable. i don't know, I really don't. But how about you just let these people deal with their own fucking problems. how about you don't bud your big-ass nose into other peoples business?
The same applies for those rubber-necking-slowing-me-down fuckheads on the highway that slow down to look at accidents in the oncoming lanes. I know - this is a common complaint, but it falls under the same category. I am so sick of this shit. I really want to ram my car into the back of them, giving them whiplash that they would feel for life for being such asses. Rubber neck? Then it shouldn..t hurt when I run my car into yours for slowing down because someone is STALLED on the side of the damn highway. Go home and fucking watch SPEED or something, if you'd really like a "tragedy" fix.
Get a life - all of those people that find some sort of pleasure in peering into the business of others. You need one, you fucking wank bags. FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm so angry.
But I'm calm now. ahh..
Except I..m not! Because this has just turned into a two-fer combo blog of hate. Here..s my theory. We never landed on the moon. Ever. It was all a hoax. Forget what you think about conspiracy theories and all that crap, here are the facts. We apparently landed on the moon at the end of the 1960..s. Now NASA is saying that it..ll take 20 years to get back to landing on the moon again. 20 years. FROM NOW. 50 YEARS after landing on the moon. We have better technology. More money. We should be able to do it again. Why don..t we? Oh wait, its because with today..s information exchange the government couldn..t pull of a hoax of that magnitude. If I met Neil Armstrong, I would punch him in the face. And kick neil Armstrong in the junk. Merry Christmas.
Top 5 dealy
5 .. jerks with wireless headsets for their cellphones. (fuck you!)
4 .. jerks with big SUV's (way to over-compensate for your lack of a penis. Fuck you)
3 .. jerks with hot girlfriends above their league. (way to fool her into that, jerk!)
2 .. jerks that realize that women like jerks (way to exploit that, jerks!)
1 .. jerks that names start with J and end with ..ames blunt... (My company is up and running now, and our objectives are painfully clear. Your days are numbered fuckwad.)
Ok, usually I wait a few weeks to write a damn blog, until the anger builds up too much that I need an outlet to vent. But not tonight, dear reader. This blog is about fucking people that stare at other peoples business. That's right, you heard me right.
It could be somewhere simple, like the bank, or somewhere else, like on the street that you're driving on, but I need to vent this or its going to build up and make my head explode if I don't let you all know what it is that bothers me alot. Yes, it is people that stare at other people and their business.
Why do people need to pry on other peoples business? Their conversations? Their personal issues? Is it possibly because their lives are so butt-fuck boring that any sort of conversation overheard by them of strangers at least provides some sort of primal amusement that watching fourteen episodes of "my sweet sixteen" just can't offer? I was in the bank today, and there was a lineup of 10 people. With two tellers. So somebody walks up to the manager and starts talking to her about something to do with banking, so she wouldn..t have to wait in line to find out that same info. And like 5 people turn and just stare and glare and listen to the conversation, to find out what she's talking about, because their lives are obviously so fucking lame that they need SOME sort of external issues to process in their pee-brains in order to feel stimulated. Maybe these people don't have lives. maybe they don't have cable. i don't know, I really don't. But how about you just let these people deal with their own fucking problems. how about you don't bud your big-ass nose into other peoples business?
The same applies for those rubber-necking-slowing-me-down fuckheads on the highway that slow down to look at accidents in the oncoming lanes. I know - this is a common complaint, but it falls under the same category. I am so sick of this shit. I really want to ram my car into the back of them, giving them whiplash that they would feel for life for being such asses. Rubber neck? Then it shouldn..t hurt when I run my car into yours for slowing down because someone is STALLED on the side of the damn highway. Go home and fucking watch SPEED or something, if you'd really like a "tragedy" fix.
Get a life - all of those people that find some sort of pleasure in peering into the business of others. You need one, you fucking wank bags. FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm so angry.
But I'm calm now. ahh..
Except I..m not! Because this has just turned into a two-fer combo blog of hate. Here..s my theory. We never landed on the moon. Ever. It was all a hoax. Forget what you think about conspiracy theories and all that crap, here are the facts. We apparently landed on the moon at the end of the 1960..s. Now NASA is saying that it..ll take 20 years to get back to landing on the moon again. 20 years. FROM NOW. 50 YEARS after landing on the moon. We have better technology. More money. We should be able to do it again. Why don..t we? Oh wait, its because with today..s information exchange the government couldn..t pull of a hoax of that magnitude. If I met Neil Armstrong, I would punch him in the face. And kick neil Armstrong in the junk. Merry Christmas.
Top 5 dealy
5 .. jerks with wireless headsets for their cellphones. (fuck you!)
4 .. jerks with big SUV's (way to over-compensate for your lack of a penis. Fuck you)
3 .. jerks with hot girlfriends above their league. (way to fool her into that, jerk!)
2 .. jerks that realize that women like jerks (way to exploit that, jerks!)
1 .. jerks that names start with J and end with ..ames blunt... (My company is up and running now, and our objectives are painfully clear. Your days are numbered fuckwad.)
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Theatre employee average age - 11.
Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby – and have ourselves a snack! That's right dear reader, yours truly decided to switch off the television and head out to our grand 16-theatre multiplex to soak in the 20 x 20' screen and 7-dimensional sound that is the modern day "movie-going" experience. Plus, I had two free passes!
We get there and since it is the early afternoon, there aren't too many people. That's good, as I always say, since the worst part about going out in public is..well…the people. Just a few hungover nightclubbers and a several screaming kids populated this 5 story mega-theatre-opolis, but luckily we weren't going to see a kids movie (Happy Feet), but instead a decidedly anti-kid movie (Borat). The idiocy starts when we get our movie tickets. The attendant screws up our ticket order! I suppose "Borat" and "Bobby" are similar-sounding, in that they both start with the letter "B" and have two syllables, but still. Close brush with seeing a political charged film aside, we proceed up the five story escalator to get some food. Should be simple, right? Wrong, some pimply-faced ass-hat behind the counter finds my order of ONE item too confusing, and proceeds to screw it up, slothing enough gravy on my poutine to feed the entire nation of Kazahkstan.
"Ok, the movie hasn't started yet, Gary, stop seething, lets just go into the theatre", I tremble to myself.
We enter the half empty theatre, find an empty row (with empty rows above and below us) and plop ourselves down in the center to enjoy the fine art-house film they are about to unspool. Right before the movie starts though, two other wank-bats decide to sit down directly behind us. Ok, that's ok, not so bad, it's better than kicking kids. I was wrong.
As the movie begins, one of them begins laughing at EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING he sees on the screen, everything from the fact that the villagers of Borat's hometown in Kazakstan have moustaches to the fact that there is rubble everywhere. Perhaps my comedic sensibilities are overly refined, but I do not see a reason to fucking scream like a whale being choked at every fucking thing in the movie that could ever be remotely funny to anybody. Hey, buddy, have you ever heard of comedy before? Have you just regained your hearing after a life of being deaf and are currently experiencing every single funny entendre and allusion for the first time? Possibly. That is what I think.
I hate movie-going. Fuck you movie conglomerates for perpetrating that we need to subject ourselves to $14 popcorn and $7 pepsi, as if the more I spend will somehow enhance the fact that your theaters stink like Italian dressing and the floors are sticker than a butter factory that was then converted into a bathhouse. Movie rating - A-. Movie Going Experience Rating - A for "abysmal"
Top 5 Hate list – November 2006 edition
5. Michael Richards. (On a fame level of 1-10, before last weeks rant you were at about a 2, and that's being generous. Now, you're like negative 17. Plus you look really old now. Put down the pitchfork dude, and the crack rock!)
4. Lucas Rossi. (I know you read my blog you jackass, and you suck so many different balls at once I don't know whether to enter you in the annual meatball eating contest or set you up with my friend Antoine. You're like an animal that they test makeup on, except they have more personality.)
3. The War on Christmas. (ok, I'm not religious, but I really am getting pissed about them changing it to a "holiday party" and a "holiday tree". What the fuck is that? Everyone knows Christmas isn't about religion. It's about Santa and a loving family huddled around a warm Playstation 3. Grow a pair, world!)
2. David Fucking Blaine. (How about this for an endurance stunt? We launch you into space without a spacesuit, and you see how long you can hold your breath. Work your magic, floating man, work your "magic"!)
1. James Blunt. (You are a sappy little bitch with whiny lyrics and vocal chords that sound like they've been pinched by pliers. But I've said that before. Your very aura and soul make me question whether there is a kind higher power, or whether Satan is actually in charge. But I've said that before as well. So I started my own company, and you can find the info in the "company" section of my page. Through our hard work and dedication, we will eradicate the scourge that is your existence and achieve our goal of a blunt-free society. Onwards, anti-blunt soldiers, onwards!!!)
We get there and since it is the early afternoon, there aren't too many people. That's good, as I always say, since the worst part about going out in public is..well…the people. Just a few hungover nightclubbers and a several screaming kids populated this 5 story mega-theatre-opolis, but luckily we weren't going to see a kids movie (Happy Feet), but instead a decidedly anti-kid movie (Borat). The idiocy starts when we get our movie tickets. The attendant screws up our ticket order! I suppose "Borat" and "Bobby" are similar-sounding, in that they both start with the letter "B" and have two syllables, but still. Close brush with seeing a political charged film aside, we proceed up the five story escalator to get some food. Should be simple, right? Wrong, some pimply-faced ass-hat behind the counter finds my order of ONE item too confusing, and proceeds to screw it up, slothing enough gravy on my poutine to feed the entire nation of Kazahkstan.
"Ok, the movie hasn't started yet, Gary, stop seething, lets just go into the theatre", I tremble to myself.
We enter the half empty theatre, find an empty row (with empty rows above and below us) and plop ourselves down in the center to enjoy the fine art-house film they are about to unspool. Right before the movie starts though, two other wank-bats decide to sit down directly behind us. Ok, that's ok, not so bad, it's better than kicking kids. I was wrong.
As the movie begins, one of them begins laughing at EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING he sees on the screen, everything from the fact that the villagers of Borat's hometown in Kazakstan have moustaches to the fact that there is rubble everywhere. Perhaps my comedic sensibilities are overly refined, but I do not see a reason to fucking scream like a whale being choked at every fucking thing in the movie that could ever be remotely funny to anybody. Hey, buddy, have you ever heard of comedy before? Have you just regained your hearing after a life of being deaf and are currently experiencing every single funny entendre and allusion for the first time? Possibly. That is what I think.
I hate movie-going. Fuck you movie conglomerates for perpetrating that we need to subject ourselves to $14 popcorn and $7 pepsi, as if the more I spend will somehow enhance the fact that your theaters stink like Italian dressing and the floors are sticker than a butter factory that was then converted into a bathhouse. Movie rating - A-. Movie Going Experience Rating - A for "abysmal"
Top 5 Hate list – November 2006 edition
5. Michael Richards. (On a fame level of 1-10, before last weeks rant you were at about a 2, and that's being generous. Now, you're like negative 17. Plus you look really old now. Put down the pitchfork dude, and the crack rock!)
4. Lucas Rossi. (I know you read my blog you jackass, and you suck so many different balls at once I don't know whether to enter you in the annual meatball eating contest or set you up with my friend Antoine. You're like an animal that they test makeup on, except they have more personality.)
3. The War on Christmas. (ok, I'm not religious, but I really am getting pissed about them changing it to a "holiday party" and a "holiday tree". What the fuck is that? Everyone knows Christmas isn't about religion. It's about Santa and a loving family huddled around a warm Playstation 3. Grow a pair, world!)
2. David Fucking Blaine. (How about this for an endurance stunt? We launch you into space without a spacesuit, and you see how long you can hold your breath. Work your magic, floating man, work your "magic"!)
1. James Blunt. (You are a sappy little bitch with whiny lyrics and vocal chords that sound like they've been pinched by pliers. But I've said that before. Your very aura and soul make me question whether there is a kind higher power, or whether Satan is actually in charge. But I've said that before as well. So I started my own company, and you can find the info in the "company" section of my page. Through our hard work and dedication, we will eradicate the scourge that is your existence and achieve our goal of a blunt-free society. Onwards, anti-blunt soldiers, onwards!!!)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Graduation! (AKA: School is a Fraud)
So I had the day off today to attend my graduation. Yes, dear reader, yours truly has donned the mortarboard hat and the silken gown and walked down the aisle to receive the lambskin parchment that is apparently the truest representation of achievement in this crazy world.
Haha, fuck that! There was no hat, the gown smelled like a mixture between sweat and Italian dressing from the previous ceremony that morning, and all we got was a piece of paper. We all get in line, and when we got on stage they gave us this piece of paper with nothing on it so we would stick around for the whole ceremony. There were 1500 people graduating, in alphabetical order. I guess they did it so that Zoltan Zumeni would have somewhat of an audience as the 2 hour ceremony wound to a close. They didn't open the room that held the REAL diplomas until the whole thing was over. People left anyway, lining up outside this room, ready to bust in, grab their paper and bust out. Or at least that's what I was ready to do. But no, of course it didn't go so smoothly. We had to fill out an "alumni card", where you had to put your name/address/phone number/where you work. Now I knew about this before hand and filled in Alex's phone number. Plus I put my address as 123 Fake St. Those bastards are never going to hunt me down for some contribution in the future.
Schools are all big frauds because of this. They have you pay inordinate amounts of money while you go there, then expect for you to stick out your teet for them to suckle off of for the rest of your life. Plan on being successful? Don't let them know, or they'll send their goons after you, because legally there are allowed to hold you upside down and shake you and keep whatever falls out of your pockets. I'm glad school is over!
FUCK YOU ZOLTAN!
Top 5 Ultimate "Its been a hatin month!" Hate List
5. P-Diddy – (Dude, you're a total fraud. People probably look at you and say, what do you do again? And then you say "I remind people about Biggie", and then they say "oh yeah.")
4. Madonna – (She's a child thief! Get her! She's easy to spot with her fake-ass British accent!)
3. Guy from My Chemical Romance – (The kid from Children of the Corn grew up and is now spewing screamo instead of terror in a small town)
2. Fab-oh-loose (because that's how you spell your name. It's like calling yourself "mailman" but spelling it "quailman". Stop perpetuating poor spellin!)
1. James Blunt (lets see, what's in the news about this guy…lets see…Someone referred to his song as the next winner in the playschool "My First Song" contest. Yeah, I like that, that sounds right. Please die.)
Haha, fuck that! There was no hat, the gown smelled like a mixture between sweat and Italian dressing from the previous ceremony that morning, and all we got was a piece of paper. We all get in line, and when we got on stage they gave us this piece of paper with nothing on it so we would stick around for the whole ceremony. There were 1500 people graduating, in alphabetical order. I guess they did it so that Zoltan Zumeni would have somewhat of an audience as the 2 hour ceremony wound to a close. They didn't open the room that held the REAL diplomas until the whole thing was over. People left anyway, lining up outside this room, ready to bust in, grab their paper and bust out. Or at least that's what I was ready to do. But no, of course it didn't go so smoothly. We had to fill out an "alumni card", where you had to put your name/address/phone number/where you work. Now I knew about this before hand and filled in Alex's phone number. Plus I put my address as 123 Fake St. Those bastards are never going to hunt me down for some contribution in the future.
Schools are all big frauds because of this. They have you pay inordinate amounts of money while you go there, then expect for you to stick out your teet for them to suckle off of for the rest of your life. Plan on being successful? Don't let them know, or they'll send their goons after you, because legally there are allowed to hold you upside down and shake you and keep whatever falls out of your pockets. I'm glad school is over!
FUCK YOU ZOLTAN!
Top 5 Ultimate "Its been a hatin month!" Hate List
5. P-Diddy – (Dude, you're a total fraud. People probably look at you and say, what do you do again? And then you say "I remind people about Biggie", and then they say "oh yeah.")
4. Madonna – (She's a child thief! Get her! She's easy to spot with her fake-ass British accent!)
3. Guy from My Chemical Romance – (The kid from Children of the Corn grew up and is now spewing screamo instead of terror in a small town)
2. Fab-oh-loose (because that's how you spell your name. It's like calling yourself "mailman" but spelling it "quailman". Stop perpetuating poor spellin!)
1. James Blunt (lets see, what's in the news about this guy…lets see…Someone referred to his song as the next winner in the playschool "My First Song" contest. Yeah, I like that, that sounds right. Please die.)
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