You know really what grinds my gears this week? The fucking MTV VMAs. Now, youre probably sitting there in your fancy, leather-bound chair, smoking from your old-timey pipe and saying Hey, Gary! If you dont like the VMAs, why dont you just change the channel? And to that I say my remote ran out of batteries again, jerk! Also, shut up.
First of all, lets chat about thin celebrities. Oh god! Is Bulemia the new thing in Hollywood? Keira Knightly used to look like a chick, then I turned around to get a beer, then I returned, and all of a sudden she looks like shes escaped from a high-school science class! Are we supposed to subscribe to this theory? Are young girls and possibly guys looking at this, then looking at their own pud, then striving for that body image? Or how about Nicole Richie, and how if she hosted a Save the African Children commercial, I wouldnt be able to tell her apart from those starving children - what with her fake-ass tan and her hey, check out my rib-bone cocky attitude. Fuck that. Refer to my previous blog about the fashion industry for a continuing rant about this whole debacle.
Secondly, whats with the crappy music? I have nothing against hip-hop and its perpetuation of bling and other bling-related stereotypes, but give me a break! How stupid are people to believe that they can or will ever actually achieve this level of wealth? Pretty stupid it seems, since I see homeless people on the street wearing sean john t-shirts. Youre asking me for a dollar? Fucking sell that shirt and youll eat for a damn month! And there was like two rock acts! And those rock acts sucked large! The only redeeming quality of music during the whole night was The Raconteurs, and even they were relegated to playing during the commercials! They would get cut off after 15 seconds of music, and we would return from the break to hear the last 10 seconds of whatever song they were playing!! Whats that all about? That was the best band thats ever been on the VMAs ever! And dont get me started on The Killers. If that guy took off his eye makeup, hed look like the Unabomber. A Mormon Unabomber. I hate that guy so much, he really does suck when he sings live. Its like that Simpsons episode where Bart and friends form a boy-band. But they have this machine that makes them sound like real singers. Except the guy from the Killers always forgets to turn on the machine when they perform live. I HATE MY MTV!!!
Plus, MTV Canada sucks all different parts of ass, its like the worst channel in the history of the universe. Heres a tip get some people with some fucking talent on your show. Yeah, Im really interested in hearing what these people have to say about the current American-produced fluff they have on air. They act like its a little silly and all that, and that the people on the show currently on are airheads. Hows that for irony shoved right up your ass? Youre fucking making fun of the show that YOUR CHANNEL is airing!! Its your channel! YOU ARE ALL CULPABLE!!!!
Ultimate Top 5 Hate List 59th Edition
5. Lucas from Rockstar Supernova. (I heard you were already chosen. If you took off YOUR eye makeup, youd look like the guy that cleans the lint out of dryers at your local Laundromat.)
4. P-Diddy. (Hes discovered myspace, and hes posted a video of him urinating and proclaiming it the greatest thing since sex. Stay tuned for my next blog/expose: P-Diddy has never had sex ever.)
3. Tom Cruise (This whack-job apologized to brooke shields for calling her loco. I say, she shouldve refused his apology, hung him by his legs over a cliff, and told him that he shouldnt worry if she dropped him, for his scientology spaceship would swoop in at the last moment and save his sorry ass.)
2. Geri Halliwell. (You child was abused? Really? Ooh thats not a good thing, for any child. Oh wait, what? You didnt leave her with a family member? Oh, you left her with a member of your staff Yeah, heres a tip, HOW ABOUT YOU BE AN COMPETENT MOTHER and dont leave your fucking child with some idiot employee!)
1. MTV Video Awards. (You gave James Blunt two awards? Well fuck, why dont you just walk out to the street, pick up a piece of dog shit and give it two awards? Or how about you climb the side of a building, slide your finger along one of the exterior window sills, then give the car exhaust your finger picks up two awards? Because Id be more accepting of either of those scenarios.)
Sunday, September 3, 2006
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Wedding Hilarity!
Summer is drawing to its close, leaves are falling off the trees. Students are contemplating their futures. So what season is it? FUCKING WEDDING SEASON. Seriously, there are 57 weddings in August and September that I'm invited to. Mostly by people I don't really know that well. But no matter, I went to a delightful ceremony/reception combo on Sunday this past. My sister and I decided to go, it was our family, who have always been nice to us, and we knew we would have a good time. So my sister calls me up 3 hours before we're supposed to leave and the conversation goes like this:
Liz - "You know this is a dry wedding, right?"
Gary - "Is this fucking North Dakota?"
Liz - "I'll pick you up some wine."
I didnt even know there were such things as dry weddings. I thought it was an old wives tale, like polio or legitimate chiropracters. So in any case, she supplied the wine, I supplied the empty water bottle for the wine. Oh and she brought a flask of Jack for herself. We go, attend the ceremony, it was beautiful. Then afterwards, before the reception, we head back to the car to stock up. I fill my 500ml water bottle from a 750ml white wine bottle. it looked like urine. She took a picture of me drinking it in the backseat. I tried to drink more from the bottle before going in, and I did as much as I could. So I hide the water bottle, her flask, the camera, my glasses case, my keys, and my phone in the various pockets of my suit. We head in casually, and nobody paid notice that I looked like I was shoplifting from walmart. We sit down, everything is cool and we enjoy the night away at our table, laughing and drinking. We get to talking to some of the other people at our table, who are complaining about it being a dry wedding. So I proclaim "BAM!" and pull out the flask in front of everyone (8 people) at the table. They're cool with it, and a couple of people pass their half-glass of coke around for a topper. Everyone's having a good time now. THEN it gets interesting!
My sister and I finish our booze, and then I get the bright idea that we should pretend like its wedding crashers. She agrees to be Owen Wilson, and I'm Vince Vaughn, and we saunter upstairs. Oh, I forgot to mention there's three other weddings going on at this place, on different floors, and the one we happened upon first had an open bar. So we walk up casually, order two glasses of wine and start making fake chit-chat about the wedding. We walk over to where the wedding is, and we see people are eating, so we can't just walk in and stand around. The fucking bartender comes up to us (he's on to us!) and asks us if we need help finding our seat. By the seat of my pants I come up with some convoluted story about how "my mother doesnt approve of me drinking, and I'm just trying to avoid her tonight." he seems to buy this story and walks away. But my sister gets a bad feeling, so with wine glass in hand, we bolt back downstairs to OUR wedding. But because they arent serving alcohol there, we cant just walk back in, so we're at the bottom of the stairs, hanging out and drinking our wine as fast as we can. I get the brilliant idea to pour the wine into the now empty flask, but my attempt is futile and i spill some of it on a radiator. We get nervous, down the rest of the wine, and walk casually back in to the wedding. BY CASUALLY I MEAN DRUNK. So we're there, and this same fucking bartender comes downstairs to find us!! He starts grinning at me, so I just go up to him and shake his hand and smile and say "hey man, its cool, you know how it is", and again he seems placated by this. Then i go up to the bar (our bar that was serving no booze) and ask for an empty rock glass with some ice. THAT bartender (a different bartender) asks me what I'm going to use it for, and asks me if I'm going to try to go back upstairs again. I just look at him funny and say I'm using the glass for the water that's now warm because its been sitting on our table all night. He seems to buy this, so i go back and pour the rest of the flask wine into the glass, which has now turned into a disgusting mixture of Jack Daniels and White Wine. Gross, but drinkable. Then I don't remember what happened. i didnt drive home. But I got home somehow. THE END. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE KIDS!
Gary's Super Duper "where the fuck am I?" Lazy Top 5 hate list
5. Rockstar "Supernova" - Dudes, you're all fucking dinosaurs, your music wont be played anywhere except on MTV, since conglomerates like to cluster fuck one another. Enjoy your descent into mediocrity.
4. Britney Spears - You're a tool. That video that's going around shows you for what you are - that you put on a normal sounding accent when you talk to the press to cover up the fact that you got kicked out of your trailer park for being too trashy.
3. TV Fall lineup - Here's a tip, how about a show about a wise-ass lawyer with a busty female assistant? or how about another show that has a story arc that people wont be able to find out if the show gets cancelled after 5 weeks? Oh wait, you are making those shows. KUDOS, you fucks.
2. Hell's Kitchen - Gordon Ramsey, you're so banging that losing contestant. If she won, it wouldve been brought to light. So you made her lose, so you could keep her on the side. At least you swear alot, that I fucking respect.
1. Fred Flinstone - You were the first user/inventor of the "Rock Gun" (litteraly a gun that shoots rocks at people). Now james "i want my privacy" blunt has bought one of these guns to use against "obsessive fans" crowding outside his new home in Ibiza. Seriously, that isnt a joke. Next he's going to buy a car that is powered with his foot and a pet cat that's actually a big-ass tiger. Then I hope the tiger eats his face.
Liz - "You know this is a dry wedding, right?"
Gary - "Is this fucking North Dakota?"
Liz - "I'll pick you up some wine."
I didnt even know there were such things as dry weddings. I thought it was an old wives tale, like polio or legitimate chiropracters. So in any case, she supplied the wine, I supplied the empty water bottle for the wine. Oh and she brought a flask of Jack for herself. We go, attend the ceremony, it was beautiful. Then afterwards, before the reception, we head back to the car to stock up. I fill my 500ml water bottle from a 750ml white wine bottle. it looked like urine. She took a picture of me drinking it in the backseat. I tried to drink more from the bottle before going in, and I did as much as I could. So I hide the water bottle, her flask, the camera, my glasses case, my keys, and my phone in the various pockets of my suit. We head in casually, and nobody paid notice that I looked like I was shoplifting from walmart. We sit down, everything is cool and we enjoy the night away at our table, laughing and drinking. We get to talking to some of the other people at our table, who are complaining about it being a dry wedding. So I proclaim "BAM!" and pull out the flask in front of everyone (8 people) at the table. They're cool with it, and a couple of people pass their half-glass of coke around for a topper. Everyone's having a good time now. THEN it gets interesting!
My sister and I finish our booze, and then I get the bright idea that we should pretend like its wedding crashers. She agrees to be Owen Wilson, and I'm Vince Vaughn, and we saunter upstairs. Oh, I forgot to mention there's three other weddings going on at this place, on different floors, and the one we happened upon first had an open bar. So we walk up casually, order two glasses of wine and start making fake chit-chat about the wedding. We walk over to where the wedding is, and we see people are eating, so we can't just walk in and stand around. The fucking bartender comes up to us (he's on to us!) and asks us if we need help finding our seat. By the seat of my pants I come up with some convoluted story about how "my mother doesnt approve of me drinking, and I'm just trying to avoid her tonight." he seems to buy this story and walks away. But my sister gets a bad feeling, so with wine glass in hand, we bolt back downstairs to OUR wedding. But because they arent serving alcohol there, we cant just walk back in, so we're at the bottom of the stairs, hanging out and drinking our wine as fast as we can. I get the brilliant idea to pour the wine into the now empty flask, but my attempt is futile and i spill some of it on a radiator. We get nervous, down the rest of the wine, and walk casually back in to the wedding. BY CASUALLY I MEAN DRUNK. So we're there, and this same fucking bartender comes downstairs to find us!! He starts grinning at me, so I just go up to him and shake his hand and smile and say "hey man, its cool, you know how it is", and again he seems placated by this. Then i go up to the bar (our bar that was serving no booze) and ask for an empty rock glass with some ice. THAT bartender (a different bartender) asks me what I'm going to use it for, and asks me if I'm going to try to go back upstairs again. I just look at him funny and say I'm using the glass for the water that's now warm because its been sitting on our table all night. He seems to buy this, so i go back and pour the rest of the flask wine into the glass, which has now turned into a disgusting mixture of Jack Daniels and White Wine. Gross, but drinkable. Then I don't remember what happened. i didnt drive home. But I got home somehow. THE END. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE KIDS!
Gary's Super Duper "where the fuck am I?" Lazy Top 5 hate list
5. Rockstar "Supernova" - Dudes, you're all fucking dinosaurs, your music wont be played anywhere except on MTV, since conglomerates like to cluster fuck one another. Enjoy your descent into mediocrity.
4. Britney Spears - You're a tool. That video that's going around shows you for what you are - that you put on a normal sounding accent when you talk to the press to cover up the fact that you got kicked out of your trailer park for being too trashy.
3. TV Fall lineup - Here's a tip, how about a show about a wise-ass lawyer with a busty female assistant? or how about another show that has a story arc that people wont be able to find out if the show gets cancelled after 5 weeks? Oh wait, you are making those shows. KUDOS, you fucks.
2. Hell's Kitchen - Gordon Ramsey, you're so banging that losing contestant. If she won, it wouldve been brought to light. So you made her lose, so you could keep her on the side. At least you swear alot, that I fucking respect.
1. Fred Flinstone - You were the first user/inventor of the "Rock Gun" (litteraly a gun that shoots rocks at people). Now james "i want my privacy" blunt has bought one of these guns to use against "obsessive fans" crowding outside his new home in Ibiza. Seriously, that isnt a joke. Next he's going to buy a car that is powered with his foot and a pet cat that's actually a big-ass tiger. Then I hope the tiger eats his face.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
America Has No Taste!
Im calling you out, America. You have no taste. You wouldn't know taste if you munched down on a sour ball that I set on fire! Case in point: Americas Got Talent. Yes, I know, I shouldnt be wasting my evenings watching what is now the #1 show in America, but since I work in the field I must see what all the fuss is about. Ha ha, fuck that I just watch it for the magicians girls.
For those who dont know, a primer: Its a show about finding talented people. They can do anything they want - juggle, sing, magic, rapping granny (seriously shes in the running to win). And theres three judges like every single other fucking talent show out there. David hasselhoff (wheres KITT?), Brandy (the washed up singer) and this British guy named Piers Morgan. (more on him in a moment).
So Im watching this show and have officially come to the conclusion that Americans are EASILY impressed. A guy juggled, and the crowd started fucking salivating and cheering everywhere. Either this entire audience is hitting the heavy narcotics or the footage of the audience cheering is from some other performance from a different show entirely. And leading the charge are the most fucking groveling judges Brandy and Hasselhoff. Its like theyve never seen anybody perform anything in their lives ever before, as they cheer everybody that goes up on stage! Its all the boot licking that really grates my canary. As for the third judge, it seems like a prerequisite for any talent competition is to have a British judge that can be critical and honest but still be portrayed as the bad guy and be constantly booed by the audience of slack jawed yokels. He must be getting paid a hefty sum to have to put up with that crap. Its not like hes being rude, but everyone gets offended when he tells a 12 year old girl that she needs to work on her singing. Shes fucking 12! She handled the criticism well, but everyone in the audience goes right up his ass, telling him to go back to England!
Hey! Look at me, America! I can sever my thumb! Give me the million dollars, jerks!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 147th Edition
5. MySpace - What am I paying for? For you to have a power outage? Fuck that, heres a tip, how about you have separate back-up sites like any other large company in the world!
4. Movie Theatres - Walking into a movie theatre, you gotta love putting down 12 bucks when the rank, foul, and acrid smell of 250 sweaty idiots that has permanently embedded itself into the seating enters your nostrils. Love it!
3. Lance Bass - You didnt reveal your homosexuality because you didnt want to ruin the image of NSync? Yeah, I didnt have a clue, that music sounded so straight.
2. Justin Timberlake - Yeah, now that you work at fucking Dennys and youre a nobody you better come out with a good new story about yourself to get everyones attention. Oh wait, you did drugs? What the fuck kind of story is that? A celebrity doing drugs? Thats such an oxymoron. Now replace "oxy" with "you" and "moron" with "fuckbag"
1. Weird Al Yankovic - Youre a fucking idiot for buckling under the pressure of james blunt when he ordered you not to release your parody of his song, titled youre pitiful. You've parodied like 1000 songs, and nobody ever complained about it in the past, let alone forced you to not release it. Fuck james blunt, who the shit does he think he is? Words cannot express how angry he makes me.
For those who dont know, a primer: Its a show about finding talented people. They can do anything they want - juggle, sing, magic, rapping granny (seriously shes in the running to win). And theres three judges like every single other fucking talent show out there. David hasselhoff (wheres KITT?), Brandy (the washed up singer) and this British guy named Piers Morgan. (more on him in a moment).
So Im watching this show and have officially come to the conclusion that Americans are EASILY impressed. A guy juggled, and the crowd started fucking salivating and cheering everywhere. Either this entire audience is hitting the heavy narcotics or the footage of the audience cheering is from some other performance from a different show entirely. And leading the charge are the most fucking groveling judges Brandy and Hasselhoff. Its like theyve never seen anybody perform anything in their lives ever before, as they cheer everybody that goes up on stage! Its all the boot licking that really grates my canary. As for the third judge, it seems like a prerequisite for any talent competition is to have a British judge that can be critical and honest but still be portrayed as the bad guy and be constantly booed by the audience of slack jawed yokels. He must be getting paid a hefty sum to have to put up with that crap. Its not like hes being rude, but everyone gets offended when he tells a 12 year old girl that she needs to work on her singing. Shes fucking 12! She handled the criticism well, but everyone in the audience goes right up his ass, telling him to go back to England!
Hey! Look at me, America! I can sever my thumb! Give me the million dollars, jerks!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 147th Edition
5. MySpace - What am I paying for? For you to have a power outage? Fuck that, heres a tip, how about you have separate back-up sites like any other large company in the world!
4. Movie Theatres - Walking into a movie theatre, you gotta love putting down 12 bucks when the rank, foul, and acrid smell of 250 sweaty idiots that has permanently embedded itself into the seating enters your nostrils. Love it!
3. Lance Bass - You didnt reveal your homosexuality because you didnt want to ruin the image of NSync? Yeah, I didnt have a clue, that music sounded so straight.
2. Justin Timberlake - Yeah, now that you work at fucking Dennys and youre a nobody you better come out with a good new story about yourself to get everyones attention. Oh wait, you did drugs? What the fuck kind of story is that? A celebrity doing drugs? Thats such an oxymoron. Now replace "oxy" with "you" and "moron" with "fuckbag"
1. Weird Al Yankovic - Youre a fucking idiot for buckling under the pressure of james blunt when he ordered you not to release your parody of his song, titled youre pitiful. You've parodied like 1000 songs, and nobody ever complained about it in the past, let alone forced you to not release it. Fuck james blunt, who the shit does he think he is? Words cannot express how angry he makes me.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Where did your shirt go?
So it's been fairly hot as of late here in Canadas largest and therefore most important city. Today it's supposed to go up to 35 degrees without the humidex. Meaning that with the humidex it will probably go up to 57. And with the heat brings the hate and I have a complaint about one thing in particular. DUDES WITHOUT SHIRTS. Seriously man, put a fucking shirt on. I don't care if its so hot you can fry some grits on the sidewalk, just put a damn shirt on! I don't want to be first hand witness to your jungly fuckin back hair, OR your rotund man-boobs, or even your big fucking beer belly bouncing around and hitting me in the face even though I'm across the road from you.
Go to Wal-mart, spend 3 dollars and get a 100% cotton shirt, and wear the fucking thing. I really don't care how hot it is; just put a damn shirt on! Yesterday I saw the fattest man on earth driving around without a shirt. He had his hands behind his head relaxing because he was steering the car with his fucking belly! What's up with that shit?
If you are going to pass out from the heat if you don't take your shirt off, here's a tip - move somewhere cold. Or drink some damn water. Do anything but subject me to the eye-blinding sight of your nasty-ass torso waddling down the road towards me. I don't need that, shit! It's too hot for that shit! I have no A/C in my car, and I'm sweating like a fat party animal too! But I will never take my shirt off, except at acceptable places, like the beach or the pool. That's it!
PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIRTS ON!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 59th Edition
5. Owen Wilson. (I supposed I should be impressed that someone whos been hit in the nose with a truck can have a successful career on camera, but I'm not.)
4. The Wayans Brothers. (Way to fucking discover the special effect of masking like 15 years after it was invented. Whats next? A fucking movie about a guy that can fly around like superman? Fuck you both.)
3. Mr. T. (You shed your gold chains after witnessing the destruction of Katrina. Yeah, maybe if you pass enough of those around, youll help the people that lost their fucking houses by letting them wear your chains.)
2. Harry Potter. (Daniel Radcliffe, youre like 37 now, so I find it hard to believe youre still in some damn school for warlocks and shit. Luke Perry from 90210 couldnt get away with it, and neither can you.)
1. Spanish Mountains. (James "undeserved" Blunt has just bought a mountain in Spain so he can live there to get away from all the hassles of fame. Fucking good, except you shouldve done that years ago, so the earth wouldn't have been infected with your hollow, meaningless dribble that you spew like a baby without his baby bib. Bye bye, fuckbag, and never come back.)
Go to Wal-mart, spend 3 dollars and get a 100% cotton shirt, and wear the fucking thing. I really don't care how hot it is; just put a damn shirt on! Yesterday I saw the fattest man on earth driving around without a shirt. He had his hands behind his head relaxing because he was steering the car with his fucking belly! What's up with that shit?
If you are going to pass out from the heat if you don't take your shirt off, here's a tip - move somewhere cold. Or drink some damn water. Do anything but subject me to the eye-blinding sight of your nasty-ass torso waddling down the road towards me. I don't need that, shit! It's too hot for that shit! I have no A/C in my car, and I'm sweating like a fat party animal too! But I will never take my shirt off, except at acceptable places, like the beach or the pool. That's it!
PUT YOUR FUCKING SHIRTS ON!
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 59th Edition
5. Owen Wilson. (I supposed I should be impressed that someone whos been hit in the nose with a truck can have a successful career on camera, but I'm not.)
4. The Wayans Brothers. (Way to fucking discover the special effect of masking like 15 years after it was invented. Whats next? A fucking movie about a guy that can fly around like superman? Fuck you both.)
3. Mr. T. (You shed your gold chains after witnessing the destruction of Katrina. Yeah, maybe if you pass enough of those around, youll help the people that lost their fucking houses by letting them wear your chains.)
2. Harry Potter. (Daniel Radcliffe, youre like 37 now, so I find it hard to believe youre still in some damn school for warlocks and shit. Luke Perry from 90210 couldnt get away with it, and neither can you.)
1. Spanish Mountains. (James "undeserved" Blunt has just bought a mountain in Spain so he can live there to get away from all the hassles of fame. Fucking good, except you shouldve done that years ago, so the earth wouldn't have been infected with your hollow, meaningless dribble that you spew like a baby without his baby bib. Bye bye, fuckbag, and never come back.)
Saturday, July 8, 2006
Mean-Ass Streets
There are three types of people on the mean, cold streets of Toronto.
1. Drivers.
2. Cyclists.
3. Pedestrians.
I have been all three at some point, and I have an individual rant for each, so listen up ball-wads, Im talking to you!
Drivers. I hate drivers. I think that the worse drivers on the road are the ones that have been on for 30 or so years, and have developed horrific habits. These are the people that brake suddenly for no reason and dont signal. Or dont have a fucking concept of distance and then pull out in front of you from a side road as Im driving merrily along, trying not to get angry. They are the ones that turn after the green arrow has long disappeared. I saw someone do this and just get t-boned by an oncoming car that wouldnt for a moment think that someone would be CROSSING THEIR FUCKING PATH WITHOUT LOOKING. I wish I had a paintball gun mounted to my car, under the bottom out of sight, I could blast away all day at drivers that irritated me. Take that!
Cyclists. I hate city cyclists. They drive everywhere, on the road, on the sidewalk, on walkways, up stairs, even inside elevators! Generally speaking, they dont really follow the rules of the road, and I dont mean to sound like some fucking square saying that, but seriously, if youre going to drive on the road, shouldnt you have to stop at red lights? Not go the wrong way down a one way street? Do you think youre exempt from these laws? Fuck, it just burns my canolli to see cyclists weaving in and out of traffic, then crying foul when they get cut off by an unsuspecting motorist. Makes me want to shove a stick in their tires!
Pedestrians. I hate pedestrians. Quit walking on the damn street! I dont drive on the sidewalk! Would you like me to drive on the sidewalk with my eyes closed? Then why must you walk on the road not paying attention to cars around you. I am not going to hit you if I see you, obviously, but if I slow down and then someone behind me pulls out to pass me they will fucking hit your ass quicker than a pimp on a non-profitable Sunday! Good lord! And please for the love of everything, if you dont have the signal to cross the street, dont fucking cross the street! You cant all be doctors rushing to save the life of a dying patient, an extra 30 seconds on your journey isnt going to kill you.
So to sum it up, I hate everybody on the streets. Get me my damn helicopter.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 37th Edition
5. Will from Big Brother: (Hey moron, use some of those plastic surgery skills on yourself. Also, eat a cheeseburger.)
4. Michael Jackson. (You will never be safe from lawsuits no matter where you run off and hide to. And you want to open another Neverland? Come on dude, get a haircut.)
3. Ann Coulter. (You are the 2nd most evil creature in the universe. When you have left this earth we will be one big step closer to not being in the stone-age.)
2. Tori Spelling. (Youre in a show playing yourself? Yeah, maybe people will be interested in your again. Also, maybe Swing music will become popular again)
1. Petra Nemcova. (How do you make a good looking woman look hideous? Put her next to her new boyfriend Mr. James no-dick Blunt. Dont worry, shes ok with just cuddling you fucking twat.)
1. Drivers.
2. Cyclists.
3. Pedestrians.
I have been all three at some point, and I have an individual rant for each, so listen up ball-wads, Im talking to you!
Drivers. I hate drivers. I think that the worse drivers on the road are the ones that have been on for 30 or so years, and have developed horrific habits. These are the people that brake suddenly for no reason and dont signal. Or dont have a fucking concept of distance and then pull out in front of you from a side road as Im driving merrily along, trying not to get angry. They are the ones that turn after the green arrow has long disappeared. I saw someone do this and just get t-boned by an oncoming car that wouldnt for a moment think that someone would be CROSSING THEIR FUCKING PATH WITHOUT LOOKING. I wish I had a paintball gun mounted to my car, under the bottom out of sight, I could blast away all day at drivers that irritated me. Take that!
Cyclists. I hate city cyclists. They drive everywhere, on the road, on the sidewalk, on walkways, up stairs, even inside elevators! Generally speaking, they dont really follow the rules of the road, and I dont mean to sound like some fucking square saying that, but seriously, if youre going to drive on the road, shouldnt you have to stop at red lights? Not go the wrong way down a one way street? Do you think youre exempt from these laws? Fuck, it just burns my canolli to see cyclists weaving in and out of traffic, then crying foul when they get cut off by an unsuspecting motorist. Makes me want to shove a stick in their tires!
Pedestrians. I hate pedestrians. Quit walking on the damn street! I dont drive on the sidewalk! Would you like me to drive on the sidewalk with my eyes closed? Then why must you walk on the road not paying attention to cars around you. I am not going to hit you if I see you, obviously, but if I slow down and then someone behind me pulls out to pass me they will fucking hit your ass quicker than a pimp on a non-profitable Sunday! Good lord! And please for the love of everything, if you dont have the signal to cross the street, dont fucking cross the street! You cant all be doctors rushing to save the life of a dying patient, an extra 30 seconds on your journey isnt going to kill you.
So to sum it up, I hate everybody on the streets. Get me my damn helicopter.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 37th Edition
5. Will from Big Brother: (Hey moron, use some of those plastic surgery skills on yourself. Also, eat a cheeseburger.)
4. Michael Jackson. (You will never be safe from lawsuits no matter where you run off and hide to. And you want to open another Neverland? Come on dude, get a haircut.)
3. Ann Coulter. (You are the 2nd most evil creature in the universe. When you have left this earth we will be one big step closer to not being in the stone-age.)
2. Tori Spelling. (Youre in a show playing yourself? Yeah, maybe people will be interested in your again. Also, maybe Swing music will become popular again)
1. Petra Nemcova. (How do you make a good looking woman look hideous? Put her next to her new boyfriend Mr. James no-dick Blunt. Dont worry, shes ok with just cuddling you fucking twat.)
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Fashion Scares
I'm not going to sit here and type out a diatribe against how the fashion industry is the main perpetrator of eating disorders, poor body image and low self esteem.
Even though it is.
Im not going to sit here and tell you that I find most models and supermodels to be the ugliest creatures on the planet, both internally and externally.
Even though I do.
I wont even mention the fact that only 1% of the female population could ever be a fashion model, or have the body type suitable for said profession.
But they do.
This blog is about beauty. Sure, everybody says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, I am the beholder at this moment. Let me tell you who is beautiful. Anybody without unnecessary plastic surgery. Anybody thats smart enough not to buy in what the fashion industry shoves down our throats. Anybody that looks at a mannequin and wonders aloud do I know anybody that has a body shape like that?
I was watching Canadas Next Top Model, and there is this girl whos worried about being too fat and she was a size 2 instead of a size 0. I didnt even know there was a size 0, and I didnt even know there was a size 00. Whats that? Youre so thin you dont exist? Heres a tip, real men like women that exist. If you aspire to look like that, youre really only appealing to men that are closet homosexuals. They love girls that look like guys, because it would be too difficult to admit to themselves that they are in fact gay. Theres nothing wrong with liking guys, but I like women! Fucking look like a woman, already! Im a raging, flaming heterosexual, and the fashion industry is just not doing it for me. Wake up and smell the cheeseburgers, fuckwads! If you are super thin and look like an alien, youre idolized. We dont idolize any other 1% portion of the population! I want to make it my mission to destroy the fashion industry. Im going to start my own fashion industry, with actual women.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Fashion Edition
5. Angelina Jolie: (You were voted best looking woman in the world, but it looks like you were punched repeatedly in the lips and then had your head stretched out my two camels.)
4. Sharon Stone: (I wish there was a computer program that could generate what your face would look like without the years of face surgery. You look fucking younger in Basic Instinct 2 than you did in the first one!)
3. Janice Dickenson (You epitomize what is disgusting about the fashion industry. You look like someone slapped some clay on your face, then asked a five year old to mold that face into something that resembles a human being.)
2. Jennifer Lopez: (Its amazing how somebody with absolutely no talent whatsoever can be so wealthy. Only in America. Do people even know what your largest source of income is? Your movies? No. Your music? No. Its your fucking clothing line with its 300% markup.)
1. James Blunt (Of course, you dont really relate to the fashion industry. But that doesnt mean youre not number one on every single one of my hate lists. Please die.)
Even though it is.
Im not going to sit here and tell you that I find most models and supermodels to be the ugliest creatures on the planet, both internally and externally.
Even though I do.
I wont even mention the fact that only 1% of the female population could ever be a fashion model, or have the body type suitable for said profession.
But they do.
This blog is about beauty. Sure, everybody says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, I am the beholder at this moment. Let me tell you who is beautiful. Anybody without unnecessary plastic surgery. Anybody thats smart enough not to buy in what the fashion industry shoves down our throats. Anybody that looks at a mannequin and wonders aloud do I know anybody that has a body shape like that?
I was watching Canadas Next Top Model, and there is this girl whos worried about being too fat and she was a size 2 instead of a size 0. I didnt even know there was a size 0, and I didnt even know there was a size 00. Whats that? Youre so thin you dont exist? Heres a tip, real men like women that exist. If you aspire to look like that, youre really only appealing to men that are closet homosexuals. They love girls that look like guys, because it would be too difficult to admit to themselves that they are in fact gay. Theres nothing wrong with liking guys, but I like women! Fucking look like a woman, already! Im a raging, flaming heterosexual, and the fashion industry is just not doing it for me. Wake up and smell the cheeseburgers, fuckwads! If you are super thin and look like an alien, youre idolized. We dont idolize any other 1% portion of the population! I want to make it my mission to destroy the fashion industry. Im going to start my own fashion industry, with actual women.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Fashion Edition
5. Angelina Jolie: (You were voted best looking woman in the world, but it looks like you were punched repeatedly in the lips and then had your head stretched out my two camels.)
4. Sharon Stone: (I wish there was a computer program that could generate what your face would look like without the years of face surgery. You look fucking younger in Basic Instinct 2 than you did in the first one!)
3. Janice Dickenson (You epitomize what is disgusting about the fashion industry. You look like someone slapped some clay on your face, then asked a five year old to mold that face into something that resembles a human being.)
2. Jennifer Lopez: (Its amazing how somebody with absolutely no talent whatsoever can be so wealthy. Only in America. Do people even know what your largest source of income is? Your movies? No. Your music? No. Its your fucking clothing line with its 300% markup.)
1. James Blunt (Of course, you dont really relate to the fashion industry. But that doesnt mean youre not number one on every single one of my hate lists. Please die.)
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Celebrities Eat Babies!
"Forgive me Tom for I have blogged and it has been 18 days since my last blog-fession"
I havent written a blog in a while, and what better way to jump right back into the ranting than discussing everybody's favorite pastime - celebrity hunting. No, I'm not talking about finding out where Bennifer II are eating their lunch, or even where Brangelina are getting their toenails golden-ized. I'm talking about the 21st century sport of champions - getting a paintball gun and hunting these celebrities down!! Like in The Running Man, or Hard Target. Sick of seeing celebrities get away with murder? Sick of seeing these undeserving wealthy flaunt their status with platinum toilet paper and designer cutlery? I am! So the name of the game is "Paint Hunt", until I or someone else thinks of a catchier name.
The other day, I had the "honour" of being in the presence of these "superior" humans, and I wouldve started the hunting game then if it didnt risk me losing my job. (I likes my peanut butter sandwiches!)
Paris Hilton was there, and let me tell you, to hunt her I would charge top dollar. (second only to the infamous J. Blunt). Elisha Cuthbert is a snobby twat, and the rest of the "Canadian Famous" jerks thought they were God's gift to everybody with the way they were strutting around backstage. Damnit I hate that guy from Simple Plan and his fucking face.
I realize celebrity will never truly die, but I'd enjoy a painty-face Tom Cruise, or a painty-dress Nicole Richie, or even a painty-everything Brad Pitt. I'm sick of celebrity. If you walk down the street with a camera in the U.S. filming somebody, 90% of passerbys turn and look at the camera or at the person being filmed, probably believing they've just seen some sort of superstar. Then they go home and tell their significant other how they had a brush with "stardom" and it then probably gets them laid. Get a clue, fuckwads! There are like 900 channels on television, each of which USE A CAMERA to film their programming. Pretty soon, 75% of everybody in North America will have been on TV at some point. Ok, that's a statistic I pulled out of my ear, but you know what I mean. So if you see a celebrity, pull out your paintball gun and start blasting. I declare open season on these parasites of civilization!
This rant does not include the wonderful actor Sean Penn.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Celebrity Edition
5. Elisha Cuthbert: Youre a snob? Seriously, you used to be on Popular Mechanics for Kids. Heres a tip, get a fucking clue, dingus. (Call me!)
4. Paris Hilton: Wow, you are so deserving of fame for being rich. Other famous rich people include Hitler and Scrooge McDuck.
3. The guy from Simple Plan: I think I mentioned you in my first blog hate list. Well, youve returned and now Im mentioning you again. Dude, you have a big melon head.
2. Tom Cruise: Most powerful celebrity in the world? Yeah, how about I hit you with a two by four and you tell me the pain is all make-believe and you dont need to take pain-killers.
1. FUCKING JAMES BLUNT!! ARGH!!! MY WRATH SPRINGS ETERNAL YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCK-SMOKING SPACE-SHIP-BUILDING-THEN-CRASHING-INTO-A-WAREHOUSE-FULL-OF-YOUR-CDS SCROAT GOAT!!!!!
Ahh. Much better now.
I havent written a blog in a while, and what better way to jump right back into the ranting than discussing everybody's favorite pastime - celebrity hunting. No, I'm not talking about finding out where Bennifer II are eating their lunch, or even where Brangelina are getting their toenails golden-ized. I'm talking about the 21st century sport of champions - getting a paintball gun and hunting these celebrities down!! Like in The Running Man, or Hard Target. Sick of seeing celebrities get away with murder? Sick of seeing these undeserving wealthy flaunt their status with platinum toilet paper and designer cutlery? I am! So the name of the game is "Paint Hunt", until I or someone else thinks of a catchier name.
The other day, I had the "honour" of being in the presence of these "superior" humans, and I wouldve started the hunting game then if it didnt risk me losing my job. (I likes my peanut butter sandwiches!)
Paris Hilton was there, and let me tell you, to hunt her I would charge top dollar. (second only to the infamous J. Blunt). Elisha Cuthbert is a snobby twat, and the rest of the "Canadian Famous" jerks thought they were God's gift to everybody with the way they were strutting around backstage. Damnit I hate that guy from Simple Plan and his fucking face.
I realize celebrity will never truly die, but I'd enjoy a painty-face Tom Cruise, or a painty-dress Nicole Richie, or even a painty-everything Brad Pitt. I'm sick of celebrity. If you walk down the street with a camera in the U.S. filming somebody, 90% of passerbys turn and look at the camera or at the person being filmed, probably believing they've just seen some sort of superstar. Then they go home and tell their significant other how they had a brush with "stardom" and it then probably gets them laid. Get a clue, fuckwads! There are like 900 channels on television, each of which USE A CAMERA to film their programming. Pretty soon, 75% of everybody in North America will have been on TV at some point. Ok, that's a statistic I pulled out of my ear, but you know what I mean. So if you see a celebrity, pull out your paintball gun and start blasting. I declare open season on these parasites of civilization!
This rant does not include the wonderful actor Sean Penn.
Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Celebrity Edition
5. Elisha Cuthbert: Youre a snob? Seriously, you used to be on Popular Mechanics for Kids. Heres a tip, get a fucking clue, dingus. (Call me!)
4. Paris Hilton: Wow, you are so deserving of fame for being rich. Other famous rich people include Hitler and Scrooge McDuck.
3. The guy from Simple Plan: I think I mentioned you in my first blog hate list. Well, youve returned and now Im mentioning you again. Dude, you have a big melon head.
2. Tom Cruise: Most powerful celebrity in the world? Yeah, how about I hit you with a two by four and you tell me the pain is all make-believe and you dont need to take pain-killers.
1. FUCKING JAMES BLUNT!! ARGH!!! MY WRATH SPRINGS ETERNAL YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCK-SMOKING SPACE-SHIP-BUILDING-THEN-CRASHING-INTO-A-WAREHOUSE-FULL-OF-YOUR-CDS SCROAT GOAT!!!!!
Ahh. Much better now.
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