Fashion Scares

I'm not going to sit here and type out a diatribe against how the fashion industry is the main perpetrator of eating disorders, poor body image and low self esteem.

Even though it is.

Im not going to sit here and tell you that I find most models and supermodels to be the ugliest creatures on the planet, both internally and externally.

Even though I do.

I wont even mention the fact that only 1% of the female population could ever be a fashion model, or have the body type suitable for said profession.

But they do.

This blog is about beauty. Sure, everybody says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, I am the beholder at this moment. Let me tell you who is beautiful. Anybody without unnecessary plastic surgery. Anybody thats smart enough not to buy in what the fashion industry shoves down our throats. Anybody that looks at a mannequin and wonders aloud do I know anybody that has a body shape like that?

I was watching Canadas Next Top Model, and there is this girl whos worried about being too fat and she was a size 2 instead of a size 0. I didnt even know there was a size 0, and I didnt even know there was a size 00. Whats that? Youre so thin you dont exist? Heres a tip, real men like women that exist. If you aspire to look like that, youre really only appealing to men that are closet homosexuals. They love girls that look like guys, because it would be too difficult to admit to themselves that they are in fact gay. Theres nothing wrong with liking guys, but I like women! Fucking look like a woman, already! Im a raging, flaming heterosexual, and the fashion industry is just not doing it for me. Wake up and smell the cheeseburgers, fuckwads! If you are super thin and look like an alien, youre idolized. We dont idolize any other 1% portion of the population! I want to make it my mission to destroy the fashion industry. Im going to start my own fashion industry, with actual women.

Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Fashion Edition


5. Angelina Jolie: (You were voted best looking woman in the world, but it looks like you were punched repeatedly in the lips and then had your head stretched out my two camels.)

4. Sharon Stone: (I wish there was a computer program that could generate what your face would look like without the years of face surgery. You look fucking younger in Basic Instinct 2 than you did in the first one!)

3. Janice Dickenson (You epitomize what is disgusting about the fashion industry. You look like someone slapped some clay on your face, then asked a five year old to mold that face into something that resembles a human being.)

2. Jennifer Lopez: (Its amazing how somebody with absolutely no talent whatsoever can be so wealthy. Only in America. Do people even know what your largest source of income is? Your movies? No. Your music? No. Its your fucking clothing line with its 300% markup.)

1. James Blunt (Of course, you dont really relate to the fashion industry. But that doesnt mean youre not number one on every single one of my hate lists. Please die.)

Celebrities Eat Babies!

"Forgive me Tom for I have blogged and it has been 18 days since my last blog-fession"

I havent written a blog in a while, and what better way to jump right back into the ranting than discussing everybody's favorite pastime - celebrity hunting. No, I'm not talking about finding out where Bennifer II are eating their lunch, or even where Brangelina are getting their toenails golden-ized. I'm talking about the 21st century sport of champions - getting a paintball gun and hunting these celebrities down!! Like in The Running Man, or Hard Target. Sick of seeing celebrities get away with murder? Sick of seeing these undeserving wealthy flaunt their status with platinum toilet paper and designer cutlery? I am! So the name of the game is "Paint Hunt", until I or someone else thinks of a catchier name.

The other day, I had the "honour" of being in the presence of these "superior" humans, and I wouldve started the hunting game then if it didnt risk me losing my job. (I likes my peanut butter sandwiches!)

Paris Hilton was there, and let me tell you, to hunt her I would charge top dollar. (second only to the infamous J. Blunt). Elisha Cuthbert is a snobby twat, and the rest of the "Canadian Famous" jerks thought they were God's gift to everybody with the way they were strutting around backstage. Damnit I hate that guy from Simple Plan and his fucking face.

I realize celebrity will never truly die, but I'd enjoy a painty-face Tom Cruise, or a painty-dress Nicole Richie, or even a painty-everything Brad Pitt. I'm sick of celebrity. If you walk down the street with a camera in the U.S. filming somebody, 90% of passerbys turn and look at the camera or at the person being filmed, probably believing they've just seen some sort of superstar. Then they go home and tell their significant other how they had a brush with "stardom" and it then probably gets them laid. Get a clue, fuckwads! There are like 900 channels on television, each of which USE A CAMERA to film their programming. Pretty soon, 75% of everybody in North America will have been on TV at some point. Ok, that's a statistic I pulled out of my ear, but you know what I mean. So if you see a celebrity, pull out your paintball gun and start blasting. I declare open season on these parasites of civilization!

This rant does not include the wonderful actor Sean Penn.

Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List Celebrity Edition


5. Elisha Cuthbert: Youre a snob? Seriously, you used to be on Popular Mechanics for Kids. Heres a tip, get a fucking clue, dingus. (Call me!)

4. Paris Hilton: Wow, you are so deserving of fame for being rich. Other famous rich people include Hitler and Scrooge McDuck.

3. The guy from Simple Plan: I think I mentioned you in my first blog hate list. Well, youve returned and now Im mentioning you again. Dude, you have a big melon head.

2. Tom Cruise: Most powerful celebrity in the world? Yeah, how about I hit you with a two by four and you tell me the pain is all make-believe and you dont need to take pain-killers.

1. FUCKING JAMES BLUNT!! ARGH!!! MY WRATH SPRINGS ETERNAL YOU MOTHERFUCKING COCK-SMOKING SPACE-SHIP-BUILDING-THEN-CRASHING-INTO-A-WAREHOUSE-FULL-OF-YOUR-CDS SCROAT GOAT!!!!!



Ahh. Much better now.

Something For The Weekend

Well the weekend is now over, but in a much more realistic way, it actually isn't! That's right, tomorrow we have Victoria's Day off. But since I have it off anyway, it doesn't help me much. Don't you hate having holidays when you have the day off anyway? And don't you hate when your birthday falls on a weekend, and your phone would have been free that day anyway? I do. (my cell provider offers free calls on my birthday, and free evenings and weekends).

I find it amusing to see people who work for the weekend. They put in the daily grind for five days, and then just completely blow their money on booze or maybe lounge out in front of the television, counting down the seconds they have until they get back into their tedium. I couldn't do that. Which isn't to say I don't respect people that do, it's just that I couldn't go through that for my whole life, slowing being killed from the inside until one day I wake up and I'm 47 and I'm only a step above middle management and I have a Honda Accord and maybe a dog but no tangible achievements to speak of. Digression aside, I much prefer it when people that take a chance on their dreams. Maybe I'm getting older, and if I had a chart that had two lines, one that denoted my cynicism and the other my optimism, they would both be rising upwards and to the right. It is a delicate battle of two contrasting sets of ideals, but I'm trying my best. Sooner or later that third line of realism catches up with you, and that's the worst line of them all. No, I'm not drunk right now, not even a little. But to the four people that actually read this blog, kudos goes to you. Not every one of them can be a winner.

Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List TV Edition

5. "Trailer Park Boys" - This season has just been garbage, and it's not even a whole season! Here's a tip, don't let 15 people write the damn show!

4. "CSI" - They said they would never end up together! And then you see them in the bedroom together, and she is wearing a nightgown! For shame.

3. "Simpsons" - Their season finale's used to be good. Remember "Who Shot Mr Burns?" Classic! Now it's just randomness!

2. "Lost" - I'll never watch you, you damn show! I am going to be the one to kill Locke - in season 4!

1. "Canada A.M." - Specifically your April 14th, 2006 show. You know who you had on as a musical guest. You know your crimes.

This place smells like Otto's jacket!

I had the chance to attend the Strokes concert tonight, in a fairly VIP manner no less. We had front row seating, which was just off to the side of the stage in our own little area where we were elevated just high enough to see above everybody with floor admission. Superb! There was also not one but TWO barriers separating us from the rest of the riff raff down below, I felt like a Duke.... or perhaps an Earl... My only real problem was the people who just got wasted and were throwing up and slobbering around below us. People, if youre going to drink, learn how to hold your liquor! These werent young teenagers either, these were people my age! What was also funny was when a ballad would be performed and some people would stick their lighters up in the air. Yeah, I remember when they did that when people went to Def Leopard! Seriously, in a stadium full of people only about 7 people did it, and it was just sad, in a slightly amusing way. Julian had this ridiculous outfit on, these overly tight white jeans (which the ladies I went with didnt mind), and this stupid white jacket that had a chess board pattern across the back of it. Ha ha, if you ever get bored, just lay out that jacket and get into a rousing round of checkers.or maybe even chess!! The possibilities are endless. - If by endless I mean two different games. Concert rating C , my highest rating yet!


Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 4th Edition




5) The Raconteurs (The White Stripes were a good band, and they only had one real musician, now there are four real musicians, and wow, its like the White Stripes times four, minus one for it now being a sausage party.)

4) People that watch the show Lost (ha ha, this applies to like every single person in the world. Im so sick of people talking about Lost around me, telling me how they love Lock and they want to be the mother of his child. Fuck that! Keep it to yourself!)

3) Tom Hanks (Whats the deal with that hair?)

2) Prison Break (Your show is called Prison Break! What happens when they break out of prison? Are you going to rename the show? Thats like calling Dawsons Creek "Will Dawson Hook up With Joey?")

1) Jessica Simpson (Shes an idiot, shallow, stands for everything that anybody with any sense should be against, and she has a crush on my mortal enemy - James Blunt!)

John Stewart is Dead!! (to me)

I may get a lot of flack for this, but I'm going to say it. Jon Stewart is now dead to me. It's true, I can't watch his show anymore. Maybe it's all the new and horrible wankjob correspondents, or just the fact that it's really just the same old nitpicks about politics time after time, but I can't really watch the show anymore. If there are funny segments, I can catch them online or while flipping through the channels in the afternoon, but no more does my PVR set to record his show. Perhaps there is also another reason for this changeover, and that may just be the creation of a slightly superior show set in the time slot immediately after his. That's right - the Colbert Report.
I won't sit and rant to you all about why I prefer this new breed of satirical programming, but perhaps I just find the whole "conservative view" on things much more hilarious. Even if that view is entirely faked. For an example of the funny, not from the show, but from Colbert himself, check out this link:
http://dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/4/30/1441/59811.
Here you'll see why I find Stephen Colbert Funny. This is a live speech performed in front of the President and his wife and the rest of the cabinet at the White House Correspondents Dinner. How they let him in to speak is beyond me. But enjoy!

Gary's Fantastic Blog Top 5 HATE List 3rd Edition

5. Black Cherry Vanilla Coke. (There used to just be Cherry Vanilla Coke, but now that theyve made the cherries black cherries, it tastes disgusting. Did they burn the berries and make them charred? Because thats what it tastes like. Garbage!)

4. People who are wearing scarves right now. (Seriously, its 20 degrees Celsius outside. In Canada thats considered warm. How are you going to wear a damn scarf not just around your neck, but ACROSS THE ENTIRE LOWER HALF OF YOUR FACE, and then bunker down as if facing some sort of apocalyptic blizzard??)


3. People in the elevator. (Heres a tip, when you get on, look at the damn numbers that are lit up. If there is a number that is LOWER than your number lit up, and youre standing at the front of the elevator in front of everyone, FUCKING MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!!!)


2. Cory Feldman/Cory Haim. ( I saw both of you working at Dennys the other day. All I wanted was a Big Breakfast, then you expected me to know who you were, then I left you a bad tip and you yelled at me. YOURE FUCKING CORY HAIM AND CORY FELDMAN! JUST GIVE ME MY FOOD!!!)


1. James Blunt (When I dont sleep for a while, and the demons start to gather in my mind, I see you leading their attack on me. And then I realize I AM THE DEMON KILLER!!! SENT FROM THE GHETTO'S OF HADES TO DESTROY THOSE THAT WISH TO DESTROY US AND OUR MUSICAL TASTES! YOU ARE NOT ROCK MUSIC! YOU ARE THE EPITOME OF POP, AND I WIL BANISH YOU BACK FROM WHENCE YOU CAME!)

My Alter Ego

The picture of the dashing gentleman to the left has my first and last name and i discovered him doing a quick google search. Sometimes I wonder how his life has been compared to mine so far, but then I look at the picture again and instantly have a good idea. I feel bad about my namesake looking like that, and potentially being confused with me someday. Then I feel sad about that prospect. Maybe I should take over his life as a Client Services Director for RHR, offering dirty services to his clients and therefore ruining his life! Or maybe that's what he does, maybe he's an OG Pimp!?
No, I'll let Gary H. go on with his life of whiskey drinking, survivor-watching, gun polishing evening in the deep south somewhere.
Here's to you, parallel-universe Gary, may all your incestual indiscretions be fruitful!