Ok, yeah, it's christmas, I get it. But that doesnt excuse you all from my ranting! I was actually considering retiring from blog writing, at least in the ranty-sense, since I don't like being perceived as someone who is just angry all the time. Like 90 minutes of Lewis Black on stage - it starts to feel more like a shtick than anything else. And things have been going great for me lately, I don't really get angry like I used to. EXCEPT SOMETIMES I DO!!
I watched a very popular television program tonight, one that I have never seen, but only judged harshly from afar. This program is called Deal or No Deal, and yes you've probably heard of it, or are maybe even a fan of it. Well, allow me to opine! How does a show that requires absolutely NO skill give away so much money? And don't come back at me and say "oh, it requires skill, at the end, where the person has to decide whether to accept the money or not!" That isnt skill, dingus! I found myself cheering for the person to win one penny! That would be so cool, and also a burn! This whole show is just an elaborate version of a game I made up when I was 7 called "Guess the Number". No, I didnt have slutty girls, and no I didnt have a huge production budget. And no, at that point Howie Mandel was at the peak of his career as the voice of "Gizmo" in the movie Gremlins, so he wasn't available. After you choose the case, really, you're just guessing. It's all luck! One of those drinking birds could play this game. I'd cheer for birdy. I would want him to win the million dollars. Merry Xmas.
Top 5 blog of hate - END OF 2006 EDITION!
5. Rosie Odonnel. (nobody cares about your damn opinions, you racist donut! Here's hoping 2007 finds you banned from television!)
4. Christina Ricci. (How are you going to be in that awful looking sam jackson movie? Where you're chained up? Just terrible! Here's hoping 2007 finds you picking better movies!)
3. Tyra Banks. (The world will be a better place when you go crazy and take a religious sabatical in remote indonesia, no more panty parties! Here's hoping 2007 finds you living in a mud-slide ridden shanty-town!)
2. House of Carters (wow, terrible, my life has been wasted watching one episode of this show. Here's an idea for a reality show, take my dirty socks and put them in a mansion. Guaranteed ratings hit! Here's hoping 2007 finds you and the Backstreet Boys reaching the top of the charts once again!)
1. James Blunt in 2006 (you were voted #1 most irritating artist of 2006! yay! I agree completely with that award, except for the part about you being an "artist". Oh well, here's hoping 2007 delivers you the piping hot slice of obscurity you deserve. Watch out for me if I have a knife and agenda!)
Monday, December 25, 2006
Sunday, December 10, 2006
It's a two-fer of Hate!
I..m seeing double! A double Blog of Hate!
Ok, usually I wait a few weeks to write a damn blog, until the anger builds up too much that I need an outlet to vent. But not tonight, dear reader. This blog is about fucking people that stare at other peoples business. That's right, you heard me right.
It could be somewhere simple, like the bank, or somewhere else, like on the street that you're driving on, but I need to vent this or its going to build up and make my head explode if I don't let you all know what it is that bothers me alot. Yes, it is people that stare at other people and their business.
Why do people need to pry on other peoples business? Their conversations? Their personal issues? Is it possibly because their lives are so butt-fuck boring that any sort of conversation overheard by them of strangers at least provides some sort of primal amusement that watching fourteen episodes of "my sweet sixteen" just can't offer? I was in the bank today, and there was a lineup of 10 people. With two tellers. So somebody walks up to the manager and starts talking to her about something to do with banking, so she wouldn..t have to wait in line to find out that same info. And like 5 people turn and just stare and glare and listen to the conversation, to find out what she's talking about, because their lives are obviously so fucking lame that they need SOME sort of external issues to process in their pee-brains in order to feel stimulated. Maybe these people don't have lives. maybe they don't have cable. i don't know, I really don't. But how about you just let these people deal with their own fucking problems. how about you don't bud your big-ass nose into other peoples business?
The same applies for those rubber-necking-slowing-me-down fuckheads on the highway that slow down to look at accidents in the oncoming lanes. I know - this is a common complaint, but it falls under the same category. I am so sick of this shit. I really want to ram my car into the back of them, giving them whiplash that they would feel for life for being such asses. Rubber neck? Then it shouldn..t hurt when I run my car into yours for slowing down because someone is STALLED on the side of the damn highway. Go home and fucking watch SPEED or something, if you'd really like a "tragedy" fix.
Get a life - all of those people that find some sort of pleasure in peering into the business of others. You need one, you fucking wank bags. FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm so angry.
But I'm calm now. ahh..
Except I..m not! Because this has just turned into a two-fer combo blog of hate. Here..s my theory. We never landed on the moon. Ever. It was all a hoax. Forget what you think about conspiracy theories and all that crap, here are the facts. We apparently landed on the moon at the end of the 1960..s. Now NASA is saying that it..ll take 20 years to get back to landing on the moon again. 20 years. FROM NOW. 50 YEARS after landing on the moon. We have better technology. More money. We should be able to do it again. Why don..t we? Oh wait, its because with today..s information exchange the government couldn..t pull of a hoax of that magnitude. If I met Neil Armstrong, I would punch him in the face. And kick neil Armstrong in the junk. Merry Christmas.
Top 5 dealy
5 .. jerks with wireless headsets for their cellphones. (fuck you!)
4 .. jerks with big SUV's (way to over-compensate for your lack of a penis. Fuck you)
3 .. jerks with hot girlfriends above their league. (way to fool her into that, jerk!)
2 .. jerks that realize that women like jerks (way to exploit that, jerks!)
1 .. jerks that names start with J and end with ..ames blunt... (My company is up and running now, and our objectives are painfully clear. Your days are numbered fuckwad.)
Ok, usually I wait a few weeks to write a damn blog, until the anger builds up too much that I need an outlet to vent. But not tonight, dear reader. This blog is about fucking people that stare at other peoples business. That's right, you heard me right.
It could be somewhere simple, like the bank, or somewhere else, like on the street that you're driving on, but I need to vent this or its going to build up and make my head explode if I don't let you all know what it is that bothers me alot. Yes, it is people that stare at other people and their business.
Why do people need to pry on other peoples business? Their conversations? Their personal issues? Is it possibly because their lives are so butt-fuck boring that any sort of conversation overheard by them of strangers at least provides some sort of primal amusement that watching fourteen episodes of "my sweet sixteen" just can't offer? I was in the bank today, and there was a lineup of 10 people. With two tellers. So somebody walks up to the manager and starts talking to her about something to do with banking, so she wouldn..t have to wait in line to find out that same info. And like 5 people turn and just stare and glare and listen to the conversation, to find out what she's talking about, because their lives are obviously so fucking lame that they need SOME sort of external issues to process in their pee-brains in order to feel stimulated. Maybe these people don't have lives. maybe they don't have cable. i don't know, I really don't. But how about you just let these people deal with their own fucking problems. how about you don't bud your big-ass nose into other peoples business?
The same applies for those rubber-necking-slowing-me-down fuckheads on the highway that slow down to look at accidents in the oncoming lanes. I know - this is a common complaint, but it falls under the same category. I am so sick of this shit. I really want to ram my car into the back of them, giving them whiplash that they would feel for life for being such asses. Rubber neck? Then it shouldn..t hurt when I run my car into yours for slowing down because someone is STALLED on the side of the damn highway. Go home and fucking watch SPEED or something, if you'd really like a "tragedy" fix.
Get a life - all of those people that find some sort of pleasure in peering into the business of others. You need one, you fucking wank bags. FUCK FUCK FUCK I'm so angry.
But I'm calm now. ahh..
Except I..m not! Because this has just turned into a two-fer combo blog of hate. Here..s my theory. We never landed on the moon. Ever. It was all a hoax. Forget what you think about conspiracy theories and all that crap, here are the facts. We apparently landed on the moon at the end of the 1960..s. Now NASA is saying that it..ll take 20 years to get back to landing on the moon again. 20 years. FROM NOW. 50 YEARS after landing on the moon. We have better technology. More money. We should be able to do it again. Why don..t we? Oh wait, its because with today..s information exchange the government couldn..t pull of a hoax of that magnitude. If I met Neil Armstrong, I would punch him in the face. And kick neil Armstrong in the junk. Merry Christmas.
Top 5 dealy
5 .. jerks with wireless headsets for their cellphones. (fuck you!)
4 .. jerks with big SUV's (way to over-compensate for your lack of a penis. Fuck you)
3 .. jerks with hot girlfriends above their league. (way to fool her into that, jerk!)
2 .. jerks that realize that women like jerks (way to exploit that, jerks!)
1 .. jerks that names start with J and end with ..ames blunt... (My company is up and running now, and our objectives are painfully clear. Your days are numbered fuckwad.)
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Theatre employee average age - 11.
Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby – and have ourselves a snack! That's right dear reader, yours truly decided to switch off the television and head out to our grand 16-theatre multiplex to soak in the 20 x 20' screen and 7-dimensional sound that is the modern day "movie-going" experience. Plus, I had two free passes!
We get there and since it is the early afternoon, there aren't too many people. That's good, as I always say, since the worst part about going out in public is..well…the people. Just a few hungover nightclubbers and a several screaming kids populated this 5 story mega-theatre-opolis, but luckily we weren't going to see a kids movie (Happy Feet), but instead a decidedly anti-kid movie (Borat). The idiocy starts when we get our movie tickets. The attendant screws up our ticket order! I suppose "Borat" and "Bobby" are similar-sounding, in that they both start with the letter "B" and have two syllables, but still. Close brush with seeing a political charged film aside, we proceed up the five story escalator to get some food. Should be simple, right? Wrong, some pimply-faced ass-hat behind the counter finds my order of ONE item too confusing, and proceeds to screw it up, slothing enough gravy on my poutine to feed the entire nation of Kazahkstan.
"Ok, the movie hasn't started yet, Gary, stop seething, lets just go into the theatre", I tremble to myself.
We enter the half empty theatre, find an empty row (with empty rows above and below us) and plop ourselves down in the center to enjoy the fine art-house film they are about to unspool. Right before the movie starts though, two other wank-bats decide to sit down directly behind us. Ok, that's ok, not so bad, it's better than kicking kids. I was wrong.
As the movie begins, one of them begins laughing at EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING he sees on the screen, everything from the fact that the villagers of Borat's hometown in Kazakstan have moustaches to the fact that there is rubble everywhere. Perhaps my comedic sensibilities are overly refined, but I do not see a reason to fucking scream like a whale being choked at every fucking thing in the movie that could ever be remotely funny to anybody. Hey, buddy, have you ever heard of comedy before? Have you just regained your hearing after a life of being deaf and are currently experiencing every single funny entendre and allusion for the first time? Possibly. That is what I think.
I hate movie-going. Fuck you movie conglomerates for perpetrating that we need to subject ourselves to $14 popcorn and $7 pepsi, as if the more I spend will somehow enhance the fact that your theaters stink like Italian dressing and the floors are sticker than a butter factory that was then converted into a bathhouse. Movie rating - A-. Movie Going Experience Rating - A for "abysmal"
Top 5 Hate list – November 2006 edition
5. Michael Richards. (On a fame level of 1-10, before last weeks rant you were at about a 2, and that's being generous. Now, you're like negative 17. Plus you look really old now. Put down the pitchfork dude, and the crack rock!)
4. Lucas Rossi. (I know you read my blog you jackass, and you suck so many different balls at once I don't know whether to enter you in the annual meatball eating contest or set you up with my friend Antoine. You're like an animal that they test makeup on, except they have more personality.)
3. The War on Christmas. (ok, I'm not religious, but I really am getting pissed about them changing it to a "holiday party" and a "holiday tree". What the fuck is that? Everyone knows Christmas isn't about religion. It's about Santa and a loving family huddled around a warm Playstation 3. Grow a pair, world!)
2. David Fucking Blaine. (How about this for an endurance stunt? We launch you into space without a spacesuit, and you see how long you can hold your breath. Work your magic, floating man, work your "magic"!)
1. James Blunt. (You are a sappy little bitch with whiny lyrics and vocal chords that sound like they've been pinched by pliers. But I've said that before. Your very aura and soul make me question whether there is a kind higher power, or whether Satan is actually in charge. But I've said that before as well. So I started my own company, and you can find the info in the "company" section of my page. Through our hard work and dedication, we will eradicate the scourge that is your existence and achieve our goal of a blunt-free society. Onwards, anti-blunt soldiers, onwards!!!)
We get there and since it is the early afternoon, there aren't too many people. That's good, as I always say, since the worst part about going out in public is..well…the people. Just a few hungover nightclubbers and a several screaming kids populated this 5 story mega-theatre-opolis, but luckily we weren't going to see a kids movie (Happy Feet), but instead a decidedly anti-kid movie (Borat). The idiocy starts when we get our movie tickets. The attendant screws up our ticket order! I suppose "Borat" and "Bobby" are similar-sounding, in that they both start with the letter "B" and have two syllables, but still. Close brush with seeing a political charged film aside, we proceed up the five story escalator to get some food. Should be simple, right? Wrong, some pimply-faced ass-hat behind the counter finds my order of ONE item too confusing, and proceeds to screw it up, slothing enough gravy on my poutine to feed the entire nation of Kazahkstan.
"Ok, the movie hasn't started yet, Gary, stop seething, lets just go into the theatre", I tremble to myself.
We enter the half empty theatre, find an empty row (with empty rows above and below us) and plop ourselves down in the center to enjoy the fine art-house film they are about to unspool. Right before the movie starts though, two other wank-bats decide to sit down directly behind us. Ok, that's ok, not so bad, it's better than kicking kids. I was wrong.
As the movie begins, one of them begins laughing at EVERY SINGLE FUCKING THING he sees on the screen, everything from the fact that the villagers of Borat's hometown in Kazakstan have moustaches to the fact that there is rubble everywhere. Perhaps my comedic sensibilities are overly refined, but I do not see a reason to fucking scream like a whale being choked at every fucking thing in the movie that could ever be remotely funny to anybody. Hey, buddy, have you ever heard of comedy before? Have you just regained your hearing after a life of being deaf and are currently experiencing every single funny entendre and allusion for the first time? Possibly. That is what I think.
I hate movie-going. Fuck you movie conglomerates for perpetrating that we need to subject ourselves to $14 popcorn and $7 pepsi, as if the more I spend will somehow enhance the fact that your theaters stink like Italian dressing and the floors are sticker than a butter factory that was then converted into a bathhouse. Movie rating - A-. Movie Going Experience Rating - A for "abysmal"
Top 5 Hate list – November 2006 edition
5. Michael Richards. (On a fame level of 1-10, before last weeks rant you were at about a 2, and that's being generous. Now, you're like negative 17. Plus you look really old now. Put down the pitchfork dude, and the crack rock!)
4. Lucas Rossi. (I know you read my blog you jackass, and you suck so many different balls at once I don't know whether to enter you in the annual meatball eating contest or set you up with my friend Antoine. You're like an animal that they test makeup on, except they have more personality.)
3. The War on Christmas. (ok, I'm not religious, but I really am getting pissed about them changing it to a "holiday party" and a "holiday tree". What the fuck is that? Everyone knows Christmas isn't about religion. It's about Santa and a loving family huddled around a warm Playstation 3. Grow a pair, world!)
2. David Fucking Blaine. (How about this for an endurance stunt? We launch you into space without a spacesuit, and you see how long you can hold your breath. Work your magic, floating man, work your "magic"!)
1. James Blunt. (You are a sappy little bitch with whiny lyrics and vocal chords that sound like they've been pinched by pliers. But I've said that before. Your very aura and soul make me question whether there is a kind higher power, or whether Satan is actually in charge. But I've said that before as well. So I started my own company, and you can find the info in the "company" section of my page. Through our hard work and dedication, we will eradicate the scourge that is your existence and achieve our goal of a blunt-free society. Onwards, anti-blunt soldiers, onwards!!!)
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Graduation! (AKA: School is a Fraud)
So I had the day off today to attend my graduation. Yes, dear reader, yours truly has donned the mortarboard hat and the silken gown and walked down the aisle to receive the lambskin parchment that is apparently the truest representation of achievement in this crazy world.
Haha, fuck that! There was no hat, the gown smelled like a mixture between sweat and Italian dressing from the previous ceremony that morning, and all we got was a piece of paper. We all get in line, and when we got on stage they gave us this piece of paper with nothing on it so we would stick around for the whole ceremony. There were 1500 people graduating, in alphabetical order. I guess they did it so that Zoltan Zumeni would have somewhat of an audience as the 2 hour ceremony wound to a close. They didn't open the room that held the REAL diplomas until the whole thing was over. People left anyway, lining up outside this room, ready to bust in, grab their paper and bust out. Or at least that's what I was ready to do. But no, of course it didn't go so smoothly. We had to fill out an "alumni card", where you had to put your name/address/phone number/where you work. Now I knew about this before hand and filled in Alex's phone number. Plus I put my address as 123 Fake St. Those bastards are never going to hunt me down for some contribution in the future.
Schools are all big frauds because of this. They have you pay inordinate amounts of money while you go there, then expect for you to stick out your teet for them to suckle off of for the rest of your life. Plan on being successful? Don't let them know, or they'll send their goons after you, because legally there are allowed to hold you upside down and shake you and keep whatever falls out of your pockets. I'm glad school is over!
FUCK YOU ZOLTAN!
Top 5 Ultimate "Its been a hatin month!" Hate List
5. P-Diddy – (Dude, you're a total fraud. People probably look at you and say, what do you do again? And then you say "I remind people about Biggie", and then they say "oh yeah.")
4. Madonna – (She's a child thief! Get her! She's easy to spot with her fake-ass British accent!)
3. Guy from My Chemical Romance – (The kid from Children of the Corn grew up and is now spewing screamo instead of terror in a small town)
2. Fab-oh-loose (because that's how you spell your name. It's like calling yourself "mailman" but spelling it "quailman". Stop perpetuating poor spellin!)
1. James Blunt (lets see, what's in the news about this guy…lets see…Someone referred to his song as the next winner in the playschool "My First Song" contest. Yeah, I like that, that sounds right. Please die.)
Haha, fuck that! There was no hat, the gown smelled like a mixture between sweat and Italian dressing from the previous ceremony that morning, and all we got was a piece of paper. We all get in line, and when we got on stage they gave us this piece of paper with nothing on it so we would stick around for the whole ceremony. There were 1500 people graduating, in alphabetical order. I guess they did it so that Zoltan Zumeni would have somewhat of an audience as the 2 hour ceremony wound to a close. They didn't open the room that held the REAL diplomas until the whole thing was over. People left anyway, lining up outside this room, ready to bust in, grab their paper and bust out. Or at least that's what I was ready to do. But no, of course it didn't go so smoothly. We had to fill out an "alumni card", where you had to put your name/address/phone number/where you work. Now I knew about this before hand and filled in Alex's phone number. Plus I put my address as 123 Fake St. Those bastards are never going to hunt me down for some contribution in the future.
Schools are all big frauds because of this. They have you pay inordinate amounts of money while you go there, then expect for you to stick out your teet for them to suckle off of for the rest of your life. Plan on being successful? Don't let them know, or they'll send their goons after you, because legally there are allowed to hold you upside down and shake you and keep whatever falls out of your pockets. I'm glad school is over!
FUCK YOU ZOLTAN!
Top 5 Ultimate "Its been a hatin month!" Hate List
5. P-Diddy – (Dude, you're a total fraud. People probably look at you and say, what do you do again? And then you say "I remind people about Biggie", and then they say "oh yeah.")
4. Madonna – (She's a child thief! Get her! She's easy to spot with her fake-ass British accent!)
3. Guy from My Chemical Romance – (The kid from Children of the Corn grew up and is now spewing screamo instead of terror in a small town)
2. Fab-oh-loose (because that's how you spell your name. It's like calling yourself "mailman" but spelling it "quailman". Stop perpetuating poor spellin!)
1. James Blunt (lets see, what's in the news about this guy…lets see…Someone referred to his song as the next winner in the playschool "My First Song" contest. Yeah, I like that, that sounds right. Please die.)
Tuesday, October 3, 2006
I hate Ma Bell so much
You know what grates my canary today? Bell Canada. Luckily, for me, its been about 4 years since I extricated myself from the vice that is the monopolistic conglomerate. When we moved out of our old place, we had our phone service changed to Telus, since it came pre-installed in our brand new building. But the other day I was thinking about how I use to be clusterfucked by Ma Bell and it got me thinking – there are still so many people out there getting cluster-balled! Get away from it! You have alternatives!
Bell Canada used to charge us $85/month total for our phone service. Why? I called them one day, and this is what they said.
Gary – "Why am I paying $85 for my phone service?"
CSR – "Let me see here, you have basic service, call waiting, caller ID, there's a 911 service charge, and there's also a $15 fuck you fee"
Gary – "Fuck you fee? What does this fee entail?"
CSR – "Well, sir, this is the fee that we charge all of our valued clients because we can get away with it, since there are no other home phone options"
Gary – "Well thank you for your explanation"
CSR – "Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"
Gary – "Yes, lick this." (proceeds to rub reciever on crotch)
It was on that day that I proceeded to seek out an alternative. And I found it in Telus. They charge us $25 a month for everything, and they're friendly as hell. That's why I moved out and bought a condo, just for the phone service. When I finally cancelled my Bell account, I snail-mailed them a letter saying that "if I did not have a choice in the future, and Bell Canada became the only provider available to me, I would drive to the grocery store, purchase two large soup cans, empty them on the ground, attach a string between them, and proceed to enjoy a more reliable and inexpensive service than I could ever have with your company. Thank you" FUCK YOU, BELL!
Gary's Super Duper Top 5 Hate List Volume 97
5) Ana Nicole Smith – (Your son dies, but proceed with getting married the following week? You digust me. It's TrimSpa baby!)
4) John Mayer – (You were on CSI, continuing the long tradition of great artists appearing on hit shows – like goo goo dolls on 90210. I was hoping you would play the part of the corpse, or the part of someone that got shot in the groin amidst "mysterious" circumstances)
3) Green Day & U2 – (I have an idea, how about nuts and gum? Or maybe rice and motor oil? Or even cell phones and sharks? What? Those don't together. You're 100% correct. Fucking Green Day.)
2) Jet – (You insulted The Strokes? Because Julian said that Jet makes him not want to make music? Oh, poor baby, did he hurt your feelings? Here's a tip, how about you write a song that doesn't sound like either The Beatles or Iggy Pop? How about that? What's your excuse? Do they not have these bands in Australia? And just by coincidence you sound exactly like these bands? Oh, that makes sense, you fucking descendents of convicts.)
1) Funeral songs – (James blunt song "goodbye my lover" is the most requested song at funerals now, and just when thought funerals couldn't get any more depressing. I hate you so much, James Blunt, my fire of hate burns deep within me!!)
Bell Canada used to charge us $85/month total for our phone service. Why? I called them one day, and this is what they said.
Gary – "Why am I paying $85 for my phone service?"
CSR – "Let me see here, you have basic service, call waiting, caller ID, there's a 911 service charge, and there's also a $15 fuck you fee"
Gary – "Fuck you fee? What does this fee entail?"
CSR – "Well, sir, this is the fee that we charge all of our valued clients because we can get away with it, since there are no other home phone options"
Gary – "Well thank you for your explanation"
CSR – "Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"
Gary – "Yes, lick this." (proceeds to rub reciever on crotch)
It was on that day that I proceeded to seek out an alternative. And I found it in Telus. They charge us $25 a month for everything, and they're friendly as hell. That's why I moved out and bought a condo, just for the phone service. When I finally cancelled my Bell account, I snail-mailed them a letter saying that "if I did not have a choice in the future, and Bell Canada became the only provider available to me, I would drive to the grocery store, purchase two large soup cans, empty them on the ground, attach a string between them, and proceed to enjoy a more reliable and inexpensive service than I could ever have with your company. Thank you" FUCK YOU, BELL!
Gary's Super Duper Top 5 Hate List Volume 97
5) Ana Nicole Smith – (Your son dies, but proceed with getting married the following week? You digust me. It's TrimSpa baby!)
4) John Mayer – (You were on CSI, continuing the long tradition of great artists appearing on hit shows – like goo goo dolls on 90210. I was hoping you would play the part of the corpse, or the part of someone that got shot in the groin amidst "mysterious" circumstances)
3) Green Day & U2 – (I have an idea, how about nuts and gum? Or maybe rice and motor oil? Or even cell phones and sharks? What? Those don't together. You're 100% correct. Fucking Green Day.)
2) Jet – (You insulted The Strokes? Because Julian said that Jet makes him not want to make music? Oh, poor baby, did he hurt your feelings? Here's a tip, how about you write a song that doesn't sound like either The Beatles or Iggy Pop? How about that? What's your excuse? Do they not have these bands in Australia? And just by coincidence you sound exactly like these bands? Oh, that makes sense, you fucking descendents of convicts.)
1) Funeral songs – (James blunt song "goodbye my lover" is the most requested song at funerals now, and just when thought funerals couldn't get any more depressing. I hate you so much, James Blunt, my fire of hate burns deep within me!!)
Sunday, September 3, 2006
I Hate my MTV!
You know really what grinds my gears this week? The fucking MTV VMAs. Now, youre probably sitting there in your fancy, leather-bound chair, smoking from your old-timey pipe and saying Hey, Gary! If you dont like the VMAs, why dont you just change the channel? And to that I say my remote ran out of batteries again, jerk! Also, shut up.
First of all, lets chat about thin celebrities. Oh god! Is Bulemia the new thing in Hollywood? Keira Knightly used to look like a chick, then I turned around to get a beer, then I returned, and all of a sudden she looks like shes escaped from a high-school science class! Are we supposed to subscribe to this theory? Are young girls and possibly guys looking at this, then looking at their own pud, then striving for that body image? Or how about Nicole Richie, and how if she hosted a Save the African Children commercial, I wouldnt be able to tell her apart from those starving children - what with her fake-ass tan and her hey, check out my rib-bone cocky attitude. Fuck that. Refer to my previous blog about the fashion industry for a continuing rant about this whole debacle.
Secondly, whats with the crappy music? I have nothing against hip-hop and its perpetuation of bling and other bling-related stereotypes, but give me a break! How stupid are people to believe that they can or will ever actually achieve this level of wealth? Pretty stupid it seems, since I see homeless people on the street wearing sean john t-shirts. Youre asking me for a dollar? Fucking sell that shirt and youll eat for a damn month! And there was like two rock acts! And those rock acts sucked large! The only redeeming quality of music during the whole night was The Raconteurs, and even they were relegated to playing during the commercials! They would get cut off after 15 seconds of music, and we would return from the break to hear the last 10 seconds of whatever song they were playing!! Whats that all about? That was the best band thats ever been on the VMAs ever! And dont get me started on The Killers. If that guy took off his eye makeup, hed look like the Unabomber. A Mormon Unabomber. I hate that guy so much, he really does suck when he sings live. Its like that Simpsons episode where Bart and friends form a boy-band. But they have this machine that makes them sound like real singers. Except the guy from the Killers always forgets to turn on the machine when they perform live. I HATE MY MTV!!!
Plus, MTV Canada sucks all different parts of ass, its like the worst channel in the history of the universe. Heres a tip get some people with some fucking talent on your show. Yeah, Im really interested in hearing what these people have to say about the current American-produced fluff they have on air. They act like its a little silly and all that, and that the people on the show currently on are airheads. Hows that for irony shoved right up your ass? Youre fucking making fun of the show that YOUR CHANNEL is airing!! Its your channel! YOU ARE ALL CULPABLE!!!!
Ultimate Top 5 Hate List 59th Edition
5. Lucas from Rockstar Supernova. (I heard you were already chosen. If you took off YOUR eye makeup, youd look like the guy that cleans the lint out of dryers at your local Laundromat.)
4. P-Diddy. (Hes discovered myspace, and hes posted a video of him urinating and proclaiming it the greatest thing since sex. Stay tuned for my next blog/expose: P-Diddy has never had sex ever.)
3. Tom Cruise (This whack-job apologized to brooke shields for calling her loco. I say, she shouldve refused his apology, hung him by his legs over a cliff, and told him that he shouldnt worry if she dropped him, for his scientology spaceship would swoop in at the last moment and save his sorry ass.)
2. Geri Halliwell. (You child was abused? Really? Ooh thats not a good thing, for any child. Oh wait, what? You didnt leave her with a family member? Oh, you left her with a member of your staff Yeah, heres a tip, HOW ABOUT YOU BE AN COMPETENT MOTHER and dont leave your fucking child with some idiot employee!)
1. MTV Video Awards. (You gave James Blunt two awards? Well fuck, why dont you just walk out to the street, pick up a piece of dog shit and give it two awards? Or how about you climb the side of a building, slide your finger along one of the exterior window sills, then give the car exhaust your finger picks up two awards? Because Id be more accepting of either of those scenarios.)
First of all, lets chat about thin celebrities. Oh god! Is Bulemia the new thing in Hollywood? Keira Knightly used to look like a chick, then I turned around to get a beer, then I returned, and all of a sudden she looks like shes escaped from a high-school science class! Are we supposed to subscribe to this theory? Are young girls and possibly guys looking at this, then looking at their own pud, then striving for that body image? Or how about Nicole Richie, and how if she hosted a Save the African Children commercial, I wouldnt be able to tell her apart from those starving children - what with her fake-ass tan and her hey, check out my rib-bone cocky attitude. Fuck that. Refer to my previous blog about the fashion industry for a continuing rant about this whole debacle.
Secondly, whats with the crappy music? I have nothing against hip-hop and its perpetuation of bling and other bling-related stereotypes, but give me a break! How stupid are people to believe that they can or will ever actually achieve this level of wealth? Pretty stupid it seems, since I see homeless people on the street wearing sean john t-shirts. Youre asking me for a dollar? Fucking sell that shirt and youll eat for a damn month! And there was like two rock acts! And those rock acts sucked large! The only redeeming quality of music during the whole night was The Raconteurs, and even they were relegated to playing during the commercials! They would get cut off after 15 seconds of music, and we would return from the break to hear the last 10 seconds of whatever song they were playing!! Whats that all about? That was the best band thats ever been on the VMAs ever! And dont get me started on The Killers. If that guy took off his eye makeup, hed look like the Unabomber. A Mormon Unabomber. I hate that guy so much, he really does suck when he sings live. Its like that Simpsons episode where Bart and friends form a boy-band. But they have this machine that makes them sound like real singers. Except the guy from the Killers always forgets to turn on the machine when they perform live. I HATE MY MTV!!!
Plus, MTV Canada sucks all different parts of ass, its like the worst channel in the history of the universe. Heres a tip get some people with some fucking talent on your show. Yeah, Im really interested in hearing what these people have to say about the current American-produced fluff they have on air. They act like its a little silly and all that, and that the people on the show currently on are airheads. Hows that for irony shoved right up your ass? Youre fucking making fun of the show that YOUR CHANNEL is airing!! Its your channel! YOU ARE ALL CULPABLE!!!!
Ultimate Top 5 Hate List 59th Edition
5. Lucas from Rockstar Supernova. (I heard you were already chosen. If you took off YOUR eye makeup, youd look like the guy that cleans the lint out of dryers at your local Laundromat.)
4. P-Diddy. (Hes discovered myspace, and hes posted a video of him urinating and proclaiming it the greatest thing since sex. Stay tuned for my next blog/expose: P-Diddy has never had sex ever.)
3. Tom Cruise (This whack-job apologized to brooke shields for calling her loco. I say, she shouldve refused his apology, hung him by his legs over a cliff, and told him that he shouldnt worry if she dropped him, for his scientology spaceship would swoop in at the last moment and save his sorry ass.)
2. Geri Halliwell. (You child was abused? Really? Ooh thats not a good thing, for any child. Oh wait, what? You didnt leave her with a family member? Oh, you left her with a member of your staff Yeah, heres a tip, HOW ABOUT YOU BE AN COMPETENT MOTHER and dont leave your fucking child with some idiot employee!)
1. MTV Video Awards. (You gave James Blunt two awards? Well fuck, why dont you just walk out to the street, pick up a piece of dog shit and give it two awards? Or how about you climb the side of a building, slide your finger along one of the exterior window sills, then give the car exhaust your finger picks up two awards? Because Id be more accepting of either of those scenarios.)
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
Wedding Hilarity!
Summer is drawing to its close, leaves are falling off the trees. Students are contemplating their futures. So what season is it? FUCKING WEDDING SEASON. Seriously, there are 57 weddings in August and September that I'm invited to. Mostly by people I don't really know that well. But no matter, I went to a delightful ceremony/reception combo on Sunday this past. My sister and I decided to go, it was our family, who have always been nice to us, and we knew we would have a good time. So my sister calls me up 3 hours before we're supposed to leave and the conversation goes like this:
Liz - "You know this is a dry wedding, right?"
Gary - "Is this fucking North Dakota?"
Liz - "I'll pick you up some wine."
I didnt even know there were such things as dry weddings. I thought it was an old wives tale, like polio or legitimate chiropracters. So in any case, she supplied the wine, I supplied the empty water bottle for the wine. Oh and she brought a flask of Jack for herself. We go, attend the ceremony, it was beautiful. Then afterwards, before the reception, we head back to the car to stock up. I fill my 500ml water bottle from a 750ml white wine bottle. it looked like urine. She took a picture of me drinking it in the backseat. I tried to drink more from the bottle before going in, and I did as much as I could. So I hide the water bottle, her flask, the camera, my glasses case, my keys, and my phone in the various pockets of my suit. We head in casually, and nobody paid notice that I looked like I was shoplifting from walmart. We sit down, everything is cool and we enjoy the night away at our table, laughing and drinking. We get to talking to some of the other people at our table, who are complaining about it being a dry wedding. So I proclaim "BAM!" and pull out the flask in front of everyone (8 people) at the table. They're cool with it, and a couple of people pass their half-glass of coke around for a topper. Everyone's having a good time now. THEN it gets interesting!
My sister and I finish our booze, and then I get the bright idea that we should pretend like its wedding crashers. She agrees to be Owen Wilson, and I'm Vince Vaughn, and we saunter upstairs. Oh, I forgot to mention there's three other weddings going on at this place, on different floors, and the one we happened upon first had an open bar. So we walk up casually, order two glasses of wine and start making fake chit-chat about the wedding. We walk over to where the wedding is, and we see people are eating, so we can't just walk in and stand around. The fucking bartender comes up to us (he's on to us!) and asks us if we need help finding our seat. By the seat of my pants I come up with some convoluted story about how "my mother doesnt approve of me drinking, and I'm just trying to avoid her tonight." he seems to buy this story and walks away. But my sister gets a bad feeling, so with wine glass in hand, we bolt back downstairs to OUR wedding. But because they arent serving alcohol there, we cant just walk back in, so we're at the bottom of the stairs, hanging out and drinking our wine as fast as we can. I get the brilliant idea to pour the wine into the now empty flask, but my attempt is futile and i spill some of it on a radiator. We get nervous, down the rest of the wine, and walk casually back in to the wedding. BY CASUALLY I MEAN DRUNK. So we're there, and this same fucking bartender comes downstairs to find us!! He starts grinning at me, so I just go up to him and shake his hand and smile and say "hey man, its cool, you know how it is", and again he seems placated by this. Then i go up to the bar (our bar that was serving no booze) and ask for an empty rock glass with some ice. THAT bartender (a different bartender) asks me what I'm going to use it for, and asks me if I'm going to try to go back upstairs again. I just look at him funny and say I'm using the glass for the water that's now warm because its been sitting on our table all night. He seems to buy this, so i go back and pour the rest of the flask wine into the glass, which has now turned into a disgusting mixture of Jack Daniels and White Wine. Gross, but drinkable. Then I don't remember what happened. i didnt drive home. But I got home somehow. THE END. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE KIDS!
Gary's Super Duper "where the fuck am I?" Lazy Top 5 hate list
5. Rockstar "Supernova" - Dudes, you're all fucking dinosaurs, your music wont be played anywhere except on MTV, since conglomerates like to cluster fuck one another. Enjoy your descent into mediocrity.
4. Britney Spears - You're a tool. That video that's going around shows you for what you are - that you put on a normal sounding accent when you talk to the press to cover up the fact that you got kicked out of your trailer park for being too trashy.
3. TV Fall lineup - Here's a tip, how about a show about a wise-ass lawyer with a busty female assistant? or how about another show that has a story arc that people wont be able to find out if the show gets cancelled after 5 weeks? Oh wait, you are making those shows. KUDOS, you fucks.
2. Hell's Kitchen - Gordon Ramsey, you're so banging that losing contestant. If she won, it wouldve been brought to light. So you made her lose, so you could keep her on the side. At least you swear alot, that I fucking respect.
1. Fred Flinstone - You were the first user/inventor of the "Rock Gun" (litteraly a gun that shoots rocks at people). Now james "i want my privacy" blunt has bought one of these guns to use against "obsessive fans" crowding outside his new home in Ibiza. Seriously, that isnt a joke. Next he's going to buy a car that is powered with his foot and a pet cat that's actually a big-ass tiger. Then I hope the tiger eats his face.
Liz - "You know this is a dry wedding, right?"
Gary - "Is this fucking North Dakota?"
Liz - "I'll pick you up some wine."
I didnt even know there were such things as dry weddings. I thought it was an old wives tale, like polio or legitimate chiropracters. So in any case, she supplied the wine, I supplied the empty water bottle for the wine. Oh and she brought a flask of Jack for herself. We go, attend the ceremony, it was beautiful. Then afterwards, before the reception, we head back to the car to stock up. I fill my 500ml water bottle from a 750ml white wine bottle. it looked like urine. She took a picture of me drinking it in the backseat. I tried to drink more from the bottle before going in, and I did as much as I could. So I hide the water bottle, her flask, the camera, my glasses case, my keys, and my phone in the various pockets of my suit. We head in casually, and nobody paid notice that I looked like I was shoplifting from walmart. We sit down, everything is cool and we enjoy the night away at our table, laughing and drinking. We get to talking to some of the other people at our table, who are complaining about it being a dry wedding. So I proclaim "BAM!" and pull out the flask in front of everyone (8 people) at the table. They're cool with it, and a couple of people pass their half-glass of coke around for a topper. Everyone's having a good time now. THEN it gets interesting!
My sister and I finish our booze, and then I get the bright idea that we should pretend like its wedding crashers. She agrees to be Owen Wilson, and I'm Vince Vaughn, and we saunter upstairs. Oh, I forgot to mention there's three other weddings going on at this place, on different floors, and the one we happened upon first had an open bar. So we walk up casually, order two glasses of wine and start making fake chit-chat about the wedding. We walk over to where the wedding is, and we see people are eating, so we can't just walk in and stand around. The fucking bartender comes up to us (he's on to us!) and asks us if we need help finding our seat. By the seat of my pants I come up with some convoluted story about how "my mother doesnt approve of me drinking, and I'm just trying to avoid her tonight." he seems to buy this story and walks away. But my sister gets a bad feeling, so with wine glass in hand, we bolt back downstairs to OUR wedding. But because they arent serving alcohol there, we cant just walk back in, so we're at the bottom of the stairs, hanging out and drinking our wine as fast as we can. I get the brilliant idea to pour the wine into the now empty flask, but my attempt is futile and i spill some of it on a radiator. We get nervous, down the rest of the wine, and walk casually back in to the wedding. BY CASUALLY I MEAN DRUNK. So we're there, and this same fucking bartender comes downstairs to find us!! He starts grinning at me, so I just go up to him and shake his hand and smile and say "hey man, its cool, you know how it is", and again he seems placated by this. Then i go up to the bar (our bar that was serving no booze) and ask for an empty rock glass with some ice. THAT bartender (a different bartender) asks me what I'm going to use it for, and asks me if I'm going to try to go back upstairs again. I just look at him funny and say I'm using the glass for the water that's now warm because its been sitting on our table all night. He seems to buy this, so i go back and pour the rest of the flask wine into the glass, which has now turned into a disgusting mixture of Jack Daniels and White Wine. Gross, but drinkable. Then I don't remember what happened. i didnt drive home. But I got home somehow. THE END. DON'T DRINK AND DRIVE KIDS!
Gary's Super Duper "where the fuck am I?" Lazy Top 5 hate list
5. Rockstar "Supernova" - Dudes, you're all fucking dinosaurs, your music wont be played anywhere except on MTV, since conglomerates like to cluster fuck one another. Enjoy your descent into mediocrity.
4. Britney Spears - You're a tool. That video that's going around shows you for what you are - that you put on a normal sounding accent when you talk to the press to cover up the fact that you got kicked out of your trailer park for being too trashy.
3. TV Fall lineup - Here's a tip, how about a show about a wise-ass lawyer with a busty female assistant? or how about another show that has a story arc that people wont be able to find out if the show gets cancelled after 5 weeks? Oh wait, you are making those shows. KUDOS, you fucks.
2. Hell's Kitchen - Gordon Ramsey, you're so banging that losing contestant. If she won, it wouldve been brought to light. So you made her lose, so you could keep her on the side. At least you swear alot, that I fucking respect.
1. Fred Flinstone - You were the first user/inventor of the "Rock Gun" (litteraly a gun that shoots rocks at people). Now james "i want my privacy" blunt has bought one of these guns to use against "obsessive fans" crowding outside his new home in Ibiza. Seriously, that isnt a joke. Next he's going to buy a car that is powered with his foot and a pet cat that's actually a big-ass tiger. Then I hope the tiger eats his face.
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